Failing for the first time

2026-05-19T00:00:00+00:00

This is my combat robot, Inertial.

Bless her heart, she is currently the lowest ranked 12lb robot on the NHRL rankings

Let's talk about failure and what it feels like to fail at something for the first time.

Never failing</h1>
Growing up, I mostly excelled at everything I did.
I was decent at sports, not terrible but not an amazing player. Solid middle of the pack when it came to sports.
But an athelete? I was pretty impressive. Ran provincials at cross country, ran triathlons in university, did the Triple Crown in Vancouver at age 20.
Lot's of fairly impressive things.
As a musician, I was also pretty solidly middle of the pack. Never a great musician, not the best at playing the euph but was pretty good at it.
Middle of the pack in those two areas.
But academically? I was top of my year. Undeniably the best student in my elementary, undeniably top one or two in my highschool, graduated university with the highest GPA in my program and the award to prove it.
In a lot of ways, academics were how a lot of comparisons happened growing up. Comparisons between my other academically minded friends, my peers, and my siblings. A lot of the time it came down to academics as a measuring stick, a way to easily compare ourselves to each other</a>.
Then I graduated and went on to work for one of the most desirable (and well paying) companies in the field. Getting raises, getting congratulated on my achievements, etc etc.
Excelling in every area that was academic or intellectual.
I was good socially too. Made good friends, had attempts at romance, nothing too spectacular in either area but certainly not failing at either of them.
Again, at least middle of the pack in those areas too.
So yeah, middle of the pack in most areas of life, but excelling in academics of all kinds.
So in a very real way, I truly felt like I had never really failed at anything before.
Exposure</h1>
In 2025, I decided to start building a combat robot. I was watching NHRL and was like god damn this looks like so much fun.
I thought I could pick up the skills and just build a 12lb combat robot and do pretty good, I had high expectations for myself.
In a lot of ways it felt like an academic activity, a competition of engineering skill, and I had a lot of confidence in my ability to design and build something that was good.
Oh boy how wrong I was.
Four competitions later and my bot is sitting dead last in the rankings.
Not even middle of the pack, undeniably last place.
And in a very real way, this is a refreshing experience.
I won't get into the details of how Inertial failed (that's fully documented on it's wiki page</a>), but I wanna talk about what it feels like to fail at something like this.
It feels safe. It feels refreshing. It feels eye opening to just be really really really bad at something.
. . .
Everyone fails at something eventually.
This will happen early in life, later in life, whatever. Everyone fails at something eventually. They believe themselves to be capable at something, put effort into it, and then fail to meet their expectations.
This happens to everyone eventually.
For me, this really feels like the first time I've truly, undeniably, failed at something.
And I'm glad it happened like this.
It happened in a hobby I poured countless hours and literal blood, sweat, and tears into sure, but it isn't a failure in something that will drastically change the course of my life.
Not a failure to get into university, not a failure to get a job, not a failure at my job, etc etc.
It was a failure in my fun little competitive hobby.
A safe community where builders and commentators love my unique design and my funny little robot.
"Inertial has the sauce" is still one of my favorite quotes from one of the commentators.
But undeniably, a place where I've failed to meet my own expectations and felt the bitter feeling of defeat, watching my robot fail to function on a basic level (and also have its guts violently ripped out).
Failure is good, actually</h1>
Failure is generally a good thing, really, kinda, let me explain.
Failure is a good thing in a safe setting where you aren't punished for it.
Failure is healthy and pushes you to do better if you fail in a space where you are supported and encouraged through your failures, rather than punished for them.
NHRl is a very safe and healthy place to fail.
The workplace or school can be very unhealthy places to fail, and unfortunately those places are where most people have their first real experiences of failure.
I just got lucky in making it so long without having a true failure before.
Modelling failure</h1>
If I ever raise kids, or have the chance to be a teacher or other kind of role model, I want to be able to model failure for kids in this kind of healthy way.
A way where we can teach children that it's okay to fail, failure is inevitable, and that failure won't be punished.
Teaching them that failing at things is okay and how you learn.
Teaching them that failing at things is motivation and growth and lots of other good things.
Teaching them that failing at things is just a natural part of having drive and ambition.
Not punishing them for not meeting our expectations and desires.
. . .
Anyway soapbox rant over, I suck at combat robots, have a nice day!

My favorite movies (Favorites: 1)

2026-05-17T00:00:00+00:00

This is the 1st post in a series about my favorite media
Movies!
I love them so much.
Probably my third favorite medium after manga and animation. Oh video games, maybe a tie with video games. And with books...
Uhhh.
I love stories and I love storytelling and I love every way that stories can be told.
But anyway, movies!
You get visual splendor, music and sounds, cinematography, actor minutia, and all the amazing storytelling that you can tell through all of the above and the scriptwriting itself.
I love the movies.
Let's talk about my favorites. I'll limit myself to 10 films
Spoiler warning</h2>
Heavy spoilers, absolutely do not read that section before watching the movie

Project Hail Mary</li> </ul>
Minor spoilers, mostly of themes and ideas in the movies, fine to read before watching

Ocean's Eleven</li>
Everything Everywhere All At Once</li>
Spider-verse (Into and Across)</li>
Primer</li>
The Prestige</li>
Tenet</li>
The Night Is Short, Walk On Girl</li>
Kara no Kyoukai</li>
Past Lives</li> </ul>
That being said, most, if not all, of these movies are best enjoyed completely blind.
Table of contents 
Tier 1: My top 5 (unordered)</h1>
Unordered because I could not possibly ever rank them.
Project Hail Mary (2026)</h2>
Oh boy what could I say about PHM that I haven't written about</a> already</a>.
Let's talk music and visuals since we've already belaboured the point on it's amazing themes and how they make me feel.
The soundtrack by Daniel Pemberton is so much fun to listen to, it carries on his leitmotif style of OST composing that elevates the story it accompanies so much. It's wide and epic and creepy, unlike his other bombastic score later on in this list.
The visuals of Rocky are so amazing and I love them so much. The idea to puppet Rocky and have them be an actual animatronic was so so so good for the movie.
The massive expanse of space is so clearly demonstrated and it's so beautiful. From the shots of Adrian to shots of the Petrova Line they're all so pretty.
But there's also the ethereal beauty of some of the small human scenes. Things like the God Willing scene + karaoke scene, the funeral scene, and the final scenes of Rocky and Grace on the beach. They're all so beautifully shot and scored and directed and mwah mwah mwah they're so good!
I love this movie!
It's also just so so so funny. For how serious and dramatic this film can be, it's also so funny, which surprised me. From the first scene of Grace crawling like a worm, to the Blip A scene, to "Rocky invades the Project Hail Mary" scenes, they're all just so funny!
Such a great film I could talk about it forever.
Ocean's Eleven (2001)</h2>
The greatest heist movie of all time, what else can I say.
The creation of the Soderbergh shot-in-a-shot direction, the music, the comedy, the sheer chemistry of the cast.
So good so good!
The heist itself is just so well told and so well executed. The absolute rug pull of the heist going off in a way where you could've known it before it happened but surely would never have.
What a great execution on a great story.
Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)</h2>
This perhaps deserves it's own blog post once I rewatch it.
Actually scratch that, it definitely does.
I've only watched this movie once. Months after my Taiwanese immigrant dad passed away.
My loving, kind to a fault, just-a-guy-in-a-scary-world dad.
My teacher, my coach, my wall to bounce ideas off of.
My dad.
You can guess why this film hits so hard for me.
I'm also just a Taiwanese-Canadian second generation immigrant, who's queer and had a tenuous relationship with my mom.
You can guess why this film hits so hard for me.
I won't spoil and I won't talk any more because I'll save that for the EEAAO blog post that I'll surely write.
But yes, amazing movie. Amazing film.
One of my favorites of all time, even though I've only seen it once.
Into the Spider-verse (2018) and Across the Spider-verse (2023)</h2>
Yes I'm going to cheat and count these two as one movie, fight me this is my blog.
Where do I start with these two movies.
Lemme just link some better analysis of the film than what I could possibly write.
The score. Daniel Pemberton you fucking madlad.
The way musical themes are interwoven with the story makes it so so so fun to listen to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozbKHKntpCc</a> and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqCcbdeubZ0</a> cover it very well.
The animation. God the animation. GOD THE ANIMATION.
SO MUCH LOVE WAS POURED INTO THE ANIMATION OF THESE FILMS.
AMAZE AMAZE AMAZE!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jH0wDp5GnQ</a> and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-wUKu_V2Lk</a>
Let's talk themes and story.
The story is great! It's fun, it's inspiring, it's so so so much fun.
But the themes.
I love the themes of spiderman movies.
The relation to puberty and the awkwardness of being a teenage superhero. The ways that the stories of spiderman movies can always have parallels with any awkward identity that you have to keep a secret from everyone.
My queerness is always represented in some way in spiderman movies, and it means a lot to me.
Primer (2004)</h2>
Okay. This is a cult classic movie made on a shoestring budget.
It is a time travel movie.
Here's what the movie's timeline is like
Need I say more?
Tier 2: I love these movies (also unordered)</h1>
My next 5 favorites are movies I love love love but not on the same level as the top 5.
The top 5 stand head and shoulders above the rest, but that doesn't mean I don't love these movies as well!
The Prestige (2006)</h2>
Like Primer, this is a movie that is hella complicated.
One of Nolan's earlier films, this movie experimented with non-linear storytelling, cutting back and forth from different times to pull off the greatest magic trick of all time.
It's an amazing movie and I really ought to rewatch it.
Watch the nerdwriter analysis after watching it.
Tenet (2020)</h2>
Let's just put the three complex time-travel-y films next to each other.
Tenet is another complicated movie about time-fuckery with reversing the flow of time.
It's another Nolan film. I was close to including a third (Inception, duh) but I decided it didn't fit into my top 10.
But yes Tenet is great and just a straightforwardly great action film which keeps my brain occupied with it's great time-fuckery.
Time-fuckery combined with sick action.
For context, one of my least favorite series of all time is John Wick, because it's just nothing but brainrot action. I don't like John Wick.
I'm not a fan of action movies in general.
But Tenet? Combining action with a really interesting time travel system? Really really fun movie to watch.
Love it!
Kara no Kyoukai (2007-2013)</h2>
Yes, I will combine 7 films into one entry because fuck you that's why.
Anyway
The animation. Just watch this
</iframe> </div>
This is animation from the fucking 2010s.
People point to Fate/Zero to talk about how ahead of the game ufotable is on the rest of the animation industry.
Everyone knows about the Demon Slayer scenes.
But please please please put some respect on Kara no Kyoukai and its fucking amazing godlike truly amazing animation.
ufotable my goats.
Oh god the score. THE SCORE. GOD!
Yuki Kajiura has probably scored some of your favorite, most memorable anime osts if you grew up watching anime in the 2010s. Fate/zero. Madoka magica. Sword art online. Erased. Princess Principal (yes this is obscure but it's one of my favorites). Demon Slayer.
Yuki Kajiura is the fucking GOAT anime ost composer.
Just listen to this:
</iframe> </div>
But let's talk about my favorite movie in the series, the fifth movie: Paradox Spiral.
Kara no Kyoukai 5: Mujun Rasen</h3>
Paradox Spiral is the second movie on this list to be told out of chronological order (can you tell I like this storytelling lens?) about Shiki going into a hotel.
Shiki goes to a fucked up hotel and has a fucked up time in the fucked up hotel.
Shiki kills some stuff with her knife and has some amazing fights.
Shiki experiences a heartfelt, fucked up, hard to parse story.
Time travel, clones, magic, metaphors, visual storytelling? This movie's got it all.
Amazing amazing movie!
(Maybe this belongs in tier 1. The other Kara no Kyoukai films are definitely tier 2, but Mujun Rasen is definitely tier 1)
The Night Is Short, Walk On Girl (2017)</h2>
Let's talk another anime movie, this time by the legendary Yuasa.
If you've watched The Tatami Galaxy</a>, this is a tangential movie to that series, but self contained in it's own right.
A whimsical film that follows a girl and her long night.
It's ambitious in the story it tells, it's so inventive in it's animation, it's just so much fun to watch.
So so so much stuff happens in this short movie, it's hard to even capture it all into one short paragraph.
I don't even know how to describe this movie haha, it leaves me at a loss for words.
It's so much fun to watch. That's one thing I can say for sure.
It's romantic, it's fun, it's exciting, it's a love letter to animation.
Amazing movie!
Past Lives (2023)</h2>
A romance movie that is anything but simple.
A refreshingly inventive romance movie about a romance that lasts over the decades, about the one who gets away.
About a pair who were probably intense lovers in a past life, but doomed to be apart in this one.
It's amazing, it's so gutwrenching, it's so romantic.
It's so well shot. The cinematography elevates the storytelling so much.
It's a story told with so much heart and so much love, seeing as it's a semi-autobiographical movie.
Amazing amazing amazing.
Go watch it!
Honorable mentions</h1>

Whiplash (2014). Music! Themes!</li>
In the Mood for Love (2000). Hong Kong romance</li>
Inception (2010). Aforementioned Nolan film</li>
Lady bird (2017). Teenage coming of age</li>
Your Name (2016). Fun anime movie</li>
5 Centimeters per Second (2007). Another beautiful Shinkai film</li>
Parasite (2019). This movie is too scary for me to count as one of my favorites but oh god is it good.</li> </ul>
Movies I ought to go watch</h1>

Arrival (2016)</li>
Perfect Blue (1997)</li>
Millenium Actress (2001)</li>
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)</li>
Memento (2000)</li>
Decision to Leave (2022)</li>
Memories of Murder (2003)</li>
Coherence (2013)</li>
Predestination (2014)</li>
The Handmaiden (2016)</li>
Liz and the Blue Bird (2018)</li>
Synecdoche, New York (2008)</li>
Uncut Gems (2019) (fear)</li>
Burning (2018)</li>
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013)</li>
12 Monkeys (1995)</li>
Aftersun (2022)</li>
Before Sunset (2004)</li> </ul>

Mirrored: A transition timeline (Trans: 5)

2026-05-15T00:00:00+00:00

This is the 5th post in a series about trans experiences (previous</a>)
A transition in mirror photos</h1>
Staring at a mirror of myself</a> Your browser does not support the video tag. </video>
My timeline</h1>
Beginning (2018-2019)</h2>
Things started slowly for me.
I started transitioning in 2019 before I even realized.
The first few photos are from 2018 and 2019, a baby version of myself that had barely started to come out of her shell.
The Lily that had started to transition but hadn't realized it yet.
Yes, the one waving that trans flag in that picture had "not started transitioning" and believed that she wouldn't start transitioning until 2020
Yes, I was wearing breast forms in a lot of those photos, they were not cheap.
Ottawa, COVID and hormones (2019-2020)</h2>
In 2019 I moved away from home for 8 months to work for the government in Ottawa. Fun stuff.
It was an opportunity to live in a new city and truly live for myself for the first time.
I dressed up, bought clothes, went outside while dressed as a woman for real, and went to support groups.
It was the true beginning of my transition for myself.
Then when I got back to Vancouver, it was COVID-19 time and I bunkered down with my family. Not before coming out to them properly and starting hormones though.
COVID blossoms (2021-2023)</h2>
I spent my COVID burnt out, exhausted from school, and generally often sad.
But it was also when I truly felt like a woman for the first time, had hormones change my brain for the better, and feel truly happy for the first time since I was a little kid.
I blossomed during COVID. I entered in early transition, and left as a fully fledged woman.
It was such a blessing to be able to just stay at home and slowly figure out myself in the safety of my own home.
Truly a blessing.
Included in the video are a bunch of mirror selfies during this period.
New York City baby! (2023-2026)</h2>
Then I moved out for real and set off into the world with my bachelors in hand and a job offer to die for.
It was exciting, it was fun, it was so so so exhausting.
But my years in New York were some of my favorite I've been able to have all my life.
Living with a dispensable income. Living as a woman. Living in a great city.
An amazing few years filled with amazing moments and amazing friends.
A few years filled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and intense anxiety while I figured myself out mentally.
A journey I'm still in the middle of.
So, a small selection of photos selected of various fun moments I had in NYC.

