Reflections on my voice

I've been thinking a lot about how I feel about my voice as a trans woman

I've gone through the whole rigmarole of practicing a feminine voice, going to a voice therapist, reading the rainbow passage with a pitch analyzer, etc etc

And I still feel like I just...don't care?

Rather, I wish I could just not care

I wish I lived in a society where I could use my voice as a way of signifying my existence as a trans woman. Where I could loudly (literally haha) say that I'm a trans woman by just speaking. And be respected as such

But instead my voice brings with it danger of being misgendered...or worse...

I think I stubbornly latch onto my natural voice because I want to be recognized as a trans woman

But I also want to be safe and identified as "just a woman" to the people that hate people like me

Thankfully NYC is pretty safe so I don't feel uncomfortable but sometimes I feel like my voice brings me danger for the exact reason that I want to keep it

I wear pins and have blue hair now, but my voice is such a powerful sign that I just stubbornly want to keep it

No matter how "dangerous" it might be

I always think about this part of a contrapoints video where she talks about being clocked while in a taxi and the look she was given by the taxi driver and how she feared for her life in that moment

And I wonder if a moment like that will happen to me because of my voice

I think I love my voice? I think I've just been taught to hate it by a society that doesn't understand trans women and trans women with dysphoria

But I think I love my voice and I've been trying to disentangle my internalized feelings and how I actually feel about my voice

I think I like my voice and want to keep it as a sign of my queerness

I want to love my voice

I want to love all parts of myself