I have always been trans (Trans: 1)

This is the 1st post in a series about trans experiences (next)

I have always been a trans woman

I didn't grow up as a boy, as a man, or whatever society likes to label trans women as.

I won't speak for anyone else's experience, but I know this for a fact.

I have always been a trans woman.

It's a fact that's so clear and obvious to me that I struggle to think of more words to say.

Yet it seems like this is some kind of revolutionary idea to cis folks.

I have always been a trans woman.

From when I was born til now and until the day that I die.

This wasn't something I grew into, nor developed over time.

It just took a long time for me myself to realize that fact for myself. For me to find the words that would save me.

I have always been a trans woman.

Growing up

I grew up as a trans girl.

I was told I was too feminine.

I was told I would grow out of it.

I grew up knowing I was different, but not having the words to describe my experience.

Do you understand? Can you understand? The concept of knowing that you are somehow different yet not having the fucking words to describe how you feel.

Can you understand how painful that is?

A deeply painful time of my life, loaded with confusion and pain.

I have always been a trans woman. Even when I was a child and didn't know what those feelings meant.

These experiences are, unfortunately, a core part of the trans experience.

The closet

When I was in grade 9 I learned what being trans was, and knew for certain that I was trans.

I knew this for a fact deeply in my soul, but I didn't know what to do with that information.

So for the next 5 years I would live in the closet.

A deeply painful time of my life, loaded with confusion and pain.

The closet is not an idle place that one sits within while waiting to grow out of it.

It's a deeply painful place that is incredibly hard to escape.

Every part of you is telling you that you should stay in that miserable place, hiding who you are for the sake of others or your own safety.

But eventually something in you breaks and you snap and you decide to fuck all those who stand against you.

You stand up for yourself and decide to do the thing that will make you happy.

I have always been a trans woman. Even when I was in the closet and denying my own existence to myself.

This is, again, a core part of the trans experience.

Pain

I don't like writing about how painful trans experiences are, because I am wary about the damage that it can cause our community.

Venting is fine, but venting to a community puts a load upon everyone who reads it, which can cause individuals to internalize a lot of the pain they read.

Ask me how I know...

But I wanted to share this piece and this critical fact about myself.

I have always been trans. All my pain and scars are evidence of such.

That I know.

All the pain and euphoria that I've experienced growing up is my symbol of my life as a trans woman.

I have always been trans. That will never change.

. . .

No, this is not a phase
Or a coming of age
This will never change

girl in red - girls

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