Music for headmates: 1

2026-05-14T00:00:00+00:00

Lily (she/her)</h1>
Hihi, I figured a good way to introduce some of our headmates in more detail would be to share some of their favorite music, since most headmates have pretty distinct tastes and favorite songs.
And we want to share more details about our headmates to our friends/family who read our blog.
So without further ado, I'll start us off I guess. </iframe>
Ego Death (feat Steve Vai) is one of my favorite songs of all time.
It's technical. It's catchy. It's a fucking banger banger banger banger banger!
I love it so much.
I love Steve's solo. The tremolo goes so fucking hard.
I love the little trumpet solo at the end.
The basslines and drums go so so so hard. Everyone always focuses on the guitars when it comes to Polyphia (for good reason!) but the rhythm section is also amazing.
An inspiration!
I love it I love it I love it!
I rave about this song to everyone who likes this kind of music.
Polyphia rocks so much and this song deserves more attention than Playing God (which also rocks but I think is overrated)
Anyway I have a whole playlist of my favorite songs, my one hour "musical identity" playlist. It's a fun exercise, make a one hour playlist that summarizes your musical identity. </iframe>
About me</h2>
So most of y'all already know me quite well, as I was probably fronting when you got to know us.
I'm the anxious one, pretty smart I guess, thoughtful and kind.
I'm pretty cool I guess.
I overwork</a>, am always doing my best</a>, love project hail mary</a>, am trans</a>, love my girlfriend, am always writing and teaching</a>, and lots of other things.
Now I also love love love music. But I'm not the biggest music lover in the system.
That honor goes to the one and only...
Skye! (she/her)</h1>
Heyo.
I don't talk much, so Lily will be writing a lot of this.
I don't really like texting, and I don't talk at all.
But I love music. </iframe>
I love driving beats.
I love music that I can walk and vibe to.
There's a specific kind of driving hip-hop/rock beat that is so addicting.
4 on the floor house beats are one of those things.
Anyway here's a playlist I made for my good friend, Raven
Movement music </iframe>
About me</h2>
Idk what do I say.
I like music. I like walking.
I'm typically the person that handles walking around and getting us places.
I love cycling.
I want to get into motorcycles.
I want to get into dancing, specifically contemporary dance.
I play music, bass is fun.
I'm generally the creative driver in our system.
Painting is fun, usually Lily and I are the ones painting.
Making robots is fun, again me and Lily, Cedar helps out too. I love Inertial</a> and I'm so proud of her.
I don't talk much, I'm pretty much mute irl.
I text a bit, usually to our girlfriend and Raven.
My music taste is music that's fun to run/bike/walk to.
Our next headmate likes music that makes him angry, it's nice and cathartic for him.
He's a nice guy once you get to know him.
Hollow (he/him)</h1>
Alright let's do this.
I like metal.
Music that's hyper intense, highly technical, and fun to rock out to.
I have a favorite album, so I'll pick out a song from there. </iframe>
It's a fucking banger.
What else do you want me to say.
I love the instrumentals, the general idea in metal that it should be a fight between the lead guitars and the vocals.
The bass fucking rocks out in this song.
The drums go hard too.
In case you haven't noticed, the entire system is quite partial to the rhythm section.
Anyway this album makes me feel.
Lily listens to this to make me come out, though that effect has faded the more we listen to this album.
Snowlover was the original track that brought me out on command.
The entire album rocks. </iframe>
I guess I should talk about myself now.
About me</h2>
I'm the resident angry face.
All the repressed anger that Lily feels gets channeled into me.
I yell at people. I confront people. I turn our repressed frustration and anger into making things fucking happen.
I punch holes in walls, I scream, I lay it out onto people.
I wrote a lot of the forgiveness</a> article.
I'm also generally an emotional conduit within the system.
I can figure out who's feeling what and best communicate.
I share this job with Thyme, who you'll read about later.
I form a lot of our external strength, the hard front that appears whenever we need to confront someone or go through a hard situation.
I work hard with Cedar to get the system through hard times. He keeps me grounded when I front to keep us from doing things that we feel bad about.
He keeps me calm and makes sure my anger gets channeled properly.
I'm also one of the primary trauma holders within the system, and I share a subsystem with one of the other trauma holders, Knight.
Knight is my little sibling and I refuse to let anyone hurt them. I protect them with my everything. I refuse to let anyone hurt them any more than they've already been hurt. Even if that hurt comes from Lily or any other member of the system.
Anyway that's me. Angry, strong front, trauma holder, emotional conduit.
Who's up next?
Lotus (she/her), Leaf (she/her/fae/faer), and Thyme (she/her)</h1>
Lotus: Hi!
Thyme: Hello~
Thyme: We share similar music tastes so Lily figured we could just go together~
Thyme: We like calm, ethereal, peaceful music. </iframe>
Thyme: We love this album so much~
Lotus: It's so calm and peaceful! It makes us feel so safe and calm! </iframe>
About me! (Lotus)</h2>
Hi!
I'm a child!
Lily likes to call me a child version of her!
I'm an inner child she says? I don't really get it but I like that I get to exist :D
I like sharkies! They're so soft n comfy n cute.
I like Willow! She's really nice.
I like rocking n laughing and being cute.
Lily is a bit stinky sometimes and kicks me out of the front to talk and I get my revenge by stealing her chair!
Chair thief! That's me :)
(Cedar: The chair thing refers to our headspace</a>)
Bweeeeeeee~
About me~ (Thyme)</h2>
hiiiii~
im thyme~
im generally calm and peaceful.
im also very sleepy a lot of the time
i have a pretty good handle on how everyone in the system is feeling
me and hollow share that job
we keep an eye on everyone and tell cedar when someone isnt feeling well
cedar usually gets lilys attention and we go from there
anyway yes calm and eepy thats me~
About Leaf</h2>
Lotus: Leaf is cute! Fae doesn't talk or really communicate much, but she's cute!
Cedar: Leaf is a trauma holder and holds onto a lot of our difficult or negative experiences. Fae struggles a lot and is often in a lot of emotional pain. We all try our best to soothe faer and help faer through whatever fae is experiencing
Lily: Thank you Leaf, for everything that you do for us

How to do less (someone please tell me)

2026-05-13T00:00:00+00:00

"Anything less than your everything is not good enough"
Is a lesson that's unfortunately very deeply engrained into my head.
That I have to work as hard as I physically can at everything I do.
That anything less is cheating or failure or "not good enough"
That anything less than complete burnout is a failure.
. . .
I wish it wasn't.
I want to write about why and how I think I can move forward.
Why (easy)</h1>
There's the easy answer that it's what capitalist society pushes for.
"Always be productive"
"Increase value in the world"
"Always be working as hard as you can"
The society we live in just inherently pushes people as far as they can go for the sake of increasing "value".
It sucks for everyone and we all hate it.
Rewarded</h2>
However.
If you do work very hard, you get rewarded immensely.
Having a strong work ethic has gotten me very very far in life.
I've had immense success in part because I always work very hard at everything that I do.
It's hard to unlearn something when it's been so deeply rewarded my entire life.
From getting good grades in elementary school and being rewarded by my peers and my parents.
To getting into good universities based on my highschool grades.
To getting scholarships based on my university grades.
To getting an excellent job based on my personal projects.
To getting raises at said job based on my performance.
Every step of the way, I've been rewarded for my hard work.
Which makes sense, hard work should pay off.
But what it's taught me is that "going as hard as possible is a good thing"
I've never been taught the opposite.
I've never been told that the opposite was even okay.
No one has ever taught me how to slow down.
Why (medium)</h1>
My dad taught me a lot of things.
Like literally, in sports and in math, he taught me a lot of stuff.
But also figuratively, in life.
He taught me how to teach, which is now how I write</a>.
He taught me how to be a good person, which I carry on with me through life.
And relevantly for this post, he taught me to work hard.
He worked extremely hard.
Extremely hard.
I saw his work ethic and it taught me that it was what was normal.
To work long long hours and always put your full 100% into each work day.
That's just what I saw and what I internalized and what I learned.
It's what I was taught.
Why (hard)</h1>
There's one final "why" for why I believe I have to work myself to the point of physically not being able to continue.
And that's a lack of self worth.
I always come back to this idea of self worth.
I see my anxious attachment style</a> and I see the root cause as a lack of self worth.
I see my past self living in shame</a> and I see her immense lack of self worth.
And I see my overworking habits now as another way that my lack of self worth manifests in my day to day life.
I am not worth anything if I'm not productive.
Like Brennan in this clip</a>, I've always thought that I'm only worth something if I'm useful.
Let's backtrack.
The idea that I'm worth something is something that I've been able to cultivate and build for myself.
I have a strong sense of self worth nowadays.
I am insightful, intelligent, kind, helpful, etc etc
I have value in who I am as a person.
However a lot of that value is derived from how hard I work.
I work hard at being insightful for my friends and peers.
I'm not just smart, I work hard to cultivate that intelligence.
I work hard to be a kind person.
I try very hard to be as helpful as possible.
I have value because of how hard I work.
The idea that I could have value as a person, just by being myself, without having to try?
That I don't believe, yet, not even a little bit.
And so I fall into my usual cycles.
I work too hard, burn myself out, and then work harder to try to "cure" my burnout.
Until I mentally crash and feel suicidal and become completely unable to do anything.
It's a vicious cycle and one that I haven't figured out a way out of.
Cultivating self worth</h1>
In order to stop this cycle I have to figure out how to cultivate a sense of self worth that isn't tied to my productivity.
Something that isn't tied to my efforts or my work, but rather something tied to how I intrinsically am as a person.
Something that stuck out to me during my residential</a> was the idea that, "you are worthy, intrinsically, unchangably".
I want to believe that.
That I am worth something, intrinsically, as a person.
Not because of my producitivity. Not because my work. Not because of how useful I am to someone.
That I am worth something to myself and to others just by being a person.
I don't believe that yet.
. . .
But I want to.

My thoughts on regrets

2026-05-12T00:00:00+00:00

I don't really regret things.
Like, ever.
Big or small.
No matter the consequence or pain that I experienced as a result of my choices.
I don't really ever feel regret towards my behaviors and actions.
Do I wish I didn't have to deal with the consequences? Of course.
But do I wish that I had done something different? Not really.
I don't because of a simple fair of facts.

I am always doing the best that I can</li>
I did the things that I did because of the situation and circumstance I was under</li> </ol>
Both of those are pretty rock solid facts that I've been able to establish for myself.
I feel that both are true about myself quite strongly.
However as time has passed, I've begun to apply this thought to everyone that I interact with.
That they are all trying their best.
And that their actions are because of their current circumstance and situation.
And because of that, I can forgive them, give them compassion, and give them grace.
Allow me to elaborate.
Always trying your best</h1>
I hate the idea that it's possible to not try your best at every situation.
Let me repeat that, I hate the very idea that it's even possible to not try your best in every situation.
I think that it's just a natural fact of life.
No matter what, you're doing your best always.
Even if you fall into addiction or anger or violence.
You are doing the best that you can under the circumstances that you're under.
Of course, this does not insulate you from consequence.
But what you do every day is always your best.
When I'm depressed and can't get out of bed and can only manage to eat and sleep, that's me doing the best that I can.
When I get triggered and lash out in anger at someone, that's me doing my best.
When I closeted myself for years and was too scared to come out and transition, that was me doing my best.
What??? Why?</h1>
Yeah it's a weird idea to wrap your head around, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
Imagine a scenario where you wish you had done something differently.
Could be a major life decision you wish you had done something differently in.
Could be something as minor as wishing you hadn't taken that risk when jaywalking across the street.
Could be anything.
Now consider, why did you do the thing that you did? And why was that not the choice that you wish you had taken?

Was it because you didn't have all the information you have now?</li>
Was it because of the situation you were in and how you were feeling in that moment?</li>
Was it because of your history and traumas and life experiences?</li>
Was it a combination of the above?</li> </ul>
In all of my experiences, I can always point to one of those, or something similar, which explains why I made the choice that I did.
I made the choice that I did because I was doing the best that I could.
Tautological</h1>
My argument is almost a bit tautological.
If you made the decision, then it must have been the best decision you could've made under the circumstances.
If you choose to opt into this belief, then by definition it absolves you of all regret.
By making a decision (even if that decision was inaction), you did the best you could've done under the circumstances.
My reasoning for this is pretty simple.
It's not possible to do anything than the best you could've done under the circumstance.
Why?
Because you did it.
It's what you ended up doing.
"But I could have..."
Yes, you certainly could have chosen to not do that thing you regret...but you did what you did.
If you treat yourself as a system of inputs and outputs, what gets put in is what gets put out.
Your life experiences, your past, the weather, your mood, the state of your being are what got put in.
What you got out whas the thing you ended up doing.
By nature of you doing that thing, it was the best you could have done.
You physically could not have done any better, or really any different.
But what about...</h2>
Self sabotage? Happens for a reason, always.
Getting unlucky? Not something you can control or known about.
You physically could not have done any better, or really any different.
Immense relief</h1>
To me, once I made that logical conclusion, I felt an immense amount of relief.
It frees me from regret.
It frees me from having to think about my actions and ruminating on what I could've done better.
I did the best I could under the circumstances
Isn't that kinda really relieving to think about?
To be free from ruminating on your past decisions?
To be free from wishing you had done better?
To be free from regret entirely?
But wait, what about free will?</h1>
There's a little weird thing that I had snuck into that earlier argument.
What about free will?
If you're absolving yourself of guilt and regret by believing that everything you do is the best that you could have done...
What about free will?
Could you not choose to do something different?
Could you not choose to do something of your own free will?
. . .
Ultimately this is a very personal decision to make, one that you have to think pretty long and hard about.
Are you going to surrender the idea of you having free will, for the relief of not having to regret your past decisions?
To me, I just kinda came to that logical conclusion that I don't really have free will??? Like I do the things that I do because of my past and my circumstance and that, in a weird scientific way, things are always going to happen as they do.
So I pretty readily accepted that belief that I am always doing my best and there is tautologically no reason to ever regret doing something
And it makes me a better person for it.
I carry myself much lighter and don't hold myself to do things better than I could physically do.
I am much more easily able to give others grace and kindness when their actions affect my life.
This belief makes me a better person overall for it, I think so anyway.
Aside: Physics</h2>
This free will argument is an extension of the theory that there is no randomness in the world; that we're all just little physics machines that have no free will in the same way that a ball rolling down a hill doesn't have free will.
The theory that the big bang was like a first pool shot. Scattering balls in a seemingly random way, but ultimately in a way that can be computed given the exact inputs of the system.
The belief that the world is an impossibly complex system of chemistry and physics, but one that, if someone had all the knowledge of the current state of the world, could perfectly predict.
That's what I choose to believe about the world.
Arguments against are mostly quantum arguments, and I think those are kinda bullshit? Our brains are made of cells and chemicals, which behave like any other chemical or cell, they don't quantumlly teleport or entangle with each other.
Can you perfectly predict subatomic particles? No becuase quantum.
But can you predict the behavior of cells and chemicals if you had the exact circumstances? Are you going to argue that you can't "because quantum"? Because I think that's bullshit.
So anyway there is no free will at all so you don't need to ever regret anything because you always did your best because it was the only thing you could have possibly done okay bye

Bravery (Project Hail Mary: 2)

2026-05-11T00:00:00+00:00

This is the 2nd post in a series about the book/movie Project Hail Mary (previous</a>)
Have you seen Project Hail Mary</a> yet?
You should go see it, it's leaving theatres soon!
Anyway, let's talk about a major theme of the movie, the idea of bravery.
Bravery gene</h1>
The first time bravery is mentioned in the film is when Grace talks to Yao about it.
(paraphrasing because I don't have the movie memorized (yet))
Grace: "You guys have a bravery gene that I just don't have"
Yao: "It's not about being brave, you just have to have someone to be brave for"
. . .
Repeatedly this idea of bravery is brought up to Grace.
By Rocky.
By Eva.
By Carl.
By everyone around him.
On his last day on Earth he vehemently denies this.
That he's brave.
That he could do something like Project Hail Mary.
. . .
But he proves that he could do it.
It's not about being brave, you just have to have someone to be brave for
What about me?</h1>
I often find myself asking myself the same questions that Grace does.
Can I do this?
Can I survive?
Do I have the strength and skill and intelligence necessary to survive this?
And most importantly
Am I brave enough?
Brave enough to withstand the fires of the building that I live in</a>?
Brave enough to not succumb to the thousands of cuts I experience</a>?
Brave enough to live, as broken as I am?
What Project Hail Mary proposes is that it's not about me.
It's not a matter of if I am brave enough.
It's a matter of finding a reason to be brave.
A reason to keep going.
A reason to keep fighting.
A reason to hold onto hope</a>.
Reasons</h1>
It'll take some time to fill out my reasons for being brave, but I have some idea of the shape that it might take.
My friends, the ones that I care about and that care about me.
My family, the ones who have seen me through everything.
My loved ones, who hold me close.
. . .
I always hated the idea of living for someone else.
Hated the idea of finding reasons to live.
Because the reasons to live are obvious: I love life.
I love life so much, even though my brain tries its hardest to kill us.
The reasons to live are always obvious to me: to experience more of the joy and love.
Same with the reasons to die: to be free from the pain.
. . .
I hate the idea of finding reasons to live.
But I'm happy with the idea of finding reasons to be brave.
A reason, besides my own selfish desires, to be brave and to be strong and to keep going.
Keep going.
I will be brave.
I will keep going.
I will keep going.
I will keep going.
No matter the pain.
I will keep going.
I will be brave.
Just like Grace.

Looking for a home, making a home, yearning for a home

2026-05-11T00:00:00+00:00

For a long time I've felt like I haven't had a proper home.
And because of that, we've been pretty obsessed with the idea of making a home.
Building a community, of any kind.
I've wanted this so bad.
I've tried for so long.
Just trying to make a place where we belong.
Where I left my soul</h2> </iframe>
Will someone take me home
Looking for a home</h1>
I've looked, but nowhere ever fits properly.
Queer groups at university.
Queer support groups in Ottawa
Autistic adult groups in NYC.
Mental health programs in California.
Various discord servers, small and large, those run by friends and those run by strangers.
So many discord servers.
Queer servers, plural servers, autistic servers, combinations of the above...
Nothing ever seemed to just fit.
Nothing.
Not for a lack of trying.
We'd inevitably try to communicate.
To try to fit in with this group of people.
And we'd fail.
Fail to feel close to anyone.
Fail to be seen.
Fail to feel seen.
Fail over and over and over.
Making a home</h1>
So we sat down and started trying to make a place for us to belong.
We dragged all our friends, all of them, into a big minecraft server discord.
That worked, for a bit.
We dragged all our ttrpg friends into a West Marches campaign.
That worked, for a bit.
Every time, glimpses of something that would stick, but never anything that actually would.
But still we keep trying.
Each time we try we introduce new ideas and try a little harder.
Hoping that this time</a> will be different.
Hoping that this time something will stick.
That this little project will become a home.
For others.
For strangers.
For ourselves.
Yearning for a home</h1>
I've yearned for this for so long.
To be surrounded by people that I can just be around.
Be appreciated.
Be seen.
Be loved.
A place where I can just be.
Without the masks.
Without pretending.
Without hiding who we are.
I want to keep trying.
I refuse to give up.
I will keep searching.
Keep trying to build a community.
Keep trying to make new friends in new spaces</a>.
Keep trying.
Practical</h1>
Practically speaking, there are a few paths to this home that I desire so much.
One is quite obvious and will happen, a home with my partner.
Adopting children, building up a network of friends in my home city, building a home with her.
I want that so bad.
I will make it happen.
One day...
. . .
The other is quite ambitious, but one that I want to believe can happen.
A home for those who are like us, who are without a home, who are lost in the world.
Those who grew up confused and lost and needing of someone to look up towards.
Someone to show them that they had a future.
That home is neuroqueer.club</a>, and I will keep trying and keep trying and keep trying to make it a thing.
I will keep trying.
Keep trying.

