Compared: To others, by others, by myself

Comparison is the thief of joy

I wanted to write about my experiences of comparison. Myself being compared to others by others, me comparing myself to others, and me comparing to myself.

Compared to others

I don't struggle too much with comparison to others in the usual aspects.

I don't worry too much about my academic or career progress, because I find myself successful in by own metrics.

Others do good things and they make me push myself to match them, a healthy comparison.

It pushes me to want to do better, which is a good thing!

Where my comparison to others gets unhealthy is when I compare my mental health to others.

I see that I struggle so much

so much

while others just

don't.

Not in the way that I do, at least on the surface. They don't take weeks off to spend in residential or the hospital.

They don't have mental breakdowns every year.

They haven't suffered through a life of growing up being autistic and trans and neurotic.

They aren't the same as me.

They haven't had to suffer like I have.

This comparison is unhealthy.

It makes me mad.

It makes me frustrated.

It makes me wish that I had their lives instead of mine.

It makes me wish I didn't have to exist in this broken brain.

So yeah, unhealthy.

Compared by others

Yet at the same time, I'm seen as a golden person by my peers and my family.

Someone will meet me for 5 minutes and declare that I'm "the smartest person they've ever met".

People will look at my grades and declare that I'm just "better than them".

People will notice that I work for the company that I do and declare that "I could never be as smart as you".

I hate it when this happens.

I hate it when I get used as a benchmark for other people.

I know they mean well, and that they're trying to compliment me, but god does it suck to be nothing but a measuring stick.

Something about it just sets me off in the wrong way.

I hate it when other people compare themselves to me.

Just don't do it.

You're plenty smart and successful and great.

Why are you making yourself feel worse by comparing yourself to my life.

Why are you making yourself feel resentful by comparing yourself to me.

Why do you build up that resentment until you cut me out of your life.

Why do you do this to yourself?

Do you know what it feels like to be on the other side of that conversation???

IT SUCKS

Compared by myself to myself

The hardest form of comparison that I struggle with is comparison to myself.

A Lily & Nettle conversation happened while writing this blog post, so that's what follows. Nettle is the inner critic headmate in our system. -Cedar

You used to be able to do this

She runs through my mind constantly

You should be able to do this. You used to be able to

She never lets me rest.

You should be doing more. Look at all the things you used to do

Any break is wrong, any rest is wrong, anything but working harder is wrong.

You used to be so healthy. Look at you now.

Any breakdown is my fault. Any mental spirals are my fault.

I used to be able to do all these things, and now I'm depressed and broken and unable to do anything.

This is all your fault

This is all my fault.

. . .

Okay enough of that

Snap out of it Lily

I am trying my best

Yes you are

I am always trying my best

And you do so well

I am worthy of love and care

I am able to rest

I am able to take time for myself

I am doing my best

I am doing my best

I am doing my best

. . .

More than any comparison with other people, my inner critic comparing me to my past is a great thief of joy for me.

Perhaps it is for you too.

But remember that you are always trying your best, and your past successes just mean that you will rise up to that level once again.

It's healthy to want to do the best you can, just don't let comparison to anyone, including yourself, hold you down.

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