Mysterious Fates

Agnostic

For most of my life I've identified as agnostic. Identified as not believing in any higher power.

I believed, and still believe, that there is no life after death. Death destroys your brain and your consciousness and so death is the end of "you".

None of that has changed.

But I do now believe in there being a Higher Power. Something beyond just our human comprehension. Something more than just us.

What led to that?

Luck

I've always believed myself to be a lucky person. Very lucky in fact. I've also always known that I was unlucky, but lucky in my unluckiness.

Fortune in misfortune.

I was born intelligent and skilled in ways that would lead me to success. Lucky

I was born anxious and succeptible to depression. I struggled with OCD in some of my earliest memories. Unlucky

I was born in the wrong sex and it took me 21 years to build myself a body that felt comfortable to be in. Unlucky

I get to wake up to a body that makes me happy in a way that can't be described. I get to feel euphoria in a way that cis people just can't. Lucky

My dad died at a young age, when in my early 20s. He never got to see me graduate university, get my first job, move out, or anything that I'll experience afterwards. I mourn his death every day. He contracted terminal lung cancer and we had no warning, it just happened. Extremely unlucky

He lived for a few months after his diagnosis and we got to spend a few months acclimating, coming to terms with his impending death, and saying our goodbyes. I feel blessed that I had that opportunity. Extremely lucky

I was born to a loving family, one that truly cared about me, despite my queerness and neurodivergence. Even if they made mistakes, they always loved and cared for me. Lucky

I was born to a family that led me to be traumatized and eventually plural, with broken parts that now need to be healed. Unlucky

Lucky in my unluckiness. Fortune in my misfortune. Always

But I never saw it as more than that, just being lucky in my unlucky moments.

Optimism

I was always told that this mindset was very healthy and optimistic. Told that it was very healthy that I could always see the positives in my struggles and misfortunes. To be able to say that I was "lucky in my unluckiness".

That's how I kept it for a long time, just a healthy mindset that I should carry on to.

I am very lucky. Even when bad things happen, I can see the luck that I experienced.

God shot

One day I experienced something that I could not explain. Something that could not simply be explained as a Lucky Moment.

Exactly one year after my dad passed I stepped off a plane in Japan and turned off airplane mode and was greeted with this

My dad's full name. As a wifi. The moment I stepped off the plane and thought of him, there he was. Exactly one year after he passed.

A shot that rang through my very soul.

I couldn't explain it. I didn't tell many people about this. I couldn't explain it and I was scared of what it meant.

I couldn't explain it

It was a shot from the dark from my Higher Power and it hit me square in the chest.

Ripples

After that day, I kept the idea neatly tucked away in my mind. That there might be something more than us out there.

Until I went to residential and a series of events occured.

A therapist ran a group for the first time, one on substance abuse.

Said therapist got me to realize I had a marijuana problem, a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Said therapist recommended an AA meeting to a different client that night.

Said friend wanted support and so I offered to go with her.

At that meeting I was introduced to the idea of Higher Powers in the 12 step program and what that meant to the people there.

Still could just be explained as lucky.

But more things happened.

My therapist went on vacation and I had sessions with a therapist who was experienced in 12 step recovery and higher powers.

My discharge date was pushed one day back for insurance reasons.

I had one last therapy session with him before I discharged.

That morning, a friend drew a card from a deck and was prompted with a question about religion and spirituality.

That led me to talk to that therapist about my spirituality and my budding belief that Fate was my Higher Power.

That led me to writing this blog post and solidifying the idea.

Looking back on it, a series of amazing coincidences happened that led to me having that conversaion with my therapist and writing this blog post.

Another god shot, just this time not as dramatic. A series of small pushes that forced me to confront this idea that I've been putting off for years.

The thing that prodded at the back of my mind whenever I picked up an oracle card from one of my decks and received a strangely useful or insightful message. The thing that stuck on our tongue whenever we talked about our optimism and our "luck".

Were we just lucky?

Is there a Higher Power? Something more than just human will?

Do things happen for a reason? Is there someone or something that's looking over me?

Is there?

And most importantly: Do I believe in it?

My higher powers

I now believe in two higher powers.

The Fates, as I call them, watch over me and subtly make things happen that make my life better.

Something is watching over me, and that something wants the best for me.

I believe that I am blessed by The Fates, and that I am extraordinarly lucky to have been chosen by them to be their blessed. I believe it to be my job to use the life they have given me to help as many people as possible, through my work as an engineer and researcher, as a writer, as a friend, and as a stranger.

The second Higher Power that I believe in is that of human connection. When two people come together and connect, something more than the sum of their efforts is born. Connection births a love and energy and power that is greater than what was put into it.

I can't explain it, but when I held my rock at the end of my time at residential, I knew that it was a physical manifestation of my higher power. As was the messages in my phone. As was the art I had collected over the years.

Something about human connection, the desire to connect with others, and the desire to help others is magical to me and is greater than what we can comprehend.

I haven't fully fleshed out the Human Connection higher power but I hold onto it dearly and I know that it's what The Fates want me to nurture and grow in this world.

---

Liked this post? Please share your thoughts on fedi/bsky!

Subscribe to get emailed about new posts.