Adjectives

CW: self-hate, lots of it, I spiralled pretty bad writing this one

. . .

My journal book had this prompt for me.

A simple Venn diagram.

Adjectives you use to describe yourself vs. Adjectives your loved ones use to describe you.

What belongs where?

Adjectives both I and others use

There were a few easy ones.

Smart. I like to think myself as pretty smart. And my loved ones constantly describe me as extremely smart, going as far as calling me "the smartest person they know".

I'm able to describe myself as such sometimes.

Sometimes.

Relatedly, overthinking. I know that I overthink constantly so it's not surprising that it's how someone would describe me.

Hardworing and dedicated. I work hard. I work really hard. I know that I work really really hard

It's not surprising that others describe me as such, and that I describe myself in that way.

Similarly, honest, strong, curious. All things that I'm comfortable describing myself with.

However there are many adjectives that I am described with, which I just can't bring myself to use on myself.

I just can't.

Adjectives my loved ones use

Kind. Am I really?

Caring. Am I really?

Pretty. That can't be right.

Talented. I'm barely getting by.

Insightful. I'm just trying to survive.

I wish I could write more in these two categories.

But I can't.

My inner monologue is dominated by feelings of being bad, evil, and worthless.

I hear what my loved ones say about me.

But.

All I see is how terrible of a person I am.

Adjectives I use to describe myself

Stupid. Condescending

Broken. Rotten. Corrupt.

Worthless.

Lazy.

A failure.

Inherently evil.

Bad.

We are bad. So bad.

Worthless.

Evil.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

My inner monologue is dominated with these thoughts.

All the time.

Always.

Every compliment, every positive comment, every happy smile I get for my actions, is always just a drop in the ocean of self-hatred that seems to exist in our brain.

Nothing is ever able to prove it wrong. Prove to the acid ocean in our brain that we aren't just an inherently evil worthless rotten piece of garbage.

I don't want to live like this.

I don't want to keep hating myself like this.

I just want to be able to love myself.

I just want to not hate myself.

Why is this so hard for us?

Why is this so hard?

I have had plenty of love in my life.

Love from my parents.

Love from friends.

Love from my partners.

Yet I lack that self-love that everyone else seems to have.

I don't have the basic ability to accept a compliment.

I don't have the basic ability to be proud of myself for more than a moment at a time.

I don't have the ability to believe that I'm worthy of someone's love.

I lied earlier.

I don't believe anything positive about myself.

I just don't.

I just don't.

There is nothing in the Venn diagram intersection.

My previous paragraph reads as vaccuous and false.

It feels empty, like putting words on the page to satisfy some part of me that wants to present as somewhat well adjusted and normal.

I don't have anything.

Nothing positive that I have to say about myself.

Just pure, black, smoldering self hatred.

Sigh

I don't know why I'm like this.

I wish I wasn't

But I am.

I just am.

I hope I get better eventually.

That one day I can look at this list and agree.

That one day I can hear what my loved ones say about me and be able to agree wtih them.

That one day, I'll be able to repeat those happy thoughts in my mind.

That the sharp edges in my brain will one day be replaced with warm soft curves.

One day.

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