Trauma cuddles (Trans: 2)

This is the 2nd post in a series about trans experiences (previous/next)

Transfeminine trauma is extremely difficult, yet every trans woman I've talked to holds onto some amount of it.

Never the same, but often the same themes and, relevantly for this post, same desires for relief.

We often want similar things for escapes, we have similar fantasies, we wish we could just be free from it.

A case study: A tweet

We want to feel safe...

Because for a long time growing up, we were made to not feel safe in our bodies.

We want to cuddle up with someone who can make us feel safe, safe in a way that we aren't in our own minds and bodies.

Because The Body Keeps The Score and our traumas as carried along with us, whether we want them or not.

We want someone to love us...

Because true unconditional love is something almost none of us got. A lot of us hold onto the pain of having "unconditional" love be stripped away the moment our queerness manifested.

An immense pain that we just wish so badly that we could be free from.

Once you're hurt once like that, it's almost impossible to allow yourself to accept love in the same way again...

Love feels foriegn.

In the same way that our bodies become foriegn to us after our traumas.

We need the space to just figure out how to Be...

Because we were never given that space growing up.

Space to just Be Ourselves.

Authentically, honestly, vulnerably.

We were hurt instead of given that opportunity.

So we yearn for that space now.

A case study: HDG

What happens if you get a bunch of trans women in a room and ask them to create a sci-fi universe? Give them some foundation of aliens entering into the Solar System with a post-scarcity economy and infinite technology.

What do you get?

Some things are kinda funny, like them being big plant aliens.

Some things are kinky, like the ability to safely explore any kink using special drugs.

Some things are obvious, like drugs that make transition happen much more quickly. Surgery that is painless and quick to recover from. Body modification technology in general.

But some still are deep, and point towards the kind of escape and yearning that some of us traumatized trans women so so so desire.

The loving embrace of someone who we can hand our full selves to.

Someone we can trust fully.

Someone who can heal our wounds.

So many HDG stories are about traumatized trans women healing from their wounds.

About girls getting the warmth and safety that we so deeply desire in our daily lives.

An excerpt from Five lives by PyxxieStyxx

Hurt people read wish fufillment from other hurt people, and decide to write their own wish fufillment.

I did this too, sketching out my own HDG stories that matched my own experiences, yearnings, kinks, and the kind of healing that I wanted to experience as someone who's been uniquely hurt.

The kind of healing that I desperately need

HDG really is precision laser targetted sci-fi for traumatized autistic trans women. And turns out there's enough of us (on ao3 anyway) to support a whole community.

I saw this post on the subreddit and found it funny at first, before realizing that this struck a little too close to home.

I was this person.

I was reading for wish fufillment, seeing these hurt trans women in these stories be able to heal and become full versions of themselves.

It was wish fufillment, it was yearning.

It was me finding an escape.

An escape from the pain that I've had to endure my whole life.

Escape

So many of us struggle with these things, but don't have loving supporting family or partners or whoever to give us that space for us to heal.

So we fall into escapes.

We fall into yearning when we see tweets like this.

We fall into self harm or depression.

We fall into alcohol or drugs.

We slip through the cracks

and

we

fall

. . .

In conclusion

Hurt trans women are everywhere, you don't even need to try to find one in spaces with lots of trans women.

It's quite telling that what we always yearning is just healing.

Healing from the pain we've experienced.

We just want to heal.

We just want to heal.

We just want to heal.

If you have the chance to love a trans woman, please love her deeply and let her heal.

Build us a space where we can heal.

Let us heal.

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