Forgiveness

2026-05-10T00:00:00+00:00

This post is written by the Terra system as a whole, when plural pronouns (we/us) are used, they're referring to our system, not to you the reader or anyone else
The primary authors of this post are Lily, Hollow, and Knight. Others may chime in, we'll see. See this post</a> for details on our plural system.
Lily:
During program we were given this worksheet to ponder
And I was forced to think hard about what it meant to forgive someone.
Forgiving people for making small mistakes is an everyday occurance and easy for us to do.
Forgiving someone who's wronged us deeply, hurt us deeply, is much much harder.
But today, I'd like to for us to try.
I'd like to try to forgive this person.
I'd like for all of us to forgive this person.
1. Forgiveness is letting go of anger, even though you are justified</h3>
Hollow:
I'm angry still.
Lily wants me to forgive but she's not the one who holds a lot of the hurt and trauma.
She doesn't feel the anger that we feel, it only bubbles under the surface for her.
She doesn't fucking get it.
Anger and resentment...
Lily:
You are valid and justified in feeling the way that you do Hollow, but you agree that we all want to move past being stuck in anger and hostility towards her right?
Right?
2. Forgiveness is recognizing that the wrongdoer is human</h3>
Lily:
She's human and made mistakes.
She hurt us because she's not perfect either. We're certainly not perfect.
When we inevitably make mistakes raising children of our own, we certainly want our children to forgive us for any mistakes that we make, right?
We have to let go of our anger in order to amend this relationship
Hollow:
. . .
Knight:
i'm still scared. scared of her hurting us again. scared of what her future mistakes might do to us. scared of her scared of her scared of her scared of her
Lily:
You aren't alone anymore, Knight. You're not a lonely child without support anymore. You're that frozen part of us in the past, yes, but now you're a member of a system full of competent adults who can keep us safe.
We have supports: a therapist, a girlfriend, friends, other family members, and most importantly we have ourselves</a>
We will be okay.
I want to believe that we'll be able to weather any mistakes that will come from her in the future.
Because ultimately, I want to amend this relationship, however damaged by the past it might be
3. Forgiveness is a chance to amend a relationship that was damaged</h3>
Lily:
I want her back in my life in a real way, not just on a surface level.
Hollow:
What I need you to realize, Lily, is that not everyone feels that way.
I certainly don't.
I don't want her back in our life.
Knight is scared of her.
I don't fucking like talking to her or being with her or interacting with her at all.
Lily:
But she's our <redacted></code>
Hollow:
So fucking what.
You know that real bonds matter more than superficial bonds like that.
Chosen family is what fucking matters to us now.
Why choose to accept someone who's wronged us so deeply in the past.
Why would we do that. We have plenty of people in our life that we're happy with.
Just keep her at arms length for the rest of our life and move on.
Knight:
i want to
Hollow:
Huh?
Knight:
i want to forgive her. i choose to do so, hollow.
i want to be close with her.
i want to forgive her.
Hollow:
Sigh...
Fine.
Let's continue
4. Forgiveness is a mental shift that develops over time</h3> Lily: I'm not asking you to forgive her overnight. It's been 3 years since we moved out. 5 years since we cried to her and declared that we needed space. We've been running as far away from her as possible for the last 5 years. And it's been good for us. But now I miss her. I want to slowly move back closer. I'm not asking you to instantly go back to being close with her, as we might have been in the past. I'm just asking for us to reverse course and slowly step towards her. Slowly Hollow: Listen I'm not the bad guy here. You speak as if I'm the one who's the most opposed to all this. You know this for a fact, Lily. You're the one who's the most opposed to all this Who are you really trying to convince by making us write this. Lily: . . . Maybe you're right. You're usually right, Hollow. I think Knight is the most scared of all of us, since they're the one who's been hurt the most Knight: yeah... Lily: And you're the one who carries the anger and resentment. Hollow: Yes Lily: But all that fear and resentment sprouted out of me. I'm ultimately the source of a lot of this. I'm the source of the anger and fear, it just gets dissociated onto you two So am I the one who really doesn't want to deal with her? To not have her in my life? Probably. But at the same time, I also feel like I want her in my life. Is that contradictory? Yes. Is that me being very callous about how the rest of the system feels? Probably. But I want to be selfish. I want us to forgive her. 5. Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing what happened.</h3> Lily: We can forgive her without excusing what she did to us. The hurt she put us through. The years and the moments of pain that we still carry within us. 6. Forgiveness is not forgetting how you were wronged</h3> Lily: I will never forget. Hollow: I will never fucking forget what she did to us. Knight: i will never forget... cant ever forget 7. Forgiveness is not an agreement to continue a relationship as it was</h3> Lily: We can forigve her while building a new relationship with her. One rooted in what we said to her during that therapy session. One rooted in the facts. That we were scarred and hurt and traumatized by her. We can have a new relationship that takes a new, honest form. 8. Forgiveness is an opportunity to heal</h3> Lily: We can heal from this. We can heal from our past. Knight can finally rest. Hollow can finally rest. Neither of you need to be so hypervigillant and scared, angry and resentful. You can both put down the heavy baggage that I've saddled you two with. You two can heal. Hollow: Easy for you to say... Knight: but i want to believe that this can happen for us. that one day i can just exist without being afraid. afraid of being hurt afraid of being hurt afraid of being hurt 9. Forgiveness is a personal decision only you can make for yourself.</h3> Lily: Can we do this? Can we agree on this? 10. Forgiveness is for you</h3> Lily: Can we agree that this is what's best for us? Can we do this for us? 11. Forgiveness is not something that can be forced</h3> Lily: I can't force you two. I can't force you to agree with me that this is something that would be best for us. But I want to believe that you two, one some level, agree with me. . . . Again, this isn't a change that's going to happen overnight. This will happen slowly, gradually, over many years. It took us 5 years of distance to finally feel comfortable reaching back out. It'll probably take us another few years to forgive her fully. And our relationship will never be the same. Our relationship with her will never be like the one she has with our brothers. Our relationship will be something different, something that we can choose to build together. Our relationship will be something unique, and I think, very beautiful. The relationship of two people deciding to come back together and meet each other in the middle. I want to forgive her. I want to forgive her. I want to forgive her. I want to be, not close, not friendly, but a secret third thing. I want her to be family again. Hollow: Fine. Knight: i believe you lily. you and hollow and the others will protect me and we'll all be okay Lily: Yes we will. All will be well. This is just us reaching out with an olive branch. A peace offering. An insight that we send to her so she knows where we're at. Because words typed are always easier than words said for us. We can communicate how we feel much easier this way than we can in either language. This is what works best for us. So this is how we will choose to send this message to you. . . . Happy Mother's Day, Mom

I will be dependent on meds and support for the rest of my life

2026-05-04T00:00:00+00:00

I've had to come to terms with two facts in the last few years.
Because of my mental health disorders, two facts are likely true

I will be dependent on psychiatric medication for the rest of my life</li>
I will be dependent on social support and therapy for the rest of my life</li> </ol>
Medications</h1>
I will be taking psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
My OCD is no longer crippling but is still exhausting to deal with</a>.
I can't imagine going back to my life before I started on medication to help with my OCD.
So I'll be on my OCD medication for the rest of my life
That same medication was what triggered my hypomanic symptoms, uncovering a bipolar 2 diagnosis.
I can't imagine surviving constant hypomanic episodes followed by depressive crashes.
So I'll be taking my mood stabilizers for the rest of my life.
I will be taking psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
This is a fact I've had to come to terms with in the last few years.
It's a tough pill to swallow (haha), but it's something I've come to terms with.
I will be taking psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
And that's okay.
I am disabled and need medication to support myself, it's no different than any other medication that is lifesaving and required for someone to stay alive.
Nothing is different.
Support</h1>
I will be require social support and therapy for the rest of my life.
This is an even more difficult pill to swallow.
That I can't take care of myself on my own.
That I need help from my partner, friends, family, and therapist to keep my life on track.
If the last 9 years have shown me anything, it's that I just can't do it on my own.
I've tried my best and done all the right things...
But when the first thing you lose is all your coping skills and internal supports, it's very hard to take care of yourself.
Hence the conclusion:
I will be require social support and therapy for the rest of my life.
This is hard to accept because I want to be self-sufficient.
I want to be independent.
I want to be strong enough to take care of myself.
Accepting support</h2>
I don't want to accept help from those who care about me.
I've struggled with this for a long time, and will likely continue to struggle this for awhile longer.
Accepting help, when I so desperately need it.
Accepting structure from those who can provide it for me, when I can't provide it for myself.
Accepting support.
I need it...most likely for the rest of my life.
To keep the bipolar depression under control.
To keep the OCD under control.
To stop myself from overworking and burning myself out.
To stop the spirals before they snowball out of control.
I will be require social support and therapy for the rest of my life.
It's hard</h1>
It's hard to come to terms with.
Three years ago I expected to be off medications within a year.
Last year I thought I had figured everything out and could manage on my own.
Neither of those turned out to be true.
So I've flipped and started working on accepting the most difficult facts, even if they might not be true.
Part of me holds out hope that I could make do without social support.
That I could lessen my medicinal load.
That I could maybe one day just exist "normally".
But that doesn't seem likely for me.
It just isn't in the cards for me because of the brain I was born into.
It just isn't in the cards for me.
And I have to accept that it's okay to need support and medication.
For the rest of my life.

Death by a thousand cuts: My current experience of OCD

2026-05-04T00:00:00+00:00

Death by a thousand cuts.
I am excellent at coping with my OCD.
I identify obsessive thoughts quickly.
I let them pass through me and try to defuse from them as quickly as possible.
To not give them any power.
To let them go freely as thoughts that just happen.
I am excellent at this
Yet...
My OCD still causes me an unhealthy amount of distress</h1>
I told my therapist today, that if my peak OCD was a 9/10 or 10/10 on the "intensity" scale of OCD, then my current state is about a 5/10
Much much better than it was before.
But the ideal is a 0/10.
And I'm still far from that.
Many of my compulsions get stopped as second nature.
Many of my obsessions pass through freely without a second thought.
But the sheer volume of them makes life extremely tiring sometimes.
When doing anything besides isolating alone at home triggers my OCD, it's very hard to exist.
Even if the thoughts don't hurt as bad as they used to, they still hurt a little bit.
And the sheer volume of them makes life just, really tiring.
When doing anything that isn't tested and familiar and fully exposure tested results in anxious thoughts galore.
It's hard to exist as a person. A real person who does things besides hide away in their home.
It's hard to not succumb every day to the thousands of little cuts.
It's just
really
really
hard
to find the energy and willpower
to keep going.
When I've made so much progress and done so much.
And it still just sucks.
The best I can do</h1>
I've reached the point where the best I can do is force myself through exposure, and attempt to limit it to a managable amount every day.
To slowly reclaim land that triggers my OCD little by little until I can step into it without freaking out.
But it's so hard when existing as a real, normal person requires so much uncertainty. So many new situations. So many untrusted people and new situations and unfamiliar places.
I can only do so much exposure a day.
I can only tolerate so much.
So I wonder if I'll be able to live through the rest of my life like this.
Or will I one day succumb to it.
Will I
be able
to
live?
Or...
will I
just
not?
Death by a thousand cuts.
Suicidal thoughts</h1>
It's hard to not spiral into suicidal thoughts when I look at my OCD through this lens.
More than bipolar depression, this is what gets me feeling the most suicidal.
My OCD.
The thought that despite everything I've done, I'm still getting hundreds of little cuts a day.
And the best I can do at this point is to minimize the amount of cuts I get a day.
In an attempt to make my life my tolerable to live.
It's
so
so
so
tiring.
I'm just
so
tired.
Sometimes if I sit down and think about this situation too hard I get very very suicidal thoughts.
I think about the burning building</a> that I live in and think about
just
jumping out of it.
But I will keep going</h2>
But I will keep going.
But I will keep going.
But I will keep going.
I love life too much to give up on it because of the pain I have to experience to live said life.
I love my partner.
I love gender euphoria and cute outfits.
I love painting.
I love writing.
I love teaching.
I love coding and building things.
I love. I love. I love.
But just for a second sometimes, I think about that burning building.
And how it must be burning real hard for me to love life so much.
Yet
consider
jumping out of it.
I love life.
But it's just
so
so
so
hard.

If I die of depression, read this post

2026-05-03T00:00:00+00:00

There's a comedian I watched during residential</a> that was someone talking about depression and meds and such.
There was a funny bit in there about how "people are so worried about the side effects of psychiatric medication"
"When I'm more worried about the side effects of depression, namely death."
I thought that was funny, but the next line was what really stuck with me.
"We really shouldn't be calling it suicide, we should be calling it dying of depression"
. . .
If I die of depression</h1>
If I die of depression, know that it was a fight.
From the first day I developed OCD symptoms as a child.
From the first time I felt depressed in high school.
From when I first felt dysphoria.
From when I first got nightmares and other cPTSD trauma responses.
It was a fight.
I would have fought as hard as I could have.
As hard as humanly possible.
But if I lose, then know that it was just too much for a person to handle.
You know</h1>
You know that I am strong.
Terra is strong. Lily is extraordinarly strong.
So if I lose, know that it was an honorable fight and that I tried my best.
If I don't make it, then it was not for a lack of effort.
It was the honorable defeat of one of the strongest people you know.
. . .
This is true of everyone who dies of depression</h1>
Everyone who dies of depression fought a long and hard fight.
You don't blame someone who dies of lung cancer of "not fighting hard enough".
Yet somehow there's this opinion of deaths by depresison that they were being selfish.
That they should have just tried harder.
But know that everyone who dies of depression tries their fucking hardest.
No one willingly dies.
Yet those who die of depression are blamed for their own death.
And that's stupid and pisses me off.
We don't "commit suicide". We don't "give up". What we did was not "selfish".
We died of depression.
If I die</h1>
If I die of depression, know that it was a fight.
That I pushed harder than you could possibly imagine.
For years, for decades.
Through excruciating pain.
Through experiences I can barely</a> explain</a> to</a> you</a>.
You can't understand what it's like to suffer so bad that death seems like the correct action.
If someone dives out of a burning building, that's not suicide.
But if I dive out of a building to free myself from my thoughts, that's somehow something different.
If I die, treat it as me jumping out of a burning building.
A desperate action to free myself from the pain that I experience.
Constantly. Perpetually.
If I die of depression, read this post
I did not "commit suicide"
I died of OCD and Bipolar disorder and depression and anxiety and dysphoria and cPTSD
. . .
Anyway that was a depressing post, but one I had to make.
I'm doing fine. Don't worry about me.
I just had to get this idea out into the world. To set the record straight in case I don't make it.

Hope and the determination to save yourself (and the world) (Project Hail Mary: 1)

2026-05-02T00:00:00+00:00

This is the 1st post in a series about the book/movie Project Hail Mary (next</a>)
Have you seen Project Hail Mary</a> yet?
If not, and it's still in theatres, go watch it! Like literally right now, or today, or this weekend.
Go see it! It's quickly become one of my favorite movies of all time :D
Watch it blind. Don't look up anything just go into it blind.
Definitely don't read this post before watching the movie
This is a short set of blog posts on the movie, because I've been obsessed with it and need an outlet.
Project Hail Mary is so fucking good.
Anyway this is pretty incoherent because I'm distracted but also trying to write about something I haven't fully crystalized in my head yet.
This is a very incoherent blog post, sorry.
Hope</h1> I watched Project Hail Mary during my residential program</a> as one of our weekend outings.
I had just come off of a very difficult week and a very difficutlt day the day before, and was struggling with having a will to live.
Struggling with the weight of having to keep going</a>.
I was struggling so much when I walked into that movie theatre.
I walked out of that theatre with a clear sense of hope and will to live. The first time I had felt that in some time.
I walked out of that theatre with the strength and hope to keep going.
Why hope? Why strength?</h2>
Because I just spent two and a half hours watching a person, an alien, a woman, and the rest of humanity fight to save themselves.
Fight to save their lives and the rest of their species from the astrophage.
From Ryland Grace trying to save his own life in space.
From Eva Stratt willing to sacrifice her life to save the lives of the other humans.
From the rest of the team willing to give up their lives for Project Hail Mary to save humanity.
From Rocky spending years in space alone trying to figure out how to save his species.
Everyone was fighting so hard to save themselves and save the people they cared about.
Everyone was fighting so hard.
It gives me strength to see people fight so hard, to see someone else also struggle to save themselves.
Why?</h2>
I'm struggling to find the words</a> to describe why this movie was so powerful to me.
Maybe it was this animatic that crystalized it for me
</iframe> </div>
The combination of The Cave</a> and Project Hail Mary was an excellent combination and it hit hard.
Maybe that's what this blog post is, just tying those two ideas together for myself.
Being able to share that animatic because it's excellent.
Sharing the fact that this movie just means a lot to me. Not just because it's an excellent movie but because it gave me hope.
Hoping that someone else will watch this movie and find the same sense of hope that I did.
Finding the strength to keep going, even when it seems hopeless.
Even when the odds are stacked against you.
Even when it seems like a hail mary to just keep going.
Even when you're alone and can't remember who you even are anymore.
Project Hail Mary means a lot to me, as a sci-fi nerd, as someone fighting desperately to save herself</a>, as someone who seems to be alone in a desperate fight.
It just means a lot to me and I wanted to share.

Sayuri: Thoughts on my favorite songs

2026-05-01T00:00:00+00:00

</iframe> </div>

"This is my debut song. It's not a song I made to cheer someone else up. It's a song I made to help me love myself. This me that's insufficient and lacking... it's a song I made so that I could accept myself. I didn't make it to cheer someone else up, but if this song--this video--becomes something you can draw strength from, I'd be happy. Here I go." </blockquote>
Her and I</h1>
I like to believe that Sayuri and I had the same motivations for making the things that we did.
To save ourselves</a>
To love ourselves.
To accept ourselves.
Not for anyone else's sake but our own.
A deeply selfish act of creation.
I love Sayuri's music, on a technical level, on a lyrical level, and ultimately on a very emotional level.
I wish I had the chance to connect with her.
Rest in peace Sayuri, you'll always be important to me, and your music got me through some very hard times.
Mikazuki</a></h1>
</iframe> </div>
Lyrics and translation</a>

As I am right now, I’m so useless and hopeless... </blockquote>
I felt this way for a very long time as well...

Nonetheless, I want someone to find me </blockquote>

I really wanna run away, but I can’t... </blockquote>

I can’t even imagine there being a bright future... </blockquote>

But y’know, nonetheless I want you to find me </blockquote>
This part reminds me of the past versions of myself.
Wanting to be saved.
Wanting to run away from myself but never escaping my own shadow.
Not being able to imagine a bright future for myself...

Nonetheless, I don’t want to lose to anyone </blockquote>
Not even to myself

I want to change the part of myself that searched for things I was lacking. </blockquote>
I want to change

I rise up through the sky like a butterfly </blockquote>

I fly with these insufficient wings, an ugly child of a star: a new moon. </blockquote>
It's so powerful...
. . .
Eyes mismatched in color</a></h1>
Lyrics and translation</a>
</iframe> </div>
This song got me through my early years of transition.
My reading of the lyrics, as a trans woman, is that it's about transition and accepting yourself.
Read the lyrics in this context and tell me that it can't be read as a song about being trans.
Much like Celeste, the song touches people of all kinds because it tells a deeply emotionally resonant story.
One of accepting and loving yourself.
I love this song deeply.
Here's some lyrics that stand out to me.

If there’s no way to change shape before we die, </blockquote>

We wish to just disappear... we wish to run away... </blockquote>
If there's no way I could become the version of me that I want to be... I would just wish I could disappear.

If things are going to be this painful, </blockquote>
If living is going to be this painful</a>

It’s hurting you again tonight, so until that blade becomes your wings, </blockquote>
Until your pain becomes your strength</a>

There's nothing wrong with how you were born </blockquote>
You were always a trans person</a>.

Your eyes are beautiful. Your name is beautiful. </blockquote>
You are beautiful just the way you are.
Just the way that you are.
In your transness, in your neurodivergence, in your struggles.
You are beautiful.

Let us go to see new scenery that only your eyes can find. </blockquote>
Your pain is your strength</a>, your uniqueness brings you the ability to write</a> and create things that only you can

Everything you’ve seen in your life has value. </blockquote>
The entire album</a> is amazing and you should check it out!</h2>

Repetition legitimizes

2026-04-30T00:00:00+00:00

Repetition legitimizes.
Any Adam Neely</a> fans in my readerbase?
Repeition legitimizes.
That's kinda why I write the way that I do.
In order to convey an idea properly, in order to teach something through writing</a>, you need to repeat yourself.
And in repeating yourself, you legitmize the idea that you're trying to convey.
Repeition legitimizes.
It's a simple lesson and a simple phrase, but it's very powerful.
You can do so much with this idea.
Become a better writer. Repeating yourself in your writing to better convey an idea
Become a better musician. Repeating your ideas to legitimize them as Adam describes
Become a better speaker. Repeating yourself in your speaking to drive home an idea
Become a better teacher. Repeaeting yourself in different ways to teach anyone anything.
Just remember, repetition of an idea legitimizes it, conveys it, teaches it, turns it from just some words into an idea.
Repetition legitimizes.

