Call us Terra

Tldr: we go by Terra now. She/they. Please do not call us Lily anymore

. . .

Cedar

So why this change? What happened to the headmate called Lily? The one who was the "host" and gatekeeper?

Let's start from the beginning.

From as early as we can remember, we've struggled with OCD and intense anxiety.

Constant, paralyzing, panic inducing anxiety.

From violent thoughts, to social mistakes, from a fear of falling from heights, to fear of cancer and death.

You get the idea.

Thus our first headmate was born.

One to take on this intense wave of anxiety.

One to take on that burden.

She bravely fronted and held onto all of our anxiety for years.

For decades.

She's done so much. Tried so hard. Fought so fiercely.

Our anxieties were so omnipresent that she began fronting extremely often.

Basically constantly.

Besides moments of reprieve while running, or while working, or while sleeping, she was there.

Holding onto all of our anxiety.

Bearing that intense burden for us all.

She is so so tired.

She's had to be so grown up, despite just being a kid.

She's been frozen in that first time we experienced anxiety ever since she was split off of the core.

She's suffered so much.

She's taken on so much.

And now it's time for her to rest.

Our singlet-sona, Lily, thought she was alone.

Thought that she was the only one there, simply because she had to front so often through our anxious episodes.

I say episodes, but really we've been more anxious than not our entire life.

We can probably count the number of days we've gone without an anxious thought on one hand.

And that number might just be zero.

At least in our teenage/adult life.

. . .

This is all to say that "Lily" has worked so hard and pushed herself beyond burnout.

Beyond anything that one headmate could handle.

Now she lies broken, shattered, exhausted, and suicidal.

Her mind is warped from the anxiety that's been her burden, grooves worn so deep that we probably have to spend the rest of our life helping her recover.

This is our first step in helping her do so.

Rose

Our poor dear has suffered so much as "Lily" and it's time to let her rest.

She still is our anxiety and OCD holder, that can never change.

But we can help lessen her burden as much as possible.

She is no longer suitable to be in the front.

It's healthiest for her to just rest in headspace for the next few years at least.

For the rest of us to help her let go of the anxieties as they appear and help her apply the ACT techniques that work so well for us whenever her anxieties pull her into the front.

Reminding her that she doesn't have to hold onto this pain, that it isn't her identity and is just something she experiences.

That the poor thing doesn't need to suffer any more than she has to.

By fronting, she suffers. So we need to hold her gently and take her away from the front.

We love her deeply and are so indebted to her.

This is the best we can do for her.

To let her rest.

To kill the version of her that needs to front and be our primary fronter on top of being the one to hold onto our anxiety and OCD suffering.

So to do that.

We have to kill the name Lily.

Cedar

So we would like to no longer be called Lily.

Our name is Terra, that has always been the name of our system.

We've been satisfied going by Lily since "Lily" was the one fronting most of the time.

But now that name just brings her to the front and makes her think that she has to be there and front.

When all she needs now is to not front and rest.

We're putting "Lily" in a leave of absence.

She's going to rest for now.

And to help her rest, she's going to go by a new name.

A name that isn't tied to our legal identity.

A name that doesn't have the burden of being what most people call us.

A name that doesn't bring her to the front whenever we're named.

Her name is Violet.

Thyme

So no more Lily~

The one called Lily is no more~ she's Violet now.

Poor little Violet. Little scared child Violet.

The poor little creature holding onto all of our pain and suffering.

The little girl who thinks she's responsible for handling all of our anxieties and pain.

She may be the conduit for it, but she's no longer responsible for those thoughts~

Those scary adult thoughts are now our problem~

We can handle them for her~

She can rest~

She can rest~

She can reat~

Cedar

So to prevent her from fronting, please refrain from calling us Lily as much as possible.

Call us Terra.

Call us by our system name.

Remind Violet that it's not just her anymore.

Remind Violet that she doesn't need to be Lily anymore.

She doesn't have to be strong anymore.

She doesn't have to fight anymore.

She can just let go.

We got her.

Call us Terra

---

Liked this post? Please share your thoughts on fedi/bsky!

Subscribe to get emailed about new posts.