I wish my brain could run at a lower clock frequency

Brain go zoom.

So I don't know what a neurotypical brain does, but mine does this thing where it just like, goes and goes and goes and goes.

It just spins so fast and runs through so many thoughts constantly and it just doesn't stop.

This is a very useful feature to have actually.

When I'm working, or designing, or doing anything that requires thought, it can be super helpful to have an extremely high clock frequency and just churn through thoughts super duper fast.

I'm known for getting work done very fast and this is why.

But this is also a very very very annoying feature to have on all the goddamn time.

My brain just goes and goes and goes, even when I'm just lying down and trying to relax.

When there isn't anything to think about, it goes into anxious thoughts.

It goes and spins and spins and spins on whatever little obsession or anxiety springs into my mind.

It is so frustrating to not be able to turn off my brain and just have it relax for a minute.

It just keeps going. All day. All the time.

Extremely hyper activation of my brain, all day, all the time.

Can you see how this can be extremely exhausting?

It just wears me out over time.

OCD

You know what's bad? OCD serving up anxious thoughts constantly. Unendingly. Over and over and over like a thousand little cuts

You know what's worse? Having those thoughts run at light speed through your brain, finding and diving into obsessive thoughts so rapidly that you can barely keep up with how fast your brain seems to be running.

That's just my reality.

My every day.

My brain just goes and goes and goes and when the OCD kicks in it decides to go and go and go on the obsessive thoughts and it hurts so much.

It's so difficult.

Just OCD is hard enough, but OCD when your brain just refuses to operate at anything other than maximum clock frequency is enough to drive someone insane.

It's the part of my neurotype that I have the most trouble with.

It's pushed me to the brink of suicide over and over again.

It makes me want to just give up

. . .

But there might be a way out

ADHD

I've been thinking a lot recently about whether or not I have ADHD.

The co-morbidity of my disorders, namely autism and OCD, with ADHD is quite significant. ADHD and autism in particular are so co-morbid that it can be hard to differentiate the two (according to some research). But ADHD and OCD have also shown to be co-morbid

So the likelihood of me having ADHD is pretty significant, just on a statistical level.

My experience backs that up too.

I match a good amount of hyperactive subtype traits.

I have a lot of trouble sitting still (sometimes).

I talk too much and too fast (sometimes).

I love jumping around and climbing up on things (sometimes).

And most relevantly for this post, my brain just feels extremely hyperactive, constantly going and going and going without any ability to just rest.

I match a good amount of inattentive traits too, but that's for another post.

Recently as my other symptoms have become more stable and well medicated, I've become more and more aware of just how hyperactive my brain and body are all the time.

I can't really sit still, and I'm not sure if I ever really could. I can sit still when meditating or otherwise focusing on sitting still, but otherwise my body just twitches and moves and stims and fidgets constantly.

I rock, I tap, I jump up and down, I walk in circles, I shake.

I just can't seem to stop moving a lot of the time, both mentally and physically.

Thoughts on an ADHD diagnosis

I don't really want another diagnosis at this point, but ADHD would be a relatively useful one to have.

Useful in that it would indicate to me that I have a solution to this clock frequency problem.

I could try a meditation that would slow down those racing thoughts and somehow bring my brain down to speed.

Though it would have to be a non-stimulant after a nasty experience with drinking too much coffee recently (spiked me all the way into hypomania).

But it's worth looking into, in that medication might be able help slow my brain down a bit.

Maybe my brain will one day be calm and I can just chill.

Maybe one day.

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