Unsafe, perpetually (Trans: 3 | Trauma: 1)

This is the 3rd post in a series about trans experiences (previous/next) and the 1st in a series about my trauma

This is a heavy post. There are no answers, no happy ending.

Proceed mindfully

Much of my issues have been processed and I can write about them in an uplifting way, write about how things will be okay.

My trauma is not one of those issues. This post does not have a happy ending.

But hopefully this series will have one.

I can only hope.

Safety, the lack of it

I never feel safe in my own body.

I never feel safe in my own mind.

I'm always tense.

Always on edge.

Always waiting for something to go wrong.

For me to start feeling depressed.

For me to be struck with anxiety.

For me to be struck.

I'm always tense.

Always waiting for something to go wrong.

Reasons

Why do I feel like this?

OCD

Is it my OCD that makes me feel like this? Unsafe in my own mind?

Unsafe wherever I am?

Is it because it fills my mind with every possible way that something could go wrong?

Is it because it's afraid of dying so much that it makes me want to die?

Is it because of the OCD?

Neurochemistry

Am I just genetically predisposed to feeling like this?

Feeling perpetually unsafe?

Perpetually unable to just rest?

Perpetually analyzing, perpetually on edge, perpetually tense?

Perpetually waiting for something to go wrong?

Is that just my life?

Trauma

Is it because of what I've experienced in the past?

Is it from growing up trans?

Was I not always this way? Was I made to feel this way by others?

This feeling of never feeling safe.

Is this what it means for the body to keep the score?

I don't know.

I just know one thing.

I want

I want to feel safe...

I want to be okay...

I want to just be able to exist without being afraid...

I want an escape from this...

I want to stop hurting...

My hurt just goes on and on and on and on and I wish I could be free.

Someone please set me free from this.

I don't want to hold onto this anymore.

Please.

Someone save me...

Unsafe - Lily

Something flickers at the edge of my vision
And I'm struck with a wave of anxiety
Is it a person?
Is it a threat?
Is it something that's going to hurt me?

My face snaps to the side 
Prepared to face whatever awaits me
Alert, afraid, anxious

It was just a lock of my hair in the wind

I return to reality
Just a little bit shaken
Just a little bit more tired
I am
So 
Tired
So tired of this all
So tired of this torturous life I have to live

I am so tired.

"Keep going"

I will keep going.

But some days are so hard.

Some days are so fucking hard.

I can practice my ACT skills.

I can practice my coping skills.

But it still fucking hurts.

It still hurts, constantly.

And there just feels like there's no end in sight.

Just hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt.

I'm trying my hardest.

I'm trying so hard.

I have to try so hard just to stay alive.

I have to try so hard every single day just to stay alive.

To not go completely insane and lose everything.

I have to try so hard every day of my life.

And I'm just...so tired.

Hurting others

I hurt so bad.

And then that hurts those who love me the most.

They watch me hurt every day and it hurts them.

So I get to suffer and also be the cause of other people's suffering.

It just sucks so much.

I hate this.

I'm

so

tired.

I want to live

I want to live so bad

but some days are just

so hard

so so so hard.

Some days I just suffer and suffer and suffer and it makes me question if the life I love so much is even worth it.

Some days I wonder if I can do this anymore.

Some days are so hard.

And I'm

so

tired.

I will keep going.

I will keep going.

I will keep going.

Tomorrow will be a better day

I have to keep telling myself these things.

Or else I'll completely lose hope.

And lose everything.

I have to keep going.

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