Looking for a home, making a home, yearning for a home

For a long time I've felt like I haven't had a proper home.

And because of that, we've been pretty obsessed with the idea of making a home.

Building a community, of any kind.

I've wanted this so bad.

I've tried for so long.

Just trying to make a place where we belong.

Where I left my soul

Will someone take me home

Looking for a home

I've looked, but nowhere ever fits properly.

Queer groups at university.

Queer support groups in Ottawa

Autistic adult groups in NYC.

Mental health programs in California.

Various discord servers, small and large, those run by friends and those run by strangers.

So many discord servers.

Queer servers, plural servers, autistic servers, combinations of the above...

Nothing ever seemed to just fit.

Nothing.

Not for a lack of trying.

We'd inevitably try to communicate.

To try to fit in with this group of people.

And we'd fail.

Fail to feel close to anyone.

Fail to be seen.

Fail to feel seen.

Fail over and over and over.

Making a home

So we sat down and started trying to make a place for us to belong.

We dragged all our friends, all of them, into a big minecraft server discord.

That worked, for a bit.

We dragged all our ttrpg friends into a West Marches campaign.

That worked, for a bit.

Every time, glimpses of something that would stick, but never anything that actually would.

But still we keep trying.

Each time we try we introduce new ideas and try a little harder.

Hoping that this time will be different.

Hoping that this time something will stick.

That this little project will become a home.

For others.

For strangers.

For ourselves.

Yearning for a home

I've yearned for this for so long.

To be surrounded by people that I can just be around.

Be appreciated.

Be seen.

Be loved.

A place where I can just be.

Without the masks.

Without pretending.

Without hiding who we are.

I want to keep trying.

I refuse to give up.

I will keep searching.

Keep trying to build a community.

Keep trying to make new friends in new spaces.

Keep trying.

Practical

Practically speaking, there are a few paths to this home that I desire so much.

One is quite obvious and will happen, a home with my partner.

Adopting children, building up a network of friends in my home city, building a home with her.

I want that so bad.

I will make it happen.

One day...

. . .

The other is quite ambitious, but one that I want to believe can happen.

A home for those who are like us, who are without a home, who are lost in the world.

Those who grew up confused and lost and needing of someone to look up towards.

Someone to show them that they had a future.

That home is neuroqueer.club, and I will keep trying and keep trying and keep trying to make it a thing.

I will keep trying.

Keep trying.

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