Fire: Our experience of Bipolar hypomania

Posted on 2026-04-28 by [lily]

During one of the first times I experienced hypomania for real, past me decided to write it down.

So here is an excerpt from that journal entry.

It's quite long, bear with me. I felt like just copying my old writing directly was best to convey what it feels like to be in a hypomanic episode.

How it feels to be hypomanic.

Lily's experience of hypomania - circa Jan 2024

Fire

i
i really want to make things

artists talk about their creative inspiration as a fire
a common metaphor 
i thought it was just that
a common metaphor for something thats hard to describe

but i really do think that fire is 
the best way
the only way
to describe that feeling

that feeling that engulfed me on the way back from yvette's next fest concert + q/a 
that feeling of inspiration
sitting on that subway filled with thoughts about the music i want to make
the things i want to make
the things i want to write
the things i want to make to make to MAKE

THE THINGS I WANT TO MAKE

MY BRAIN SCREAMS AT ME TO GO
TO GO GO GO GO GO

it was 
overwhelming to say the least

i wanted to shout or dance or do SOMETHING to let it all out
a fire id inadvertently feeding for the last 24 years really really really fucking burst into flames tonight

in the last few months i had what i was describing as intense mood swings

but in reality i think this is just my adjustment period to becoming me again

the upswings are just me experiencing what my life might be like when things get better

and what happens on the upswings?
i walk around 
i work
and every
every fucking second when im not focused on writing code or not getting hit by a car

i think about the things i want to make

once the giant tarp of depression and not understanding my weird autistic brain is taken away, the little embers underneath
they
they fucking ignite 

i have
i have so much fuel piled up all around me 
and the days when i feel a person instead of a shell of one

a spark will sometimes fly out and hit something and it IGNITES
it bursts into flame and becomes something like <redacted project>

i 
im really excited
im really happy and really excited 

i have 
so many things i want to write about 

i want to make music so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad 
its consuming me 
its a fire burning inside me and if i dont let it do what it wants its going to burn me alive 

i work and i work and i get up to eat lunch and all i can think about is music

art is something important to me 
and i love it so much

i want to create so much its making me tear up 
i want to write i want to write i want to write but my hands hurt and im hungry and i have work 

i want to read i want to read i want to read 
aaaaaaaaaaaa
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A FIRE INSIDE ME

IM IN AWE AT IT 
WATCHING IT BURN INSIDE ME IS FILLING ME WITH BOTH ANXIETY AND JOY

im 
im really happy for me 
im really scared for what the future of these endeavours will hold for me
im really happy that im where i am today
im really scared for what i may be tomorrow

im filled with uncertainty because i dont know what ill feel tomorrow because its all so much

im filled with excitement for tomorrow
because
its a whole new day
and a new chance to experience more art 
and make new things 
and practice and learn and read and make and write and write and write and write and write and listen and listen and listen and listen
and 
play
music!

gah!
oh god!

An analysis of my past self

Looking back on this now I'm able to see so much that my past self just blew straight past.

That my past me just wrote down blindly without thinking.

That my past self wouldn't realize until months afterwards.

Here are some of those things:

MY BRAIN SCREAMS AT ME TO GO

TO GO GO GO GO GO

it was

overwhelming to say the least

Overwhelming drive and motivation. To the point that it becomes debilitating.

in the last few months i had what i was describing as intense mood swings

. . .

the upswings are just me experiencing what my life might be like when things get better

Mood swings, drastic upswings and downswings. Interpreting them as "just feeling better".

and what happens on the upswings?

i walk around

i work

and every

every fucking second when im not focused on writing code or not getting hit by a car

i think about the things i want to make

Extreme amounts of motivation and making overly ambitious plans.

once the giant tarp of depression and not understanding my weird autistic brain is taken away, the little embers underneath

they

they fucking ignite

Post depression hypomania. Constant cycling between the two states.

i

im really excited

im really happy and really excited

Overwhelming joy and happiness. Overwhelming excitement

i want to make music so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad

its consuming me

its a fire burning inside me and if i dont let it do what it wants its going to burn me alive

Too much emotion to contain. Too much motivation.

Too much of everything.

Overwhelm

aaaaaaaaaaaa

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A FIRE INSIDE ME

IM IN AWE AT IT

WATCHING IT BURN INSIDE ME IS FILLING ME WITH BOTH ANXIETY AND JOY

Being filled to the brim with anxiety and joy.

Overwhelm

im

im really happy for me

im really scared for what the future of these endeavours will hold for me

im really happy that im where i am today

im really scared for what i may be tomorrow

Complete instability over my mood.

. . .

Overwhelm

A common theme across a lot of this journal entry is the feeling of being overwhelmed by emotion.

In bipolar mania, the brain becomes so completely overwhelmed.

When you're coming out of a deep depression, brain yearning for happy chemicals, how did it ever stand a chance.

When you're overwhelmed by happy chemicals you become so fucking motivated. So fucking driven.

So fucking happy.

You feel on top of the world.

You feel so so so so fucking good and happy and sociable and generous and great as a person!

Everything is so great and you're finally not depressed and you're so happy!

Until.

Until the thoughts become too fast and you realize you can't stop.

When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't sleep.

When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't do anything but everything everywhere all at once.

When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't stop thinking.

When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't stop.

Can't stop buying things.

Can't stop doing risky things.

Can't stop the anxious thoughts. Can't stop the thoughts in general.

Can't stop going and going and going and going and going.

Can't fucking stop.

And that's the point where you maybe realize you might have a problem.

Only maybe and only might.

Because remember, you've overwhelmed with joy and happiness and motivation in a way that you haven't felt for months, maybe years while you were depressed.

So you only maybe realize that this is a problem and that you need help.

Only maybe.

That's what hypomania feels like.

. . .

I'm currently experiencing a hypomanic episode (maybe? I'll know for sure in a few days but it sure feels like it).

I got two hours of sleep last night and I'm still acting like I'm "driven by a motor".

Unable to stop.

I know that the next few days as I come down from this will be miserable.

And those days will also be the most dangerous, the statistically highest likelihood of suicide.

I know.

So I will keep myself safe.

But this is what it's like to have hypomania.

To have bipolar disorder.

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