My thoughts on regrets

I don't really regret things.

Like, ever.

Big or small.

No matter the consequence or pain that I experienced as a result of my choices.

I don't really ever feel regret towards my behaviors and actions.

Do I wish I didn't have to deal with the consequences? Of course.

But do I wish that I had done something different? Not really.

I don't because of a simple fair of facts.

1. I am always doing the best that I can
2. I did the things that I did because of the situation and circumstance I was under

Both of those are pretty rock solid facts that I've been able to establish for myself.

I feel that both are true about myself quite strongly.

However as time has passed, I've begun to apply this thought to everyone that I interact with.

That they are all trying their best.

And that their actions are because of their current circumstance and situation.

And because of that, I can forgive them, give them compassion, and give them grace.

Allow me to elaborate.

Always trying your best

I hate the idea that it's possible to not try your best at every situation.

Let me repeat that, I hate the very idea that it's even possible to not try your best in every situation.

I think that it's just a natural fact of life.

No matter what, you're doing your best always.

Even if you fall into addiction or anger or violence.

You are doing the best that you can under the circumstances that you're under.

Of course, this does not insulate you from consequence.

But what you do every day is always your best.

When I'm depressed and can't get out of bed and can only manage to eat and sleep, that's me doing the best that I can.

When I get triggered and lash out in anger at someone, that's me doing my best.

When I closeted myself for years and was too scared to come out and transition, that was me doing my best.

What??? Why?

Yeah it's a weird idea to wrap your head around, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

Imagine a scenario where you wish you had done something differently.

Could be a major life decision you wish you had done something differently in.

Could be something as minor as wishing you hadn't taken that risk when jaywalking across the street.

Could be anything.

Now consider, why did you do the thing that you did? And why was that not the choice that you wish you had taken?

• Was it because you didn't have all the information you have now?
• Was it because of the situation you were in and how you were feeling in that moment?
• Was it because of your history and traumas and life experiences?
• Was it a combination of the above?

In all of my experiences, I can always point to one of those, or something similar, which explains why I made the choice that I did.

I made the choice that I did because I was doing the best that I could.

Tautological

My argument is almost a bit tautological.

If you made the decision, then it must have been the best decision you could've made under the circumstances.

If you choose to opt into this belief, then by definition it absolves you of all regret.

By making a decision (even if that decision was inaction), you did the best you could've done under the circumstances.

My reasoning for this is pretty simple.

It's not possible to do anything than the best you could've done under the circumstance.

Why?

Because you did it.

It's what you ended up doing.

"But I could have..."

Yes, you certainly could have chosen to not do that thing you regret...but you did what you did.

If you treat yourself as a system of inputs and outputs, what gets put in is what gets put out.

Your life experiences, your past, the weather, your mood, the state of your being are what got put in.

What you got out whas the thing you ended up doing.

By nature of you doing that thing, it was the best you could have done.

You physically could not have done any better, or really any different.

But what about...

Self sabotage? Happens for a reason, always.

Getting unlucky? Not something you can control or known about.

You physically could not have done any better, or really any different.

Immense relief

To me, once I made that logical conclusion, I felt an immense amount of relief.

It frees me from regret.

It frees me from having to think about my actions and ruminating on what I could've done better.

I did the best I could under the circumstances

Isn't that kinda really relieving to think about?

To be free from ruminating on your past decisions?

To be free from wishing you had done better?

To be free from regret entirely?

But wait, what about free will?

There's a little weird thing that I had snuck into that earlier argument.

What about free will?

If you're absolving yourself of guilt and regret by believing that everything you do is the best that you could have done...

What about free will?

Could you not choose to do something different?

Could you not choose to do something of your own free will?

. . .

Ultimately this is a very personal decision to make, one that you have to think pretty long and hard about.

Are you going to surrender the idea of you having free will, for the relief of not having to regret your past decisions?

To me, I just kinda came to that logical conclusion that I don't really have free will??? Like I do the things that I do because of my past and my circumstance and that, in a weird scientific way, things are always going to happen as they do.

So I pretty readily accepted that belief that I am always doing my best and there is tautologically no reason to ever regret doing something

And it makes me a better person for it.

I carry myself much lighter and don't hold myself to do things better than I could physically do.

I am much more easily able to give others grace and kindness when their actions affect my life.

This belief makes me a better person overall for it, I think so anyway.

Aside: Physics

This free will argument is an extension of the theory that there is no randomness in the world; that we're all just little physics machines that have no free will in the same way that a ball rolling down a hill doesn't have free will.

The theory that the big bang was like a first pool shot. Scattering balls in a seemingly random way, but ultimately in a way that can be computed given the exact inputs of the system.

The belief that the world is an impossibly complex system of chemistry and physics, but one that, if someone had all the knowledge of the current state of the world, could perfectly predict.

That's what I choose to believe about the world.

Arguments against are mostly quantum arguments, and I think those are kinda bullshit? Our brains are made of cells and chemicals, which behave like any other chemical or cell, they don't quantumlly teleport or entangle with each other.

Can you perfectly predict subatomic particles? No becuase quantum.

But can you predict the behavior of cells and chemicals if you had the exact circumstances? Are you going to argue that you can't "because quantum"? Because I think that's bullshit.

So anyway there is no free will at all so you don't need to ever regret anything because you always did your best because it was the only thing you could have possibly done okay bye

---

Liked this post? Please share your thoughts on fedi/bsky!

Subscribe to get emailed about new posts.