On writing and why I write

2026-04-29T00:00:00+00:00

“I am overwhelmed with things I ought to have written about and never found the proper words.” </blockquote>

― Virginia Woolf, The Diary of Virginia Woolf, Volume One: 1915-1919 </blockquote>
I think about this quote a lot.
I, too, am overwhelmed by this.
By the things I ought to have written about.
By the ideas that have been bouncing around in my head for days, months, years, decades.
But haven't found the right words for.
So I will write.
I will sit down and write about writing and what writing means to me.
Writing is teaching</h1>
Writing to me is the act of sitting down and explaining something.
I have an idea in my head that I want to convey to you, the reader.
How do I teach you about this idea that I want you to understand?
How do I teach you when I can't see you, can't see your reaction, can't listen to your questions?
Writing, to me, is about how I do this impossible act.
How I convey an idea through words alone.
Writing is teaching you about an idea that exists only in my head using only words on a page.
To teach is to understand fully</h1>
One thing any teacher of any level knows (or will learn very quickly) is that to be a good teacher, you have to understand the material.
You have to deeply understand the idea that you're trying to convey.
Because otherwise you can't convey the idea in the most clear terms.
So for me, to teach is to understand fully.
To understand in a way where you know the idea inside and out.
That's what it takes to be able to teach something.
And writing is teaching.
So, to write something is to fully understand the idea that you're trying to write about.
To crystalize for myself</h1>
This act of understanding something deeply for yourself is difficult.
Often times, when talking to therapists or writing these blog posts, I don't know what I'm saying until it comes out of my mouth or onto the page.
Yet I'm told over and over that I'm very eloquent in my speech and writing.
So that's not quite right, I know what I want to say, on some instinctual, subconscious level.
I just haven't found the right words for them yet.
While they're just bouncing around in my brain, I haven't found the words yet.
That's why I write.
I write to convey the ideas that I want to share, sure.
I write to teach people about myself, themselves, and the world they live in, sure.
But really, writing is a very selfish act for me.
Writing is about crystalizing the ideas that are in my brain into words.
About Finding the Words.
This project</h1>
Again, this project is about finding those words.
Finding the words that will save me.
An act of desperation to attempt to drag myself to a place of self-understanding and peace.
Finding the words that will save me.
Me trying to save myself</a>
That is why I write.
. . .
So begins Act 2 of Finding the Words

