Death by a thousand cuts: My current experience of OCD

Death by a thousand cuts.

I am excellent at coping with my OCD.

I identify obsessive thoughts quickly.

I let them pass through me and try to defuse from them as quickly as possible.

To not give them any power.

To let them go freely as thoughts that just happen.

I am excellent at this

Yet...

My OCD still causes me an unhealthy amount of distress

I told my therapist today, that if my peak OCD was a 9/10 or 10/10 on the "intensity" scale of OCD, then my current state is about a 5/10

Much much better than it was before.

But the ideal is a 0/10.

And I'm still far from that.

Many of my compulsions get stopped as second nature.

Many of my obsessions pass through freely without a second thought.

But the sheer volume of them makes life extremely tiring sometimes.

When doing anything besides isolating alone at home triggers my OCD, it's very hard to exist.

Even if the thoughts don't hurt as bad as they used to, they still hurt a little bit.

And the sheer volume of them makes life just, really tiring.

When doing anything that isn't tested and familiar and fully exposure tested results in anxious thoughts galore.

It's hard to exist as a person. A real person who does things besides hide away in their home.

It's hard to not succumb every day to the thousands of little cuts.

It's just

really

really

hard

to find the energy and willpower

to keep going.

When I've made so much progress and done so much.

And it still just sucks.

The best I can do

I've reached the point where the best I can do is force myself through exposure, and attempt to limit it to a managable amount every day.

To slowly reclaim land that triggers my OCD little by little until I can step into it without freaking out.

But it's so hard when existing as a real, normal person requires so much uncertainty. So many new situations. So many untrusted people and new situations and unfamiliar places.

I can only do so much exposure a day.

I can only tolerate so much.

So I wonder if I'll be able to live through the rest of my life like this.

Or will I one day succumb to it.

Will I

be able

to

live?

Or...

will I

just

not?

Death by a thousand cuts.

Suicidal thoughts

It's hard to not spiral into suicidal thoughts when I look at my OCD through this lens.

More than bipolar depression, this is what gets me feeling the most suicidal.

My OCD.

The thought that despite everything I've done, I'm still getting hundreds of little cuts a day.

And the best I can do at this point is to minimize the amount of cuts I get a day.

In an attempt to make my life my tolerable to live.

It's

so

so

so

tiring.

I'm just

so

tired.

Sometimes if I sit down and think about this situation too hard I get very very suicidal thoughts.

I think about the burning building that I live in and think about

just

jumping out of it.

But I will keep going

But I will keep going.

But I will keep going.

But I will keep going.

I love life too much to give up on it because of the pain I have to experience to live said life.

I love my partner.

I love gender euphoria and cute outfits.

I love painting.

I love writing.

I love teaching.

I love coding and building things.

I love. I love. I love.

But just for a second sometimes, I think about that burning building.

And how it must be burning real hard for me to love life so much.

Yet

consider

jumping out of it.

I love life.

But it's just

so

so

so

hard.

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