Satisfied

I've always felt like I wasn't enough.

Not enough for my parents.

Not enough for my friends.

Not enough for my lovers.

Not enough to myself.

How about you don't have to build an empire?

Settling for anything other than building the most I could possibly build feels like exactly that, settling.

Settling for less than the best I could possibly do

Or be the number one at anything?

I have to be the best at what I do.

I have to be excellent.

I have to find unique excellence in everything that I do.

I just have to.

What if you simply built a lovely life that makes you feel happy, that brings you joy, that is generative and supportive?

A lovely life to me is one where I am successful.

Where I am challenged.

Where I am striving to be the best version of myself.

Don't impose your expectations onto me.

What if you healed the parts of you that need more and more and more?

What if you redefined what success looks and feels like to you?

...

I can't.

I don't even know if I would want to.

Success to me is always being the best at everything that I do.

I can't even imagine it being anything else.

What if you decided enough is enough?

...

I can't

I don't want to.

I want to always be striving, never to be satisfied.

Never to be satisfied with what I've done.

Never to be satisfied with what I've been able to do.

Always wanting to do more and better and greater and better and better and better and -

What if you felt satisfied in the right here, the right now?

But what about all the things I want to do?

There's so much I want to do that I'll never be able to do if I just let myself be satifsied with what I have now.

What if you realized your life is likely a lot closer to your ideal than you ever thought?

But it's not.

There are so many things I want to do, need to do.

. . .

I'm never enough.

Just me, on my own, is never enough.

I will never be enough.

I will never be enough.

I will never be enough.

I always have to try harder.

I always have to be more than what I am.

I have to earn the things that I want by trying and trying and trying. Harder and harder and harder.

Doing ever more and more and more.

I have to paint and write and shoot and climb and build and code and do all these things.

I have to do more and more and more and more and more.

What if changing the filter in which you view your life makes everything that much more vibrant?

But that would mean abandoning everything that I've worked so hard for.

Abandoning what's gotten me this far.

That.

That's very scary.

. . .

What if I'm abandoned?

What if everyone only loves me for the work I'm able to do?

What if my friends only care about the version of me that I put up as a front?

What if my lover only cares about the version of me that I curate for her?

What if my only value lies in what I've been able to cultivate and build for myself.

What if I'm just not worth anything?

How much open empty space would be left for your joy if you stopped thinking that you needed to earn it?

...

But...

I do.

I do have to earn it.

I don't deserve it...

I just...

I just don't...

No matter what people tell me.

No matter what I just feel worthless.

So I feel like I can only strive and work and push harder and harder to deserve the things that I get.

I have to work to deserve it.

I have to.

How much time could you spend in the actual living of your life if you let go of striving for more?

How much more beautiful would this moment, right here, become for you?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

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