Fire: Our experience of Bipolar hypomania

2026-04-28T00:00:00+00:00

During one of the first times I experienced hypomania for real, past me decided to write it down.
So here is an excerpt from that journal entry.
It's quite long, bear with me. I felt like just copying my old writing directly was best to convey what it feels like to be in a hypomanic episode.
How it feels to be hypomanic.
Lily's experience of hypomania - circa Jan 2024</h2>
Fire
i i really want to make things artists talk about their creative inspiration as a fire a common metaphor i thought it was just that a common metaphor for something thats hard to describe but i really do think that fire is the best way the only way to describe that feeling that feeling that engulfed me on the way back from yvette's next fest concert + q/a that feeling of inspiration sitting on that subway filled with thoughts about the music i want to make the things i want to make the things i want to write the things i want to make to make to MAKE THE THINGS I WANT TO MAKE MY BRAIN SCREAMS AT ME TO GO TO GO GO GO GO GO it was overwhelming to say the least i wanted to shout or dance or do SOMETHING to let it all out a fire id inadvertently feeding for the last 24 years really really really fucking burst into flames tonight in the last few months i had what i was describing as intense mood swings but in reality i think this is just my adjustment period to becoming me again the upswings are just me experiencing what my life might be like when things get better and what happens on the upswings? i walk around i work and every every fucking second when im not focused on writing code or not getting hit by a car i think about the things i want to make once the giant tarp of depression and not understanding my weird autistic brain is taken away, the little embers underneath they they fucking ignite i have i have so much fuel piled up all around me and the days when i feel a person instead of a shell of one a spark will sometimes fly out and hit something and it IGNITES it bursts into flame and becomes something like <redacted project> i im really excited im really happy and really excited i have so many things i want to write about i want to make music so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad its consuming me its a fire burning inside me and if i dont let it do what it wants its going to burn me alive i work and i work and i get up to eat lunch and all i can think about is music art is something important to me and i love it so much i want to create so much its making me tear up i want to write i want to write i want to write but my hands hurt and im hungry and i have work i want to read i want to read i want to read aaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A FIRE INSIDE ME IM IN AWE AT IT WATCHING IT BURN INSIDE ME IS FILLING ME WITH BOTH ANXIETY AND JOY im im really happy for me im really scared for what the future of these endeavours will hold for me im really happy that im where i am today im really scared for what i may be tomorrow im filled with uncertainty because i dont know what ill feel tomorrow because its all so much im filled with excitement for tomorrow because its a whole new day and a new chance to experience more art and make new things and practice and learn and read and make and write and write and write and write and write and listen and listen and listen and listen and play music! gah! oh god! </code></pre>An analysis of my past self</h2> Looking back on this now I'm able to see so much that my past self just blew straight past. That my past me just wrote down blindly without thinking. That my past self wouldn't realize until months afterwards. Here are some of those things: MY BRAIN SCREAMS AT ME TO GO </blockquote> TO GO GO GO GO GO </blockquote> it was </blockquote> overwhelming to say the least </blockquote> Overwhelming drive and motivation. To the point that it becomes debilitating. in the last few months i had what i was describing as intense mood swings </blockquote> . . . </blockquote> the upswings are just me experiencing what my life might be like when things get better </blockquote> Mood swings, drastic upswings and downswings. Interpreting them as "just feeling better". and what happens on the upswings? </blockquote> i walk around </blockquote> i work </blockquote> and every </blockquote> every fucking second when im not focused on writing code or not getting hit by a car </blockquote> i think about the things i want to make </blockquote> Extreme amounts of motivation and making overly ambitious plans. once the giant tarp of depression and not understanding my weird autistic brain is taken away, the little embers underneath </blockquote> they </blockquote> they fucking ignite </blockquote> Post depression hypomania. Constant cycling between the two states. i </blockquote> im really excited </blockquote> im really happy and really excited </blockquote> Overwhelming joy and happiness. Overwhelming excitement i want to make music so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad </blockquote> its consuming me </blockquote> its a fire burning inside me and if i dont let it do what it wants its going to burn me alive </blockquote> Too much emotion to contain. Too much motivation. Too much of everything. Overwhelm aaaaaaaaaaaa </blockquote> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA </blockquote> A FIRE INSIDE ME </blockquote> IM IN AWE AT IT </blockquote> WATCHING IT BURN INSIDE ME IS FILLING ME WITH BOTH ANXIETY AND JOY </blockquote> Being filled to the brim with anxiety and joy. Overwhelm im </blockquote> im really happy for me </blockquote> im really scared for what the future of these endeavours will hold for me </blockquote> im really happy that im where i am today </blockquote> im really scared for what i may be tomorrow </blockquote> Complete instability over my mood. . . . Overwhelm</h2> A common theme across a lot of this journal entry is the feeling of being overwhelmed by emotion. In bipolar mania, the brain becomes so completely overwhelmed. When you're coming out of a deep depression, brain yearning for happy chemicals, how did it ever stand a chance. When you're overwhelmed by happy chemicals you become so fucking motivated. So fucking driven. So fucking happy. You feel on top of the world. You feel so so so so fucking good and happy and sociable and generous and great as a person! Everything is so great and you're finally not depressed and you're so happy! Until. Until the thoughts become too fast and you realize you can't stop. When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't sleep. When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't do anything but everything everywhere all at once. When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't stop thinking. When you realize you're overwhelmed and can't stop. Can't stop buying things. Can't stop doing risky things. Can't stop the anxious thoughts. Can't stop the thoughts in general. Can't stop going and going and going and going and going. Can't fucking stop. And that's the point where you maybe realize you might have a problem. Only maybe and only might. Because remember, you've overwhelmed with joy and happiness and motivation in a way that you haven't felt for months, maybe years while you were depressed. So you only maybe realize that this is a problem and that you need help. Only maybe. That's what hypomania feels like. . . . I'm currently experiencing a hypomanic episode (maybe? I'll know for sure in a few days but it sure feels like it). I got two hours of sleep last night and I'm still acting like I'm "driven by a motor". Unable to stop. Unable to stop. Unable to stop. I know that the next few days as I come down from this will be miserable. And those days will also be the most dangerous, the statistically highest likelihood of suicide.</a> I know. So I will keep myself safe. But this is what it's like to have hypomania. To have bipolar disorder.
No heroes, no saviors 2026-04-28T00:00:00+00:00 This is a 4am blog post. Raw emotions have been flowing for the last 2 hours. I have 2 hours of sleep. This is the most raw, unfiltered, and vulnerable thing I'll maybe ever write. Please be kind. . . . For a long time I've known that I have to save myself. There's no magic pills. There's no magic person. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. This has been a mantra of mine for the last few years. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. What it means to me</h1> I have</h2> I have OCD</a>. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a difficult condition that makes existing very difficult. OCD makes your mind a hostile place to life in, attacks everything that you stand for, and makes your life so miserable that you spend it compulsively trying to make the pain go away. OCD is extremely difficult to work through. . . . I have Bipolar Disorder type 2.</a> Bipolar Disorder is a difficult condition that makes existing very difficult. Bipolar makes life a roller coaster between blazing highs where I burn myself to a crisp, and crippling lows where I believe that there's no hope for me. Bipolar disorder is extremely difficult to work through. . . . I am autistic. Autism is a difficult condition that makes existing very difficult. Autism makes life a guessing game of how to not be hurt</a>. How to not be hurt by other people, whether that's directly by being taken advantage of or bullied, or indirectly by being rejected for who you are as a person. How to not get hurt by your environment, by the sounds, the smells, the bright lights of the world. Autism is extremely difficult to work through. . . . I have cPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult condition that makes existing very difficult. cPTSD makes your body feel perpetually unsafe</a> in a way that makes every moment feel like it might be your last. A constant state of nervous system activation that is so exhausting to experience. cPTSD is extremely difficult to work through. I needed</h2> I needed someone to make things better. Someone to save me. Someone to be there to catch me when I fell. Someone to put me back together when I broke. When my mind and my life broke me. But no one was there to save me. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. I thought medication would save me</h2> I thought as long as I was on the right meds it would save me. 9 years ago, when I first started on SSRIs, I thought that it would cure me. That I would be saved by those little pills. That everything would be okay once I took them. None of them worked. . . . 2 years ago I tried medication again, out of desperation. I thought, "I just need to be on them for a year or two and I'll stabilize and be able to come off of them" How silly of me, to think I would ever come off of psychiatric medication. Surprisingly, they did work. My medications do make my life easier. Quantifiably easier. Definitively easier. But they aren't a magic bullet. I still have days so difficult that I can't really describe them. Half of my conditions are untreatable by psychiatric medication, namely autism and cPTSD. Medication was not my savior. It helps but it isn't any savior. I have to save myself. I thought that therapy would save me</h2> When I first started therapy 9 years ago I thought it would save me. That these people I was paying so much money to go see would have the knowledge, the words, the experience that I would need. That they would be able to save me from the suffering I experienced every single day. I was let down by my first therapist. I was let down by my second therapist. I was let down by my university counsellor. I was traumatized by my next university counsellor. And so on. 9 years would pass before I found a therapist that could connect with me and truly be able to help my complex web of trauma and suffering. In those handful of sessions we made so much progress. In that moment, in one of my darkest months, she was there to pick me up and get me back on my feet. But she is no savior. After I left residential</a>, I had to leave her behind as well. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. . . . Therapists can only do so much. A therapist who specializes in OCD will know nothing about trans trauma. A queer therapist who specializes in queer trauma will have no idea how to deal with bipolar disorder. A bipolar specialist will have no idea how to deal with autism stressors. An autism expert will have no idea how to deal with intense OCD and its associated traumas. Therapists are only human and can only do so much. Finding a perfect therapist is something that I've given up hope on. Finding someone who understands those 4 conditions is already impossible enough, then to add on the cherries on top of more than one source of cPTSD trauma as well as plurality</a>, finding someone that can understand me is impossible. I've given up on finding that person. On finding someone who can give me CBT, DBT, IFS, ACT, EMDR, ERP. Someone who can competently practice in the 6 domains that I need, on 4 disorders that are extremely difficult to work through on their own. I've given on that. I use therapists as supports in the ways that they're able to support me. I've given up on finding a person who can fully support my every need. Actually, given up isn't the right term. I've found the person that will be my savior, who understands me fully, who is able to make my life better. I found the expert on me. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. . . . I have to save myself</h2> I've always known this, I just didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept that nothing was going to save me. Because the wall that stands before me is truly, truly, immense. A diamond wall that I just have to slowly chip at, one little piece at a time</a> I simply have to keep going</a>. No matter how tired I get. No matter how badly I just want to give up. I have to keep going. I will find escapes to cope</a>. I will find meaning in the struggle</a>, because otherwise I'd simply go insane. I will struggle</a>. I will struggle</a> and struggle</a> and struggle some more</a>. But I will keep going. Because I have to save myself. I simply have to keep going. Keep going. No heroes. No saviors. I simply have to save myself. This project</h1> That's ultimately what this project is. This project is me saving myself. Me finding the words that will save me. Me saving myself. If I save anyone else as a side effect of this, if any of my words touch someone and help them heal, then that'll be a good side benefit. But ultimately, this is a selfish project. This is me prioritizing myself. This is me saving myself. Remember. No heroes. No saviors. I have to save myself. I WILL save myself. . . . This concludes Act 1 of Finding the Words Stay safe out there. Misgendering, ignorance, and disrespect (Trans: 4) 2026-04-27T00:00:00+00:00 This is the 4th post in a series about trans experiences (previous</a>/next</a>) Misgendering - Lily</h2> Mistakes happen, yet In their careless words Splitting pain fills my being Going down a deep dark path Entering into that painful place Neverending darkness Denied my very sense of being Existence rejected, euphoria extinguished Ripped out of my heart In their careless words Nullifying words, numbing words Going to lose my mind Thoughts</h1> I'm sick and tired of those who misgender me or any other trans person. I don't care what the excuse is, no excuse is worth the pain that we go through because of it. There is no excuse, if you know someone's pronouns and fuck it up, you should be fully aware of the immense pain that it does to someone. There is no excuse. I don't fucking care what your excuse is. Read this and learn. Listen to us. Misgendering because of your careless words hurts us in a way that you can barely understand. So I will put it in the most plain terms possible. You are hurting us. Most trans people are just too fucking nice or too fucking traumatized by it to fight back in the moment. To convey to those around us how much it sucks to be misgendered. But I want you to read this and know exactly how bad it is. To remove any plausible deniability in your mind that this is something that's forgivable. Every misgendering is a scar upon my body. Every misgendering is a trauma I carry. It is not possible to claim to care about a trans person yet disrespect their most basic form of identity. To disrespect their basic identity in that way is to hurt them in a way that you can't understand. So Don't Fucking Do It You have the power to stop hurting us. Just put in the barest amount of fucking effort. No fucking excuses. . . . I am very angry tonight at life things so that's why this post came out so angry. I always intended to convey this message, just maybe not so angrily. But some things need anger to convey the right emotion and urgency. Sometimes anger is a productive emotion. . . . No one is free from blame for hurting trans people. I'm certainly not. I was bad about non-binary pronouns for a long time. But eventually I got it through my head. And now I'm trying to get it through your head as well. It hurts people when you misgender them. It hurts them deeply. Please try to understand. Please try to put in more effort to not hurt us. It's really not that hard It's really not that hard Neopronouns are not that hard. Transfem pronouns are not that hard. Transmasc pronouns are not that hard. No correct pronoun usage is that hard. It really isn't. So whenever anyone misgenders someone I just see a complete lack of care for the trans person. I see someone not willing to put in the basic fucking effort to not hurt this trans person. I see disrespect and ignorance at best, hate at worst. So read this and understand. Get it through your skull. Stop hurting us. Unsafe, perpetually (Trans: 3 | Trauma: 1) 2026-04-26T00:00:00+00:00 This is the 3rd post in a series about trans experiences (previous</a>/next</a>) and the 1st in a series about my trauma This is a heavy post. There are no answers, no happy ending.</h2> Proceed mindfully Much of my issues have been processed and I can write about them in an uplifting way, write about how things will be okay. My trauma is not one of those issues. This post does not have a happy ending. But hopefully this series will have one. I can only hope. Safety, the lack of it</h1> I never feel safe in my own body. I never feel safe in my own mind. I'm always tense. Always on edge. Always waiting for something to go wrong. For me to start feeling depressed. For me to be struck with anxiety. For me to be struck. I'm always tense. Always waiting for something to go wrong. Reasons</h1> Why do I feel like this? OCD</h2> Is it my OCD</a> that makes me feel like this? Unsafe in my own mind? Unsafe wherever I am? Is it because it fills my mind with every possible way that something could go wrong? Is it because it's afraid of dying so much that it makes me want to die? Is it because of the OCD? Neurochemistry</h2> Am I just genetically predisposed to feeling like this? Feeling perpetually unsafe? Perpetually unable to just rest? Perpetually analyzing, perpetually on edge, perpetually tense? Perpetually waiting for something to go wrong? Is that just my life? Trauma</h2> Is it because of what I've experienced in the past? Is it from growing up trans? Was I not always this way? Was I made to feel this way by others? This feeling of never feeling safe. Is this what it means for the body to keep the score? I don't know. I just know one thing. I want</h1> I want to feel safe... I want to be okay... I want to just be able to exist without being afraid... I want an escape</a> from this... I want to stop hurting... My hurt just goes on and on and on and on and I wish I could be free. Someone please set me free from this. I don't want to hold onto this anymore. Please. Someone save me... Unsafe - Lily</h2> Something flickers at the edge of my vision And I'm struck with a wave of anxiety Is it a person? Is it a threat? Is it something that's going to hurt me? My face snaps to the side Prepared to face whatever awaits me Alert, afraid, anxious It was just a lock of my hair in the wind I return to reality Just a little bit shaken Just a little bit more tired I am So Tired So tired of this all So tired of this torturous life I have to live </code></pre> I am so tired. "Keep going"</h1> I will keep going. But some days are so hard. Some days are so fucking hard. I can practice my ACT skills. I can practice my coping skills. But it still fucking hurts. It still hurts, constantly. And there just feels like there's no end in sight. Just hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt. I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying so hard. I have to try so hard just to stay alive. I have to try so hard every single day just to stay alive. To not go completely insane and lose everything. I have to try so hard every day of my life. And I'm just...so tired. Hurting others</h1> I hurt so bad. And then that hurts those who love me the most. They watch me hurt every day and it hurts them. So I get to suffer and also be the cause of other people's suffering. It just sucks so much. I hate this. I'm so tired. I want to live</h1> I want to live so bad but some days are just so hard so so so hard. Some days I just suffer and suffer and suffer and it makes me question if the life I love so much is even worth it. Some days I wonder if I can do this anymore. Some days are so hard. And I'm so tired. I will keep going. I will keep going. I will keep going. Tomorrow will be a better day I have to keep telling myself these things. Or else I'll completely lose hope. And lose everything. I have to keep going. Trauma cuddles (Trans: 2) 2026-04-25T00:00:00+00:00 This is the 2nd post in a series about trans experiences (previous</a>/next</a>) Transfeminine trauma is extremely difficult, yet every trans woman I've talked to holds onto some amount of it. Never the same, but often the same themes and, relevantly for this post, same desires for relief. We often want similar things for escapes, we have similar fantasies, we wish we could just be free from it. A case study: A tweet</h1> We want to feel safe...</h3> Because for a long time growing up, we were made to not feel safe in our bodies. We want to cuddle up with someone who can make us feel safe, safe in a way that we aren't in our own minds and bodies. Because The Body Keeps The Score and our traumas as carried along with us, whether we want them or not. We want someone to love us...</h3> Because true unconditional love is something almost none of us got. A lot of us hold onto the pain of having "unconditional" love be stripped away the moment our queerness manifested. An immense pain that we just wish so badly that we could be free from. Once you're hurt once like that, it's almost impossible to allow yourself to accept love in the same way again... Love feels foriegn. In the same way that our bodies become foriegn to us after our traumas. We need the space to just figure out how to Be...</h3> Because we were never given that space growing up. Space to just Be Ourselves. Authentically, honestly, vulnerably. We were hurt instead of given that opportunity. So we yearn for that space now. A case study: HDG</h1> What happens if you get a bunch of trans women in a room and ask them to create a sci-fi universe? Give them some foundation of aliens entering into the Solar System with a post-scarcity economy and infinite technology. What do you get? Some things are kinda funny, like them being big plant aliens. Some things are kinky, like the ability to safely explore any kink using special drugs. Some things are obvious, like drugs that make transition happen much more quickly. Surgery that is painless and quick to recover from. Body modification technology in general. But some still are deep, and point towards the kind of escape and yearning that some of us traumatized trans women so so so desire. The loving embrace of someone who we can hand our full selves to. Someone we can trust fully. Someone who can heal our wounds. So many HDG stories are about traumatized trans women healing from their wounds. About girls getting the warmth and safety that we so deeply desire in our daily lives. An excerpt from Five lives by PyxxieStyxx</h3> Hurt people read wish fufillment from other hurt people, and decide to write their own wish fufillment. I did this too, sketching out my own HDG stories that matched my own experiences, yearnings, kinks, and the kind of healing that I wanted to experience as someone who's been uniquely hurt. The kind of healing that I desperately need HDG really is precision laser targetted sci-fi for traumatized autistic trans women. And turns out there's enough of us (on ao3 anyway) to support a whole community. I saw this post on the subreddit and found it funny at first, before realizing that this struck a little too close to home. I was this person. I was reading for wish fufillment, seeing these hurt trans women in these stories be able to heal and become full versions of themselves. It was wish fufillment, it was yearning. It was me finding an escape. An escape from the pain that I've had to endure my whole life. Escape</h1> So many of us struggle with these things, but don't have loving supporting family or partners or whoever to give us that space for us to heal. So we fall into escapes. We fall into yearning when we see tweets like this. We fall into self harm or depression. We fall into alcohol or drugs. We slip through the cracks and we fall . . . In conclusion</h1> Hurt trans women are everywhere, you don't even need to try to find one in spaces with lots of trans women. It's quite telling that what we always yearning is just healing. Healing from the pain we've experienced. We just want to heal. We just want to heal. We just want to heal. If you have the chance to love a trans woman, please love her deeply and let her heal. Build us a space where we can heal. Let us heal. I have always been trans (Trans: 1) 2026-04-24T00:00:00+00:00 This is the 1st post in a series about trans experiences (next</a>) I have always been a trans woman I didn't grow up as a boy, as a man, or whatever society likes to label trans women as. I won't speak for anyone else's experience, but I know this for a fact. I have always been a trans woman. It's a fact that's so clear and obvious to me that I struggle to think of more words to say. Yet it seems like this is some kind of revolutionary idea to cis folks. I have always been a trans woman. From when I was born til now and until the day that I die. This wasn't something I grew into, nor developed over time. It just took a long time for me myself to realize that fact for myself. For me to find the words that would save me. I have always been a trans woman. Growing up</h1> I grew up as a trans girl. I was told I was too feminine. I was told I would grow out of it. I grew up knowing I was different, but not having the words to describe my experience. Do you understand? Can you understand? The concept of knowing that you are somehow different yet not having the fucking words to describe how you feel. Can you understand how painful that is? A deeply painful time of my life, loaded with confusion and pain. I have always been a trans woman. Even when I was a child and didn't know what those feelings meant. These experiences are, unfortunately, a core part of the trans experience. The closet</h1> When I was in grade 9 I learned what being trans was, and knew for certain that I was trans. I knew this for a fact deeply in my soul, but I didn't know what to do with that information. So for the next 5 years I would live in the closet. A deeply painful time of my life, loaded with confusion and pain. The closet is not an idle place that one sits within while waiting to grow out of it. It's a deeply painful place that is incredibly hard to escape. Every part of you is telling you that you should stay in that miserable place, hiding who you are for the sake of others or your own safety. But eventually something in you breaks and you snap and you decide to fuck all those who stand against you. You stand up for yourself and decide to do the thing that will make you happy. I have always been a trans woman. Even when I was in the closet and denying my own existence to myself. This is, again, a core part of the trans experience. Pain</h1> I don't like writing about how painful trans experiences are, because I am wary about the damage that it can cause our community. Venting is fine, but venting to a community puts a load upon everyone who reads it, which can cause individuals to internalize a lot of the pain they read. Ask me how I know... But I wanted to share this piece and this critical fact about myself. I have always been trans. All my pain and scars are evidence of such. That I know. All the pain and euphoria that I've experienced growing up is my symbol of my life as a trans woman. I have always been trans. That will never change. . . . No, this is not a phase Or a coming of age This will never change </code></pre> girl in red - girls</h3> Meditation, mindfulness, and the Brain Zoo 2026-04-23T00:00:00+00:00 The Brain Zoo - exurb1a</h1> </iframe> </div> Thoughts</h1> This was my introduction to the ideas of meditation and mindfulness. It was pretty instrumental (haha get it) in getting me to start practicing mindfulness in a way that works for me. It's not about sitting cross-legged with an incense stick up your ass, it's about observing your mind's thoughts and not letting it take over. ACT lens</h2> It lines up well with ACT's concepts of mindfulness, namely not letting yourself get confused and think that you're the thoughts (the band) instead of the audience. You are the observing self, not the thinking self. IFS lens</h2> Thinking about this video now makes me think about IFS and the parts that are talking in the back of my mind, chattering away with different thoughts and ideas and things I should do, good or bad. The brain zoo can be thought of as the different parts, though this is where ACT and IFS diverge. IFS posits that one should try to listen to and help soothe the parts that are maladaptive or lashing out, while ACT posits that one should let the negative/maladaptive thoughts pass through you. I don't think either lens really captures the full picture that I'm looking for when it comes to mindfulness and meditation. So what about a new lens, one of plurality? Plurality lens</h2> Different headmates seated around the headspace table</a>, all chattering away with their own thoughts and opinions on what we should be doing. Some are loud, some are very quiet, some don't speak, others are full of thoughts. Plurality posits that all headmates should be respected and be allowed to speak their thoughts. I think the approach here is to allow them all to speak their thoughts, but gently remind those who are hurting that they shouldn't let their hurt affect the system overall. Respect for all headmates and compassionate hand for those who are hurting. Maladaptive thoughts come from maladaptive headmates who are hurt and need time to heal. Act in a way that aligns with the goals of the system overall. The act of mindfulness and meditation is then about sitting in that headspace and listening in on how everyone's doing. Letting others talk through your voice. Meditation is then the process of letting your mind first empty by leaving the front, entering into headspace, then listening to what others have to say or letting others front to say what they want directly. Meditation becomes a channel to letting those thoughts express themselves rather than being passed through and released. Does this work? Is this a reasonable framework? Is this just IFS with a fresh layer of paint? Dunno. I should write about this more</a> 'I'm going to feel worse if I do that, so I won't'. An introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy 2026-04-23T00:00:00+00:00 A peer from residential said this and it really stuck with me: "I'm going to feel worse if I do that, so I won't" It was so simple yet so powerful, just don't do it if it's going to make yourself feel worse. So simple yet can be applied to so many things. What I've realized since then is that it ties into a therapy modality that I've been interested in for a long time but never had the chance to really dive into, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. But now I have a ton of free time and nothing else to do, so I've been working through this workbook</a> and it was nice to see so many random ideas that have been bouncing around in my head be validated in a published book. So let's talk ACT. The core problem</h1> There are 3 core problems with how our brain attempts to solve our mental struggles, which might explain why other therapy modalities might not work for you Controlling your thoughts and emotions is extremely difficult and impossible to maintain</li> Struggling against your thoughts just creates unnecessary suffering. You can't just avoid them</li> Becoming one with your thoughts and fusing with them also puts you at their mercy. You can't just mesh with them.</li> </ol> The six tenents</h1> There are 6 core ideas to ACT Defusion. You have to disconnect yourself from your thoughts. The core idea is breaking free from the thoughts that don't serve you.</li> The observing self. You are the observer of your thoughts, not your thoughts themselves</li> Acceptance. You have to become willing to accept negative and difficult emotions as they are. because pain is inevitable</a>. Difficult emotions are normal and expected parts of the human experience.</li> Mindfulness. Be aware in the present moment, rather than caught up in thoughts about the future or the past.</li> Values. Identify the values and goals that matter to you</li> Action. Act in a way that aligns with your values and goals</li> </ol> So accept that you will have difficult thoughts, defuse from them, observe them while being mindful, remind yourself of your values, then act in a way that aligns with them. The quote</h1> "I'm going to feel worse if I do that, so I won't" It's a simple idea but it really works, it aligns with a lot of the ACT ideas. It simplifies the commitment part of ACT into one simple quote, as well as being mindful about your emotions and being in tune with them. I'm going to feel worse if I ruminate those negative thoughts, so I won't I'm going to feel worse if I do that thing that feels comfortable but makes me feel worse, so I won't I'm going to feel worse in the long run if I don't act according to my values, so I won't I'm going to feel worse if I do that, so I won't. Simple, yet so powerful. Another simple quote</h1> Another simple affirmation to build out the full ACT package is "Pain is inevitable, and that's okay. Let it pass through you". The acceptance piece of ACT can be the hardest to come to terms with. But as the book outlines, it's not about wallowing in your own misery, but moreso about accepting that inevitably, hard things and hard thoughts will come. Don't fight against it, just accept that it's going to happen and learn how to let them flow through you rather than trying to "deal with it" or "make it go away" or just avoid it entirely. In conclusion</h1> Two simple quotes to capture the core tenents of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a therapy modality about accepting difficult emotions for what they are and committing to actions aligned with your values. Pain is inevitable, and that's okay. Let it pass through you. I'm going to feel worse if I do that, so I won't. It's a therapy modality that works much better for me than CBT and DBT, the classic two behavioral therapy modalities that focus on changing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. My thoughts always feel like immovable boulders. The idea of just flowing with the river rather than force myself to wade upstream just works much better for me. If this blog post sounded interesting to you, give ACT a try! The workbook</a> is excellent. Therapy is a journey and much like medication, it takes a long time to find one that works for you. Good luck out there. A description of a plural person's headspace 2026-04-23T00:00:00+00:00 Hi, Skye here! You know Skyblock in Minecraft? Our headspace is a skyblock-esque set of floating islands. Here's a short description of the rooms and how we built them. The Fronting Room</h2> An undecorated room with white walls and a study wooden table. At the table are wooden chairs with each headmate's name engraved upon it. At one head of the table sits Lily, on the other end sits Cedar. The others are sat around the rest of the lengths of the table. The seats represent fronting/co-fronting status, when one sits in their chair they are part of the front. This room was the first room we constructed in our headspace, and thus is the most simple and straightforward in it's construction and purpose. It's meant to give a visual representation of the system and who's fronting. It's just chairs and a table. Lotus sneaky sneaky chair stealing!</h3> Hai~ My name is Lotus! Skye is helping me type this! I like stealing Lily's chair :) She can't find it when I steal it so I can boop her out of the front by stealing her chair! It's very fun :D No one else wants to mess with Lily in that way because she has gatekeeper powers but hehe I can steal her chair whenever I want and she can't stop me. Sometimes I just go bai bai Lily and she goes baibai :D The Quiet Space</h2> A quiet space for the children to rest. All of the children yearn for gentle silence so that's what this room is. Fabric lined walls to absorb sound and bookshelves everywhere else. Soft seating and carpet. The Meadow</h2> A grassy meadow with a tree for us to sunbathe and rest in nature. We needed a space of nature in our headspace so we built this! The Rain Room</h2> A perpetually raining room with a small river. A melancholic blue room. Plays the Hollow Knight City of Tears OST</a>. Skye's dance room</h2> A room for me! A dance hall with mirrors and ribbons and everything that I need to dance and enjoy myself. The construction process</h1> We built out headspace iteratively, one by one we asked the members and found what kinds of rooms we wanted and built them out as needed. I'm sure we'll build out more islands as time passes, but this is what we've got right now. I guess I'm the one with the most insight into building out headspace? Creative director I guess. I like being able to sketch out this space and build something that's comfortable for everyone. Plurality and therapy 2026-04-23T00:00:00+00:00 This blog post spun off of this</a> blog post. Check that one out first.</h3> IFS is fascinating and a useful framework for exploring your "parts". But plurality is a much more powerful framework, powerful in the kinds of things that can be expressed, with less rigid rules and more free flowing boundaries. Plurality is not just a therapy framework, but an identity one can be. What follows are my random thoughts on therapy for plural folk, as well as how this framework can be more generally applied. Lots of spitballing and random ideas, take with a grain of salt. Headmates, not parts</h2> Plural folk feel quite strongly about referring to their headmates as "parts". That language can alienate headmates who front less often, or maybe don't front at all. They can feel minimized from whole people with their own personality, wants, and desires, down to just a "part" of the headmate who fronts the most. So the language of a "headmate" is more appropriate for most plural folk, we have other beings that we share a body and mind with, so they're mates in my head. Traits, not roles</h2> Firefighter, manager, exile. Those are the strict roles of IFS parts. Plural experiences are much more varied, no two systems are alike in their headmates and systems. System dynamics, personalities of headmates, common duties/roles of headmates. These things all vary wildly but have somewhat been documented on Pluralpedia</a> These traits can form a common ground for talking about plural systems. Many of us have littles, a gatekeeper, a protector, emotion holders, a caretaker. This cornucopia of terms is useful for understanding ourselves and understanding each other. Terms and labels are powerful, and having a wide breadth of terms allows us to use them to understand ourselves and map out our systems. Blanket terms like firefighter, manager, exile are useful but only as general references for mapping out headmates, they give a starting point but not a be-all-end-all definition for them. Fragmented Self. Golden orb</h2> IFS also has the concept of Self, an indestructible manager part that heals the other parts. IFS emphasizes acting "within Self" rather than "within a part". Again, this alienates a lot of plural folk, who reject any kind of strict hierarchy within their systems. Such an idea of hierarchy is very against the core idea of plurality that headmates should be respected as autonomous beings. Yet, plural folk can demonstrate all of the 8 Cs of Self, so how do we make sense of it? My personal view is that the "Self" described by IFS can be explained by one of two theories The healing, pure "Self" is split across the headmates</li> The healing, pure "Self" is an object that can be passed between headmates</li> </ol> Theory 1: Fragmented Self</h3> Quite simple, each headmate holds a portion of Self, and when the headmates work together for the system's long term goals does the system display the 8 Cs. Not sure if I like this theory, because it implies that headmates are somehow not "complete" without each other, which may be true for my system but may be a very negative idea for others. Again, I'm just spitballing Theory 2: Golden orb</h3> "Self" is a golden orb that can be passed between headmates, and when it's being held by a fronter does the system display the 8 Cs. It's a nice visualization of Self that feels less hostile to me as a system, so I like it. I'm not sure if it holds any water though. Anyway. Fronting, balance, respect</h2> Fronting is the act of allowing another headmate to control the body that we all share. Finding a balance between fronting headmates and respecting the other headmates (and the system as a whole) is a core idea in every (I assume?) system. Balancing who gets to use the body we share and under what situations. Respecting each headmates wants and desires with the shared body. Both are critically important to plural identities, but isn't at all explored in IFS. Yet it's quite important for the following reason: Allowing thoughts to surface</h2> Allowing others to front allows new thoughts to surface. Different headmates often hold onto different emotions, ideas, thoughts, and feelings that the primary fronter of a system might not experience or be aware of. So integrating an idea of healthy respect and balance is, in our minds, a critical part of a well-functioning system. It helps us figure out a lot of stuff that we just struggled with in the past, as well as just generally making us a lot happier. Plurality works for us. And maybe it could work for others more generally? An identity, a way of living, a beautiful form of self-expression</h2> IFS is a therapy model that helps people learn and deal with emotions/experiences/trauma that they struggle with Plurality is not that. Plurality is an identity, a way of living. Plurality is our way of expressing ourselves in a way that feels authentic and right. To say that plurality is "just IFS" or "just a form of therapy" would be lessening our experience. So for plurality to be integrated into a therapy modality would involve requesting that the client embrace plurality as an identity in their day to day life, not just as a method in the therapists office. That might be a difficult pill to swallow, but for some people this identity shift might just be what they need to figure out themselves. That's what it was for us, it was a missing piece to feeling complete. Additional reading</h1> Beyond IFS: Inner Work that Works for Plural Systems</a></li> </ul> Appendix: Is everyone plural?</h1> (Author of this section: Lily) Many minds, one self</a> and IFS therapy both posit that everyone has these parts. Plural folk push back quite hard against this idea, that endogenic and traumagenic systems are "different" from others in some way. I don't know. I'm also trans and I know that my trans-ness was something inherent to my being, something that not everyone experiences. Same with my autism. I'm sure that not everyone shares my experience in those aspects But my systemhood? My plurality? That I'm less sure. So I hesitate to weigh in on this one way or another. Is everyone able to identify as plural? Is it something you can just "opt into"? I'm not sure. Does me even proposing this lessen the experience/struggles of other systems? Maybe...but I hope I'm not making anyone upset. I'm just not sure and all I have is my experience within Terra. Compared: To others, by others, by myself 2026-04-22T00:00:00+00:00 Comparison is the thief of joy I wanted to write about my experiences of comparison. Myself being compared to others by others, me comparing myself to others, and me comparing to myself. Compared to others</h1> I don't struggle too much with comparison to others in the usual aspects. I don't worry too much about my academic or career progress, because I find myself successful in by own metrics. Others do good things and they make me push myself to match them, a healthy comparison. It pushes me to want to do better, which is a good thing! Where my comparison to others gets unhealthy is when I compare my mental health to others. I see that I struggle so much so much while others just don't. Not in the way that I do, at least on the surface. They don't take weeks off to spend in residential or the hospital. They don't have mental breakdowns every year. They haven't suffered through a life of growing up being autistic and trans and neurotic. They aren't the same as me. They haven't had to suffer like I have. This comparison is unhealthy. It makes me mad. It makes me frustrated. It makes me wish that I had their lives instead of mine. It makes me wish I didn't have to exist in this broken brain. So yeah, unhealthy. Compared by others</h1> Yet at the same time, I'm seen as a golden person by my peers and my family. Someone will meet me for 5 minutes and declare that I'm "the smartest person they've ever met". People will look at my grades and declare that I'm just "better than them". People will notice that I work for the company that I do and declare that "I could never be as smart as you". I hate it when this happens. I hate it when I get used as a benchmark for other people. I know they mean well, and that they're trying to compliment me, but god does it suck to be nothing but a measuring stick. Something about it just sets me off in the wrong way. I hate it when other people compare themselves to me. Just don't do it. You're plenty smart and successful and great. Why are you making yourself feel worse by comparing yourself to my life. Why are you making yourself feel resentful by comparing yourself to me. Why do you build up that resentment until you cut me out of your life. Why do you do this to yourself? Do you know what it feels like to be on the other side of that conversation??? IT SUCKS Compared by myself to myself</h1> The hardest form of comparison that I struggle with is comparison to myself. A Lily & Nettle conversation happened while writing this blog post, so that's what follows. Nettle is the inner critic headmate in our system. -Cedar You used to be able to do this She runs through my mind constantly You should be able to do this. You used to be able to She never lets me rest. You should be doing more. Look at all the things you used to do Any break is wrong, any rest is wrong, anything but working harder is wrong. You used to be so healthy. Look at you now. Any breakdown is my fault. Any mental spirals are my fault. I used to be able to do all these things, and now I'm depressed and broken and unable to do anything. This is all your fault This is all my fault. . . . Okay enough of that Snap out of it Lily I am trying my best Yes you are I am always trying my best And you do so well I am worthy of love and care I am able to rest I am able to take time for myself I am doing my best I am doing my best I am doing my best . . . More than any comparison with other people, my inner critic comparing me to my past is a great thief of joy for me. Perhaps it is for you too. But remember that you are always trying your best, and your past successes just mean that you will rise up to that level once again. It's healthy to want to do the best you can, just don't let comparison to anyone, including yourself, hold you down. Don't hesitate - Joy is not meant to be a crumb 2026-04-22T00:00:00+00:00 Don't hesitate - Mary Oliver</h2> If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb. </code></pre> Thoughts</h1> I love this poem a lot. I've lived a life of doing the opposite. Of embracing sadness. Of grasping onto sadness with both hands Of being addicted to feeling bad</a> Of holding onto anxious love</a> But this poem reminds me to not do that. To embrace the moments of joy that I feel. To not hesitate to give into the strange feeling of joy. Like the poem says, it could be anything. I get sparks of joy from the strangest things. A funny house. A breeze. A smile from a stranger. A message from a loved one. A moment of clarity in the storm that is my brain. It's fleeting, it's hard to grasp, but I try my best. After all, joy is not made to be a mere crumb, it's made to be a plentiful feast that you share with your loved ones. ACT thoughts</h2> I've been reading this ACT workbook</a> and one point that it shares is that our brain is hardwired to think in negative patterns. It keeps us safe. It's an evolutionary trait that we evolved to keep us safe from predators and other dangers. Our brains are hard-wired to be afraid of when the good times might end. So I choose to fight back against my brain. To embrace joy when I feel it. Grasp it with both hands. Don't be afraid of it. Grasp it with both hands. Don't let your brain rob you of this moment. Grasp it with both hands. Desperately fight for your moments of joy. Tend to your garden of little joys. Embrace it. Don't hesitate. Joy is not made to be a crumb. Writing brings me joy</h2> Joy - Lily</h3> Joy is a paradox A mystery I've yet to solve A question left unanswered Joy is fleeting Like a rabbit in the snow It darts out of my grasp Joy is warm sunshine Rays on my skin Ever so warm Joy is love Is passion Is that burning fire in the soul Joy is light, yet heavy Joy is soft, yet sturdy Joy prevails, but fleeting Joy is, but sometimes isn't But I know one thing about joy That it's just meant to be </code></pre> Painting brings me joy</h2> Drowning in shame 2026-04-21T00:00:00+00:00 You should read my OCD post</a> before this one. Trigger warning</h1> Lots of writing about shame and self-hate is to follow. Proceed mindfully. Part of this post is me reliving the worst of my experiences and sharing them on the internet. I have healed since so don't worry about me, worry about how you might react to this writing. Because we are bad</h1> Because We Are Bad</a> is a memoir by Lily Bailey about her experience of OCD. Honestly give it a read, it's one of my favorite books. It taught me a lot of what I know about OCD, and was what made me realize that I had OCD. Her raw honestly in her writing about her experiences really drove home that, without a doubt, I have OCD. Her obsessions and mine have a lot of overlap, while our compulsions differ I can still relate a lot to her experiences. I want to focus on one of them, the title of the book. Because We Are Bad. It serves as the title as well as an explanation to Bailey about why she has to do the things that she does. She must have killed someone with her thoughts, she must have been in the wrong, she must perfect her behavior. Because she knew she was bad. In that exact same vein, I thought for a very long time that I was also inherently evil and bad. Lily is bad. Lily is a liar. Lily is a terrible person. I lived in shame</h1> This section refers to a younger version of myself, a version of me which I wish to share and process by writing. I live like this. I know that I'm a bad person and that everyone is just waiting for a reason to start hating me. I know that I'm a liar, and that I lie compulsively without even thinking to everyone that I talk to. I know that I'm a terrible person: a racist, a pedophile, a freak. I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I know these things for fact. And there's nothing I can do about them. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. I should isolate myself so I don't hurt anyone. I should just disappear. My mom is right, I'm a liar and everything that I say is a lie. My peers are right for isolating me and not talking to me, I would just hurt them. Because I am bad. I'm just a bad person, simple as that </code></pre> Repairing myself, piece by piece</h1> It's not like one day I just stopped believing that I was a bad person. That I unlearned the idea that I was a liar overnight. It took a lot of effort, thinking, and, most importantly, time. Time experiencing joy, times when friends would encourage me, times when I knew I was speaking in truth. Time passed, and eventually I started to get better. I made friends and lovers and stopped believing that I was a horrible person that no one wanted to be around. This happened slowly over the course of a decade. I connected with people and started to believe that I had words worth sharing, and that my words were worth something. I was so brutally honest that I couldn't lie to myself anymore and tell myself that I was a liar. This happened over two decades. Years and years passed before I slowly started to repair my self worth. I started to believe that I wasn't a bad person. Slowly. Piece by piece by piece. I was worth nothing, then worth something, then worth little by little more. Until one day I woke up and realized that I liked myself. It was a revolutionary idea at the time, that I could like myself. I liked myself. I was able to tell myself that I was a good person. I am a good person. I am a good person. I am a good person. I am worthy of love and care. I am worth it. From my loved ones, from strangers, from friends, and most importantly, from myself. This was a huge change for me, but it happened slowly, over a long period of time. I got there eventually. To my younger self</h1> If you're reading this, deep in a pit of self-hate, I want to encourage you with the fact that one day, you'll wake up and feel the same way that I do. You won't hate yourself. Not every day, some days will still be bad. I still have days when I wake up and hate myself and feel like I'm just an inherently bad person. But I know that feeling will pass, that a few days later I'll wake up and everything will be okay. I'll wake up and know that I'm a good person. Someone worthy of love and care. You'll get there one day, I believe in you. I love you. Good luck out there. Alien blood 2026-04-20T00:00:00+00:00 This is a blog post about a comic posted by an artist I really like. The post by flyingfrappe</a></h1> My thoughts</h1> When I first read this comic a few years ago, I cried and cried and cried. I felt seen in a way that I never felt before. Seen by a fellow sufferer. Someone else who's masked and hid themselves away to hide from the pain for so long that they lost sight of who they were. Pain connects us, our suffering is our shared strength. Bleeding a substance that isn't quite human</h2> I bleed. Constantly. From my ears, when the sounds of the world become too much. From my nose, when someone eats a food I can't handle, when the smells become too much to process. From my heart, when someone makes a rude remark about my behavior. From my brain, when it starts to spiral down, down, down. I bleed, I bleed, I bleed. I masked so well for so long, but I would break every year. Fall apart completely. Autistic burnout. Bipolar depression. The medical terms don't quite capture it, but the image of bleeding alien blood does. Bleeding something that no one else suffers from. Bleeding something unfamiliar, unknown, unknowable. Bleeding a substance that isn't quite human. Changing, bleeding anyway</h2> I changed too. I did all the right things. I graduated, got a job, moved out. Success on all metrics, amazing grades, an amazing job, excelling in all aspects. Everything except feeling human. Failing at just being a person. Unable to be more than an empty shell. Unable to just be a person, to stop bleeding alien blood Living asleep, parts of a person, broken</h2> I split into pieces. Fragments of a past selves that puppet around the being that's known as Lily. For a long time I thought that I just wasn't meant to exist in this world. That I just wasn't meant to live. That I was just meant to live a broken life until I took it with my own hands. To break and destroy the torturous life that I had to live. I was... so tired. But I choose to grow</h2> My garden is barren Stripped bare by the storms of life A desolate wasteland One of my own creation But today I choose to plant To plant the seeds that I've denied myself To plant the parts of me that I've never wanted I hold them Their rough exterior Their hurt Their pain I hold them and gently place them into the soil For them to grow into a garden of thorns Of roses and beauty, of thorns and pain My strength and my beauty, my suffering and my pain </code></pre> Growing my garden of thorns - Lily</h3> Anxious love 2026-04-20T00:00:00+00:00 For a long time, I felt that to love someone was to worry about it. To be anxious about if they loved me still. To be anxious whether or not they had started to hate me. This happened for a long time, until one day, it didn't anymore. First loves are hard</h1> My first love was J, in high school. We started dating in the summer between grade 10 and 11 and it was a dream come true. I never thought that I would meet someone who would accept me for who I was, at this point knowing that I was very weird and something was wrong with me (autism), as well as being trans (she was bi). I never thought that I'd have anyone who would ever accept me for who I was, because at this point no one ever had. I felt isolated from my parents and peers and this was my one chance at closeness. I thought that this was my one and only chance at love. And because this was my only chance, I couldn't mess it up. I couldn't mess it up. I had to make sure I didn't lose my one shot. She was perfect and I was so undesirable that I could not, could not, mess this up. So. Of course, I messed it up. I asked for reassurances too much, and more importantly we were two stupid highschoolers who were trying to experience love for the first time and it just didn't work out as most highschool loves do. For me, this was devastating because my one shot was gone. That was it, no one would ever love me ever again. First love, once again</h1> Of course, I didn't fall out of love with J. I loved her so deeply because I thought she was my one chance and that I had to try to win her back because I had no other options. Also of course she's a cool person and in hindsight, not a bad choice for someone to be hopelessly in love with for years and years. She was and still is a good person, in fact we're still good friends, despite everything. But should I have stayed in love with her for years afterwards? Probably not. But anyway she clearly also wanted to give it another shot so we attempted a FWB relationship in university, and we quickly fell back in love with each other. So we had a messy relationship as we both fought through our depression and stress from school, and of course I hadn't changed so I tried to be perfect and never, never, make any mistakes. Intense co-dependence followed. Any perceived mistakes sent me into spirals of anxiety until I asked for reassurances, the classic OCD experience that I had experienced for years, just intensified through the perception that this was my only shot. My one shot at love. Of course. We broke up again, this time due to my over-reliance on her and the unhealthy co-dependent relationship that we had developed between us. This time I was even more devastated. This time it was entirely my fault. I was too dependent. I was too depressed and too anxious. It was my fault. My mental health was what ruined my one chance at love. I ruined it. But I could fix it, I had to because she was my one chance at love... First love, one more time</h1> Years passed, and she moved on to new relationships. I, however, was still stuck on her. I entered into a state of relationship anorexia where I refused to form connections with anyone else due to being attached to her. I'm asexual and was happy loving her from a distance as a friend. I was happy. I was happy just being her best friend and hanging out occasionally. I would be overwhelmed with the desire to just see her sometimes, but that wasn't that bad. All in all, it wasn't that bad. Which probably explains why I stayed in that state for another few years. The entire time, hoping she would just turn around and decide that she still loved me and wanted to try again. I worked hard on my mental health so that I would be ready for a relationship if she ever gave me a chance. I worked so hard on myself during those few years, motivated by a desire to improve myself and a chance again at J. Was this healthy? Did I miss out on other opportunities during those years? Probably. Not for a lack of trying, I went to sapphic meetups at university, made new friends, and had the lovely experience of having fantasies about every girl who showed me any kind of attention. I tried to get over J, but part of me was stuck on the idea that she was my only chance at someone who would truly love me for who I was. I was so broken, so unlovable, that no one could possibly, no one would possibly ever love me. This continued until we both graduated university and moved out of our hometown. Shot through the heart!</h1> During a competition I was attending, I was hit on by E. E was very nice, and very clear in her desire for us to hang out and have some fun. We ended up cuddling, exchanging contact information, and sharing a chaste kiss by the end of the competition. We were going to meet each other again at the next conference that we were both attending a week later, so we ended up making plans. Plans to fool around and have some fun. In my mind, I knew that this was just a bit of fun, a little sexual adventure for my inexperienced self. Of course, when we laid in bed, and she told me I was perfect just the way I was, I broke down. I had never heard anyone say those words to me before, not from J, not from my parents, not from my friends, not from anyone. I had hurt so much for so long, not being able to love myself, that this reverberated in my soul. Of course, I hopelessly fell in love with E in that moment. Perhpas I should take a note from the book and refer to my love as "love". Not quite real but just a manifestation of my addiction and intense desire for any kind of connection. Perhaps. But anyway I was hopelessly in love with E, but this was easier for me to let go of because I knew she lived across the world and we were probably never going to interact ever again. But still, what she said planted a seed within me that would form the foundation of my next relationship. Stumbling, moving forward, blossoming</h1> After a short lived crush on a friend, I decided to start my adventure into dating apps. I was ready to find someone new who would love me for who I was, so my profile was very outright. "I am a trans lesbian, autistic and neurotic as fuck." I set out the bait of some cute photos and waited for a catch. I went on a few dates, most of them unmemorable. One hurt quite a bit, when she told me "I'm just coming off a break up, so 'you know...'". The fuck was that supposed to mean? Anyway. Then I met June. I'll keep it nice and short, but she made me feel loved, truly loved, in a way that was so healthy and good. She loved me and we were able to just exist together in such harmony and love. She showed me that I wasn't broken, that I was loveable, that I was someone deserving of such love. She showed me so much that I'll never forget. I just wish I was able to love her back in the way that she loved me, that I hadn't just lied to myself that I was in love with this person. When I realized the lies I was telling myself, I did the right thing and broke up with her. Healing</h1> Over my relationship with June, I like to think that I've healed quite a bit. I learned that I could be loved and didn't have to hold on so tight to the relationships that I had. I could let them go and believe that I could be, would be, loved in the ways that I wanted. And now I carry that into my future relationships. Hopefully. The Cave, finding strength in pain 2026-04-20T00:00:00+00:00 Mumford & Sons - The Cave</h2> </iframe> </div> Thoughts</h1> But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again </code></pre> I really like this song, it captures some ideas that I've been trying to hold onto for a long time now. Ideas of having hope. Not choking around the noose that seems to perpetually be around my neck. Most importantly, finding strength in the pain. I saw a tattoo the other day on a girl's arm and it said, To have pain is inevitable. I really relate to these a lot. Finding meaning in the pain that I've suffered through is something important to me. Finding meaning in the bipolar depressions that I've suffered through over and over and over again. Finding meaning in the suffering I've gone through being trans. To live is to experience pain, pain is inevitable. But my strength comes from the pain I've experienced. The words I'm able to share come from the pain I've experienced. My strength comes from my pain. My strength comes from my past. My strength comes from the suffering I've experienced. My strength comes from my pain. My words and insight and ability to connect with others comes from my self and my experiences. My strength comes from my pain. My euphoria shines like a light upon the scars I've experienced throughout my transition. There is meaning behind the suffering I've experienced. The Cave - Lily</h2> Broken, shattered, a damaged soul A noose around my neck Ruined by the life I've been forced to live Living in a cave of misery Until the day I choose to step forward I step out of that dreadful place Into the shining light My cracks, they glow My wounds, they scar That which I feared, I embrace That which I despised, becomes my strength I call out for myself A shout onto the open seas I say, I declare, I shout out into the world "My pain will become my strength and pain is inevitable. From this I find meaning in my suffering" </code></pre> Fate sends a Dragon during a meeting 2026-04-19T00:00:00+00:00 During a meeting, two of the topics were surrender and giving up control to your Higher Power. During said meeting I spoke about my experience with that and Step 1 1.) We admitted we were powerless over depression – that our lives had become unmanageable. </code></pre> I struggle a lot with accepting this idea, that I could not control my depression and that I had to surrender control over to my Higher Power, the power of The Fates. I always strongly believed that I am in control of my own life, that I am in control and can control all aspects of my life. But I know that my self control is taken away when I spiral into depression. I also know that my control has led me to make myself spiral and feel worse and worse in my own depression. I'm starting to believe that my self control over my own life is in some way, harmful for my recovery. Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe. I wanted a message from my higher power, so I reached for my Wild Elemental oracle deck. And I drew a card: Dragon Protector A very powerful messenger, the Dragon appears when major life changes are happening or about to happen. He is with you as a reminder that you have the power to get through these changes! You are being shown that though these changes or situation may seem overwhleming and life-altering, it is a catalyst for major spiritual growth. It is not often that this amount of power enters your life at the same time as transformational changes. Harness and make the most of it! </code></pre> Damn... I guess a powerful messenger of a goddamn Dragon coming into my life at the moment when I'm questionoing my willingness to surrender to The Fates is one hell of a symbol. Another shot from my higher power I guess. I will work towards giving up control and surrendering. Being vs doing</h1> I'm a do-er. I always do when I'm presented with a situation. I do and do and do some more whenever I'm scared or threatened or in a bad position. My therapist suggested that I work towards being, just being in a situation and existing in the feelings that I'm experiencing. Again, that idea of surrender. Again, another series of coincdences that I can't explain. Me deciding to attend this first meeting of mine, people suggesting those two topics during meeting, my therapist talking about it, and finally me pulling that Dragon. My higher power looking out for me? Or just a series of coincidences that I can't explain. Somehow, things keep working out for me. As I write this, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that intense spiritual changes are coming my way, and that Dragon is the Fates sending me their power. Their belief that I can get through this and surrender control over to them. Can I do it? Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe. Weird addictions (Depression: 1) 2026-04-18T00:00:00+00:00 This is part 1 of a series of posts about my depression and addictive experiences. More to come. Bipolar depression sucks. For the last 9 years I've experienced one (or more) depressive cycles each year, falling into a deep depression. I would go from struggling to keep up with my school/work, to taking time off to rest, to feeling worse and worse, to suicidal ideation, until finally to recovery/treatment. This cycle was extremely consistent and it sucked every single time it happened. I hated it. But at the same time, each time I recovered, there was a nagging thought at the back of my mind. It said: I did this to myself My therapists would say "No of course not! You didn't do it to yourself! Don't blame yourself for your depression." And I believed them, believed that I was not doing this to myself, that I wasn't somehow benefiting from my depressive cycles. That Lily didn't, on some level, enjoy being depressed. Bipolar depression sucks. But... Addict - Lily</h3> A coughing child, sick, ill. She gets babied, nurtured, cared for. A lost girl, her head pounds and so she receives love and care. Love and care that she so desperately needs. A young woman learns that sadness and fear are her sword and shield against the fierce storms of life. A mask of pain, begins to meld with her face. Until she realizes she can't take it off nor does she want to "Hurt", the mask whispers "Suffer" "And you will receive what you so desperately need". And so she drinks in deep the mask's lies. Swallowing the black ooze, dragging her ever deeper into the pitch black abyss. Embracing that familiar pain, deep into her chest. She gets slivers of joy, moments of love, at the cost of a lifetime of pain. Until she eventually finally, at long last, drowns. </code></pre> Drowning</h1> For the last 9 years, I've been drowning. Falling deeper and deeper into sadness and misery. And I hated it. But part of me enjoyed it. Enjoyed the love and support I always received. From my friends, from my loved ones, from my family. I enjoyed the break I would get from life: school terms taken off or work leave. A relief from the overwhelming stress that made up my day to day. Living as an autistic person is hard. Day by day, I get chipped away by the storms of life. And at some point I crack, and I crack open that black bottle. Black bottle - Lily</h3> i take another swig from that black bottle tonight i drink in deep the depths of my misery i let it pull me down, down, down further into the abyss i take another swig of sadness a chaser of depression an appetizer of self harm a dessert of misery i drink it in deep the depths of my misery it pulls me down, down, down to the depths i so crave deep deep down i look up from the depths and the sky looks so small so small from the bottom of the well a single feather lands on my head a single shining symbol one of hope, one of life from the depths i rise i shed the bottle i abandon my misery and i rise i change and i blossom into the me that i want to be i want to change i can change i will change i want to live i can live i will live </code></pre> Steps forward, twelve of them</h1> But to move forward is so hard Living wrongly - Lily</h3> Sinking Into familiar depths Sinking, festering Scratching familiar wounds Staring at the setting sun From the confines of my bed The loving embrace of abuse by my own mind The well worn path of depression and obsession The comfort of the usual pain From the depths The sky seems so small Yet I find solace In the rock beneath me A breath of water under crushing depths The relief of familiar water racing into my lungs It's what I know What I understand Thriving like a dying malnourished plant Living like a soulless husk Choosing anything else Feels Wrong </code></pre> My therapist told me, our brains are hardwired to embrace what's familiar, even if it doesn't serve us. That unfamiliar healing can be almost impossible to reach for over familiar pain. But I refuse to let my life be ruined every year. To let my suffering pull me down to the brink of death every single year. I simply refuse. April 9th is my sobriety date. My sobriety from depression. The day I realized I had a depression addiction problem. I refuse to let it pull me down again. I refuse to allow it to pull my down again. Bad times will come, stress will overwhelm me, and that black bottle will always be there. Always tempting me. Always telling me that just a little bit wouldn't hurt, just a little bit of sadness and despair and hopelessness is "fine". It tells me that I would get so much love and attention and care and rest if I just drank from it. But I refuse. No more. I'm taking concrete steps forward, and I refuse to take one backwards. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. I am stronger than my addiction. I got this. I will take steps forward, just twelve at first, but eventually one by one by one I will step forward. Into a new life, one free from depressive spirals and work leave and hospitals and residentials. I will be free. There is hope. Resources</h1> https://depressedanonymous.org/</a></li> </ul> Mysterious Fates 2026-04-17T00:00:00+00:00 Agnostic</h1> For most of my life I've identified as agnostic. Identified as not believing in any higher power. I believed, and still believe, that there is no life after death. Death destroys your brain and your consciousness and so death is the end of "you". None of that has changed. But I do now believe in there being a Higher Power. Something beyond just our human comprehension. Something more than just us. What led to that? Luck</h1> I've always believed myself to be a lucky person. Very lucky in fact. I've also always known that I was unlucky, but lucky in my unluckiness. Fortune in misfortune. I was born intelligent and skilled in ways that would lead me to success. Lucky I was born anxious and succeptible to depression. I struggled with OCD in some of my earliest memories. Unlucky I was born in the wrong sex and it took me 21 years to build myself a body that felt comfortable to be in. Unlucky I get to wake up to a body that makes me happy in a way that can't be described. I get to feel euphoria in a way that cis people just can't. Lucky My dad died at a young age, when in my early 20s. He never got to see me graduate university, get my first job, move out, or anything that I'll experience afterwards. I mourn his death every day. He contracted terminal lung cancer and we had no warning, it just happened. Extremely unlucky He lived for a few months after his diagnosis and we got to spend a few months acclimating, coming to terms with his impending death, and saying our goodbyes. I feel blessed that I had that opportunity. Extremely lucky I was born to a loving family, one that truly cared about me, despite my queerness and neurodivergence. Even if they made mistakes, they always loved and cared for me. Lucky I was born to a family that led me to be traumatized and eventually plural, with broken parts that now need to be healed. Unlucky Lucky in my unluckiness. Fortune in my misfortune. Always But I never saw it as more than that, just being lucky in my unlucky moments. Optimism</h1> I was always told that this mindset was very healthy and optimistic. Told that it was very healthy that I could always see the positives in my struggles and misfortunes. To be able to say that I was "lucky in my unluckiness". That's how I kept it for a long time, just a healthy mindset that I should carry on to. I am very lucky. Even when bad things happen, I can see the luck that I experienced. God shot</h1> One day I experienced something that I could not explain. Something that could not simply be explained as a Lucky Moment. Exactly one year after my dad passed I stepped off a plane in Japan and turned off airplane mode and was greeted with this My dad's full name. As a wifi. The moment I stepped off the plane and thought of him, there he was. Exactly one year after he passed. A shot that rang through my very soul. I couldn't explain it. I didn't tell many people about this. I couldn't explain it and I was scared of what it meant. I couldn't explain it It was a shot from the dark from my Higher Power and it hit me square in the chest. Ripples</h1> After that day, I kept the idea neatly tucked away in my mind. That there might be something more than us out there. Until I went to residential and a series of events occured. A therapist ran a group for the first time, one on substance abuse. Said therapist got me to realize I had a marijuana problem, a maladaptive coping mechanism. Said therapist recommended an AA meeting to a different client that night. Said friend wanted support and so I offered to go with her. At that meeting I was introduced to the idea of Higher Powers in the 12 step program and what that meant to the people there. Still could just be explained as lucky. But more things happened. My therapist went on vacation and I had sessions with a therapist who was experienced in 12 step recovery and higher powers. My discharge date was pushed one day back for insurance reasons. I had one last therapy session with him before I discharged. That morning, a friend drew a card from a deck and was prompted with a question about religion and spirituality. That led me to talk to that therapist about my spirituality and my budding belief that Fate was my Higher Power. That led me to writing this blog post and solidifying the idea. Looking back on it, a series of amazing coincidences happened that led to me having that conversaion with my therapist and writing this blog post. Another god shot, just this time not as dramatic. A series of small pushes that forced me to confront this idea that I've been putting off for years. The thing that prodded at the back of my mind whenever I picked up an oracle card from one of my decks and received a strangely useful or insightful message. The thing that stuck on our tongue whenever we talked about our optimism and our "luck". Were we just lucky? Is there a Higher Power? Something more than just human will? Do things happen for a reason? Is there someone or something that's looking over me? Is there? And most importantly: Do I believe in it? My higher powers</h1> I now believe in two higher powers. The Fates, as I call them, watch over me and subtly make things happen that make my life better. Something is watching over me, and that something wants the best for me. I believe that I am blessed by The Fates, and that I am extraordinarly lucky to have been chosen by them to be their blessed. I believe it to be my job to use the life they have given me to help as many people as possible, through my work as an engineer and researcher, as a writer, as a friend, and as a stranger. The second Higher Power that I believe in is that of human connection. When two people come together and connect, something more than the sum of their efforts is born. Connection births a love and energy and power that is greater than what was put into it. I can't explain it, but when I held my rock at the end of my time at residential, I knew that it was a physical manifestation of my higher power. As was the messages in my phone. As was the art I had collected over the years. Something about human connection, the desire to connect with others, and the desire to help others is magical to me and is greater than what we can comprehend. I haven't fully fleshed out the Human Connection higher power but I hold onto it dearly and I know that it's what The Fates want me to nurture and grow in this world. 'All your thoughts become hostile' - Our experience of OCD 2026-04-16T00:00:00+00:00 A peer at my residential program said: "when you have OCD, all your thoughts become hostile" and that rang so true for me. It made me want to write out my OCD experience and how it affects us to this day. A girl lost in thought</h1> My earliest memories are of being anxious. I remember not being able to sleep at night because I knew if I closed my eyes I would fall asleep and never wake up because I would die of carbon monoxide poisoning. A loose toy in the heating vents would melt and catch fire and fill my room with carbon monoxide and I would die in my sleep I was sure of it. So every night, I would turn the lights on and stare into the heating vent in my room over and over and over and over. Going to bed, feeling anxious, then getting back up to check again. I don't know how I fell asleep, but it was in a state of anxiety I'm sure. Night after night, that was my life. A learned behavior</h1> A friend of mine once said "no outside pants on my bed". That made a lot of sense, sitting in public transit or auditorium chairs or resturant seats was dirty, and pants were dirty once you sat on them. I quickly followed suit, a rule of "no outside pants on my bed". However that wasn't the end of it. I knew that anything that touched anything that was dirty would be dirty too. In the same way, I knew that anything that touched anything that touched anything that was dirty would be dirty too. So soon my couch became contaminated, my chair became contaminated, my entire apartment became contaminated with the evils of the outside world. On bad days, I would have multiple pants around the apartment for sitting on different surfaces in different levels of cleanliness. There were two safe havens, my bed (specifically the pillow area, the foot area was dirty) and the shower (everything was cleaned off in the shower). Soon I realized that this was a problem, but I couldn't stop. I knew that if I didn't keep my bed clean then my pillows would get dirty. If my pillows got dirty my eyes would get infected and I would get pink-eye. I knew that would happen. I knew it. Lost deeper</h1> I don't know when it started, but at some point I was convinced I was a bad person. Perhaps it was when my autism led me to be rejected by my peers. When I began to think that it was my fault that I didn't have any friends at my new school. That it was my fault that I got laughed at by my peers. I thought that I was bad. I knew that I was a bad person. And the only way I knew how to be a better person was to make sure that I didn't do anything wrong ever. The only way to do that was to learn from all my mistakes and never repeat a mistake. So began my time spent lost in thought. Every day, every moment, my mind was stuck in loops. Loops thinking about everything I did wrong. Everything that I had said that could've been misinterpreted. Any looks that I might've missed in the moment. Anything and everything. I would think and think and think. Think through every possible situation that might happen. Think about everything I had said that day. Think about every mistake I had made. Over and over and over. Moral attacks</h1> It's normal to be afraid of being a bad person. To be afraid that you're racist, you're a pedophile, that you're a monster in some way. That's normal. I knew that was normal and I knew that I didn't want to be one of those monsters. So I knew that I had to do everything I could to not become one of those people. I knew. So I obsessed over it, making sure that nothing I did was ever racist, never looked at children for too long. But when I made a mistake, thought of someone of a different race differently, it was over for me. I knew that I had become a racist. My thoughts began to obsess over the idea that I was a racist, that I was going to shout the N-word with a hard R to every black person I ever met. And thinking these thoughts just confirmed my fate. I was a terrible person. I was a racist. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Just in the same way, I knew I wanted to kick dogs because dogs scared me. I knew I was a pedophile because I stared at little boys and girls for a little too long. I knew it. And once I knew it, my thoughts became completely hostile to me. I was a terrible person I was a terrible person and I knew it. I should just die. I should just die. . . . Things get better</h1> Things did eventually get better. I did eventually get to the point where the thoughts became quiet. It was a combination of therapy and medication that worked that got me there. Things got better. I managed to stop the thoughts. Stop doing the compulsions and not panic. Until one day I sat down in my bed without thinking with my outside pants and didn't have a panic attack. Until one day I had a conversation and was able to continue on with my day without having to analyze it. One day, bit by bit, things got better. If you struggle with the same things I did, let me promise you this. Things will get better. I know it. Resources</h1> https://iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/supportgroups/</a> and https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-family-guidelines/</a></li> https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35604044-because-we-are-bad</a></li> https://embrace-autism.com/yale-brown-obsessive-compulsive-scale/</a> My YB-OCS detailed results, straight from my journal around the peak of when I struggled with my OCD</a></li> </ul> </li> </ul> Our experience at Autumn Hills Behavioral Health (Victory Bay Residential) 2026-04-15T00:00:00+00:00 tldr</h1> Autumn Hills (abbreviated as AH from now on) is a very good program and one that I would recommend to anyone needing a residential program Pros Large clean houses</li> Huge staff to client ratio (At least 1:1 at all times, usually more than that)</li> 6 clients per house, almost all private rooms</li> Good programming schedule (see individual group details below)</li> Great therapy groups</li> Good activities: yoga, sound baths, and walks were all very nice. California weather is amazing</li> Overall, you can always find supportive staff, even if you have to look a little bit sometimes to find them</li> They'll fight for our when it comes to insurance and medications</li> A reasonable amount of freedom ("Hey can I grab my phone to take a picture" during programming hours is totally normal and allowed)</li> </ul> Cons Quality of the BHT (Behavioral Health Tech) staff varies wildly, seemingly due to poor hiring filtering. Some were quite unprofessional and unhelpful. Some were extremely kind and supportive. See the BHT section below for more details</li> Schedules were kinda followed, but when it came to individual therapy the schedule was very all over the place</li> Overworked case managers led to case management/social work being pretty delayed, especially when it came to discharge. See the discharge section below</li> </ul> Bottom line</h3> AH provides a space where you can heal. The cons are obvious but can be worked around. The pros are something you can't know until you get here and spend 30 days here, so I'd like to affirm that AH will most likely be a good fit. Obviously I've only been to AH and not any other residential programs but I believe that this is one of the better ones, mostly because I can't see many points that they can improve on The therapy</h1> The two therapists I worked with were both associates (as are most therapists at AH). This means that they aren't fully qualified yet and are working under a supervisor. This did not affect the quality of therapy I received here though, both therapists were excellent and led excellent groups. My individual therapist was excellent and pushed me in ways that I needed and led me to discover things about myself that I only had a vague idea of in the years prior. Groups typically were 1.5hr sessions with the therapist discussing a topic, idea, activity, or skill. Each therapist brought their own set of skills and methods to groups. One therapist brought unstructured processing style groups, another brought semi structured open flowing groups, and another brought highly structured groups with speaking notes. All three were effective in helping us process and heal. The only thing is that their schedules seem to be out of their control, leading them to grab us for individual therapy at awkward times. Bottom line</h3> Therapy was good, great even. Groups were typically effective and I can't understate how useful it is to be in a place where all you're doing is either low-key therapy (reflecting, journalling, writing, talking with peers) or high-key therapy (individual and group therapy). When it's all you're doing, your brain is forced to be locked in that "therapy" mode, and you make exponentially more progress than you would in typical weekly sessions. The other activities</h1> Yoga Well run and useful</li> Made me want to do yoga on my own daily</li> </ul> Fitness Kinda boring, we just went for walks and did some stretches afterwards</li> Not particularly well run and not really "fitness", but hey walks are nice</li> </ul> Sound bath My first sound bath was a magical, spiritual experience</li> Very well run and professional</li> If you haven't had a sound bath before, you just lie there and hear resonant noises from singing bowls</li> Everyone loved the sound baths</li> </ul> Nutrition Usually pretty informative and interesting</li> Gave some useful information that I'll be taking out of here</li> </ul> Bottom line</h3> Good! The BHTs</h1> As I said, the quality of BHT varied wildly from one to another, and this opinion was shared amongst the whole cohort I was with. Some BHTs were extremely kind, helpful, understanding, and professional. Some BHTs were 20 somethings who seemed to be spending more time slacking off than working in any way. Some actively made our healing harder, though not to any significant amount, just I can name a few instances of BHTs actively interrupting groups, not being helpful, putting us in weird positions, or just making our lives harder. Some activities were run by BHTs, and those were almost universally not useful wastes of time. They were almost always unprepared, unprofessional, and unhelpful in processing. They would make us fill out worksheets, do the same gratitude exercises, or more often than not, do nothing at all. Most of the time the BHTs would "supervise" groups by simply sitting there and staring at their phones doing nothing. This must be the easiest job in the world... There were some night staff who consistently would wake up the other clients (I'm a very heavy sleeper) by not following some basic common sense (don't bang on the doors at 3am...). Basic instructions like "turn the lights off in the hallways" and "don't stomp around or bang on our doors while we're trying to get our rest" took multiple days to get through. This was, frankly, not acceptable. Time spent sitting with my peers chatting about our experiences was much more useful than these BHT run "groups" A full review of each BHT that I interacted with can be found here</a> Note: None of the BHTs were able to consistently use the correct pronouns for the client who used neopronouns. Ze was constantly misgendered and it pissed us the hell off. None were explicitly transphobic but none were able to put in the basic effort of using the right goddamn pronouns. Bottom line</h3> Could certainly be improved with more training, more experienced staff, and stricter hiring. BHT groups were almost universally wastes of time. Overall, barely a passing grade. The case management</h1> Case management is a definitive weak point of AH. For a long time there was a single case manager, and they hired a second one around the time that I started. The case managers were overworked, stretched between three houses, and busy managing everyones cases. Case managers are also responsible for running groups for some reason???? The discharge organizer was even more overworked, leading to everyone not knowing where they were going after discharge until unreasonably late. For a friend during my time here, he didn't know until THE DAY BEFORE HE LEFT. Granted this was also due to insurance being cruel and evil, but still that late of a turnaround was unacceptable. Information distribution by the case managers to the rest of the treatment team was consistently inaccurate or absent. I didn't know my exact discharge date and was told different things over and over by different people (thursday or friday? who knows). My friend didn't know his discharge time until the moment they called him out to head out because someone was here to pick him up. Bottom line</h3> Case management can and should be better. The scheduling</h1> The above schedule is mostly accurate, and gives you a general idea of what goes on during a week at AH. The food</h1> Excellent. No notes. Healthy, tasty, varied, and always on time. Other perspectives</h1> Other perspectives by my peers during my 30 day stay at AH. to-be-added Our experience in a mental health residential care facility 2026-04-14T00:00:00+00:00 Summary</h1> Residential care is extremely extremely extremely valuable for those who need it. But who needs it? In my opinion anyone who has been to a psych ward</li> has bipolar, ocd, bpd, or really any diagnosis above generalized depression and anxiety disorder</li> has a history of self harm</li> has a history of suicidal ideation</li> is a queer or trans person who's had persisent depression/anxiety</li> had a traumatic childhood</li> had any violent/sexual trauma</li> has treatment resistant depression (tried years of therapy, tried many medications)</li> needs a safe environment away from home to start healing</li> </ul> What is treatment like?</h2> A good residential provides the following A 30 day program where housing and food are provided and covered by insurance</li> 24/7 support by techs, access to therapists and social workers/case managers most of the day</li> 3-4 hours of group therapy a day</li> 2-3 individual therapy sessions a week</li> Weekly meetings with case management (a social worker)</li> Weekly meetings with a psychiatrist</li> Activities such as journalling, creative expression, exercise, yoga, meditation, sound baths, walks</li> Weekend outings to places like museums, nature, movies, bowling, mini golf</li> </ul> Note: they will likely take your phone and electronics during the day, giving them back later in the evening after program ends An typical schedule for my program was 7am: wake up and breakfast and meds</li> 8am: morning reflections</li> 9am: first group therapy</li> 10:30am: break</li> 11am: journalling/gratitude/outside activity/fitness/yoga/sound bath</li> 12:30pm: lunch</li> 1pm: individual therapy (or other activity)</li> 2pm: second group therapy</li> 3:30pm: break</li> 4pm: afternoon reflections</li> 5pm: dinner</li> 6pm: free time and nighttime meds</li> 10pm: lights out</li> </ul> A summary of my history</h1> I'll keep this brief. I have been depressed on and off for the last 9 years. Anxious my entire life. I struggle with trauma from my upbringing, autism, the fact that growing up queer in our society is inherently traumatic, and all the maladaptive behaviors that I picked up as survival mechanisms during my teenage years and early 20s. I struggle with maladaptive substance use and love fantasies. Over the years I've been suicidal consistently at least once a year. The worst before this year being last year, when I was hospitalized for 10 days. The days before</h1> In the days leading up to my intake to residential, I was deeply depressed and suicidal. I was making plans and writing letters. It was bad. I was miserable and wanted to end my life to relieve myself from the pain that existing brought me. I was on the edge, and was ready to give up. But in the moments before (or maybe after) giving up, my headmates stepped in and saved us, making the phone calls to a place that would be able to take us. We spent that morning at work, sitting with HR and making phone calls. By noon we had a flight booked (this was covered by the residential program). By 6pm Cedar was on a plane across the country. At the airport, my anxious self woke back up and co-fronted with Cedar while waiting for our pickup from the airport. I (Lily) was convinced I had just been part of an elaborate human trafficking scheme and this was the last time anyone was going to ever hear from me. Thankfully that wasn't the case, and about an hour later we were sitting in the front office of the house, filling out forms and signing documents. I was in the house I would be staying at for the next 30 days. Little did I know at the time that my time here would change the course of my life, and represented a pivotal turning point in my mental health journey. The first week</h1> The first few hours after waking up were terrifying. We had no idea what to expect. We didn't have our phone. We didn't know anyone. But Cedar held on strong and quickly got to know our housemates, two very nice people, including one trans enby. Having another queer person in the house made us instantly more comfortable and reassured us that we had made the right choice. Having a headmate front for us, our protector and our caretaker, was extremely helpful in our transition as we were able to function normally and acclimate to our new situation, while not compartmentalizing away our problems. Lily was simply not ready to front yet and Cedar was able to take on the roles he needed to to get Lily to a place where she would be comfortable. It was over a day later until I (Lily) first fronted again, fully exposing our depressed and suicidal self. We were met with immense care and compassion from our peers and the staff, and it was clear that we were in a safe and healing space. It was a scary first week adapting to the change in living situation, the new schedule of continuous therapy and social interaction, and the overwhelming emotions that we were experiencing. But we pushed through, was vulnerable whenever we could, poured our soul out to our therapist and in group, and we eventually made it to the second week. The second week</h1> The second week, we got more new friends and things got worse before things got better. I was in a deep hole and had no will to get up and start dragging myself out. But I was surrounded by support and so I simply cried and cried and cried. I talked openly about how much emotional pain I was in and the anxiety I'd carried my entire life, and how I just wanted to give up. My goal for the second week was to allow myself to have hope. To give myself the opportunity to feel hope, not even to feel hopeful, just the act of allowing myself to feel hopeful. It was hard, but I got there by the end of the second week. Giving myself that small glimmer of hope, lifting myself from rock bottom. This second week was also when we started to dig into therapy with our individual therapist. The therapists at the residential we went to were, frankly, really really fucking good. So we got lucky in the company we went to, the specific house we ended up at, and the specific therapist we were assigned to. During this second week and our 3 sessions that week, we had dug through and found the nuggets of truth that had been holding us back all this time. Decidedly by the end of this second week, we turned a corner and started to truly heal. The third week</h1> The third week was a blur of productive group sessions, new insights, poetry writing, and difficult moments. We learned so much, wrote so much (see Finding the Words), were able to help our peers, and honestly just had a really good time. I love therapy and getting this amount of group and individual therapy was a joy and I got to make so much progress that I couldn't have done anywhere else. We had a family session with my mom, got through difficult situations with staff, learned so much about ourselves, found a new headmate, and were blessed with the opportunity to get to know and heal with a bunch of cool people The fourth week</h1> The fourth week was a bit of a wash, as my therapist was out on vacation and I was planning my discharge. Most of my friends had discharged as well. Things got a bit messy, but we kept our head up and kept writing and kept trying to learn about ourselves whenever we could. By this point we were fully accustomed to the routine that had been established in the weeks prior, so this was by far the easiest week. I didn't even cry!</del> I cried a lot on the last two days. The hardest part of this week (and the residential program in general) is the self-advocacy. A lesson I learned quickly was that you have to stand up for yourself in a place like this. You have to know what you want and push the staff to get you what you need. Remember that your peers and your therapist are (hopefully) in your corner and ready to support you in the difficult moments of self-advocacy Summary (again)</h1> So in summary, a residential is a little bubble. A bubble of healing where you are asked the simple question: Are you willing to put in the work to feel better? Are you willing to work through ~4 hours of therapy a day? Are you willing to be vulnerable? Painfully vulnerable? To your therapist? To your peers? Are you willing to let go of the familiar pain and embrace uncomfortable healing? Are you ready to make changes in your life? Are you willing to accept that things can be better? Are you? I was, and residential turned out to be what I had needed for me to truly turn the corner on my healing process. Lily Appendix: Comparison to a psych ward</h1> Miles different. Drastically different. Could almost not be more different. In a psych ward, or hospitalization in general, their goal is to make sure you don't hurt yourself and hopefully stabilize on your own. Maybe with new meds. But your typical stay in a psych ward is 3-14 days. That's less than the time it takes for most medication to become effective. So what are you really doing in there? You're stuck without your electronics, not able to leave, no privacy at all, and stuck with nothing to do but twiddle your thumbs, play chess, and maybe color if you're lucky. A psych ward is not a place of recovery, it is an emergency place of stabilization. A residential should be where you go next after a psych ward. A residential is a place of recovery and healing, where you're placed in a protective bubble and you get a full time job of fix yourself. Plurality for some others 2026-04-04T00:00:00+00:00 Part 3 in a series about our plurality. Cedar</h1> For me, plurality is about respect. Respect for the other headmates within a system. Respect for the aspects of yourself that you maybe don't have the ability to respect by expressing in your daily life. Respect for yourself as a person by allowing yourself to bloom into the ideal version of yourself Skye</h1> Plurality is nice, it lets me exist and express myself in the ways that I want to. Lily was aware of me before but she only let me out in bits and pieces. Now I get to exist in the way that I want to Rose</h1> Plurality is a relief because it helps Lily explain to herself why I exist alongside Princess Evelyn. Why we can simultaneously exist within a person and both be expressed and unique and ourselves within a single body Princess Evelyn</h1> Plurality is also a relief to me, but its also deeply healthy for us I think. My existence and ability to front allows us to express things that we never would normaly, and that's a healthy form of release Lotus (with Evelyn helping)</h1> I like being, I like hugging sharky. I like that Lily accepting us allows me to do those things Cherry (The Knight, Hollow)</h1> Lily likes that we exist because we help explain our behaviors around our mom. It helps her reason and logic out our reactions to family and that helps her a lot. We'd like to exist more and become more than just that, moving past our roles in childhood and young adulthood into more developed forms that can healthily exist. Lily also chose to not explain us, but we're a subsystem (alongside Evelyn) within Terra. Thyme</h1> I love that we're able to write this. That Lily allows us to express ourselves and exist and be ourselves. It's a nice alternative to the first 26 years of our lives where we were just a weird mishmash that Lily didn't understand, no matter how hard she tried to force things Pieces of a whole We fight, we love Pieces of a whole we strive together to reach an inner peace To be who we want to be </code></pre> Poems from headmates 2026-04-03T00:00:00+00:00 See this post</a> for context. Phoenix flower - Lily</h1> An exhausted soul Her eccentricities flattened A plasticine smile A drink for surivival A bite of desperation The burn in her throat But slowly, with time her expressions return Hopeful, invigorated Wonder and joy A drink for life A bite of soul A deep breath in A deep breath out And she blooms for another now </code></pre> Pressure - Cedar</h1> Steadfast in the storm I bend, but I do not break Heavy is the load upon my back I bend, but I do not break I carry Day after day I bend But Never Break Don't break Don't break Don't break Under the deepest sea Against the stiffest rock Pressed against the edge of a deep dark abyss Don't break Don't break Don't break </code></pre> Desire - Rose</h1> Like a sponge full of water I want to squeeze her Wringing out every last drop Honeyed syrup into my deepest soul Drip, drop Delicious Ravenous Hunger </code></pre> Yearn - Princess Evelyn</h1> I melt into her arms Soft, pliable, clay for her to mold Hers to shatter Hers to rebuild Hers to desire Hers </code></pre> Dance - Skye</h1> Moonlight dances from arm to arm Water splashes around my feet Shoulders spinning Waist twisting Eccentric movements Joyful motion Just moving our body in the ways that feel _right_ Pure love Unadulterated passion What I live for </code></pre> <3 - Lotus and Kat</h1> Under the softest sky Embraced Safe Loved </code></pre> Mom - The Knight</h1> In that moment I become shadows In the darkness I hide Emotions bleeding out An empty husk before her A scared lost child Hurt Frozen in time </code></pre> Mom - Hollow</h1> In that moment I become rage In red I bloom Emotions bleeding out A stone wall before her Her porcupine child Hurt Frozen in time </code></pre> Witness me - Princess Evelyn</h1> Under the mask of anger beyond the visage of a lost shadow hides _me_, the princess a willingness to be hurt a willingness to be vulnerable a willingness to be seen a _desire_ to be seen beyond the anger underneath the fear just a girl in the darkness a princess in the night the dim glow of hope in a sea of trauma I sail, I sail, I sail</code></pre> Plurality for me (Lily) 2026-04-02T00:00:00+00:00 For me, Lily, plurality is the experience of having different personalities, personas, and people within a single mind. For me, plurality forms a frameowrk for self understanding, processing, and expressing the complexities of being a person. For me, plurality is A tool for self understanding</li> A way of existing which feels very freeing</li> A way to lighten the load on yourself. To let others front and take the spotlight</li> Something that you can choose to be</li> Whatever you want it to be</li> Very, very, very weird to experience</li> </ul> For me, plurality is not Prescriptive, a diagnosis, or restrictive in any way</li> Fake, in fact we believe it's one of the most genuine things you can do for yourself</li> </ul> Fronting</h3> "Fronting" is the act of allowing different parts (aka headmates) of yourself to be in control and take the spotlight. This can be A way to express your whole self, "self" being the combination of the headmates within your system</li> A way to explain to yourself why "you" do the things that "you" do. Maybe it wasn't you and it was someone else</li> A way to let go of the rigid boxes that we get put into as people</li> </ul> Plurality, to me, is about radically accepting all parts of yourself. The anger, the trauma, the anxiety, the parts you never show anyone. Letting yourself express your repressed parts, letting you choose who you want to be, that's part of what plurality means to me. Descriptions and expressions of plurality</h3> Inside Out, a simple system with clear roles</li> IFS therapy, parts work, inner child work. Forms of therapy that serve as evidence to me that plurality can help explain and understand our life experiences. This</a> is an interesting book</li> DID, OSDD. Systems that have high amounts of segregation due to trauma, leading to amnesia between headmates</li> </ul> Terra system</h1> Our system is made up of 12 members. These 12 members represent the pieces that made up the whole for the first 26 years of our life, now we consider them to be 12 seperate individuals who have their own hopes and desires. Lily: The presentable self, the host, the mask, and the gatekeeper</li> Cedar: The caretaker, the foundation, the inner strength</li> Hollow: The anger, the trauma, the external strength, the glue</li> Rose: The desire, the love, the interpersonal undercurrent</li> Princess Evelyn: The vulnerability, the openness, the princess</li> Thyme: The artery, the sleep, the rest</li> Skye: The movement, the music, the art</li> Nettle: The criticism, the drive for self-improvement</li> Leaf: The quiet pain, the shutdown, the scapegoat</li> Lotus: The inner child, the comfort, the whimsy of being</li> Kat: The joy, the safety, the peace of being</li> The Knight: The shadow, the trauma, the lost child</li> </ul> Pieces of a whole We fight, we love Pieces of a whole we strive together to reach an inner peace To be who we want to be </code></pre> Wildsea sparknotes: The dice mechanics 2025-07-24T00:00:00+00:00 actions</h2> forged in the dark system</li> </ul> Build your dice pool</li> </ol> Add 1d6 for the edge you want to use</li> add up to 3d6 for relevant languages/skills</li> add up to 2d6 advantage dice</li> </ul> Describe the action </li> Roll and note the highest roll </li> </ol> 6 is a triumph, no drawbacks</li> 4/5 is a conflict, success with a drawback</li> 1/2/3 is a disaster, failure with a complication/drawback</li> Doubles = twist</li> </ul> Twists Everyone except the dice roller suggests an unexpected outcome of the roll</li> should never invalidate or override the roll</li> force a player to accept something about their character that they hadn't planned</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Cutting removing dice results starting from the highest</li> cut reasons because of difficulty (dm will say so)</li> for precision (take 1 cut for precision)</li> for impact (take 1 cut for impact)</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Impact low</li> normal</li> high</li> massive</li> scales based on how impactful the chosen action would be in real life, would it be average (kicking a door), below average (kicking a reinforced door), above average (kicking a rusty door), or super massive (ramming a ship into a door)</li> </ul> edges</h2> how do you attempt to solve the problem?</li> grace, iron, instinct, sharps, teeth, rides, veils</li> adds 1d6 to your dice pool</li> inherently flexible, and should give some inspiration/direction for how you want to approach a problem</li> page 80</li> </ul> skills</h2> areas where you have expertise, giving you a natural advantage</li> brace, break, concoct, cook, delve, flourish, hack, harvest, hunt, outwit, rattle, scavenge, sense, study, sway, tend, vault, wave walk</li> also flexible, but not as much as edges, be creative</li> each skill has a rank from 1-3, are that many d6 to your roll using that skill</li> general recommendations: something to traverse (wave walk, vault, outwit, delve), something to survive/fight (break, hack, Hunt, flourish, brace, vault), something to acquire (hunt, scavenge, harvest), something to uncover (outwit, study, sense)</li> page 82</li> you can always do things without skills, it just means you aren't as good at it</li> </ul> languages</h2> similar to skills, rank 1-3</li> smattering, knowledge, fluency</li> languages are powerful, and grant you cultural knowledge and lore low sour: default language</li> chthonic: ancient human language, gives ancient human lore</li> saprekk: ektus language, gives lore of the ektus and deserts, heat, and sand</li> gaudimm: gau language, gau lore, knowledge of caves and tunnels</li> knock: tzelicrae language, tzelicrae lore, understanding of insects</li> brasstongue: merchant language, grants knowledge of cargo routes and negotiation tactics</li> raka spit: hunter language, lore about beasts and birds</li> lyre-bite: songwriter language, deeper understanding of whispers, pre-v songs</li> old hand: sign language, understanding of relics</li> signalling: flag/flare/signal lamp language of travellers, grants understanding of ships, weather types, and seagoing hazards</li> highvin: scholarly ancient language, pre-v lore</li> </ul> </li> </ul> aspects</h2> traits, gear, and companions</li> traits properties of yourself that make you unique (ie youre really big)</li> </ul> </li> aspects form your hp, when you take damage you mark off on your aspects track mark an appropriate aspect for the kind of damage you take, but this can be flexible/creative</li> </ul> </li> </ul> aspect development/modification usually takes a project and a milestone</li> results in a change in the track for an aspect increase the track at the cost of complications/limitations</li> decrease the track to gain powerful abilities</li> </ul> </li> aspects can also be combined new name, new type, track = sum of the two original tracks, add all additional rules</li> be creative!</li> </ul> </li> </ul> mires</h2> insecurities, phobias, savage tendencies</li> each mire is a two box track</li> mires are marked when you do something fucked up or see something fucked up or something bad happens to you when your character experiences the horrors of the sea or turns to savagery</li> </ul> </li> narrative one marked mire: let hints of the condition bleed into your roleplay, show your difficulty</li> two marked mire: let it be the forefront of your roleplay, show your suffering</li> </ul> </li> mechanical automatically cut equal to the mire's marks whenever you go against it</li> </ul> </li> </ul> drives</h2> motivations, goals, what drives your character to sail</li> whenever you advance your goal, get one of a whisper</li> clear a mark of mire</li> a minor milestone</li> a major milestone</li> </ul> </li> </ul> milestones</h2> rewards for completing narrative goals, things important to your character</li> used for modifying aspects, improving a skill/language, and gaining new aspects</li> </ul> minor once per session after doing something that has a small but lasting effect on your character</li> examples: personal goals, memorable npc encounters, surviving a hard-won fight</li> </ul> major same idea, but should be recorded after a narrative arc that built up to some conclusion</li> examples: solved a mystery, took down a pirate captain, visited the under-eaves</li> </ul> usage take tasks with a narratively appropriate milestone to progress projects minor = fill one box</li> major = fill three boxes</li> </ul> </li> projects 3 track add a box to an aspect</li> develop an aspect (add a rule)</li> gain a new skill rank</li> gain a new language rank</li> </ul> </li> 6 track gain a new aspect</li> combine two aspects</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> resources</h2> can be used/consumed to gain advantage on action rolls if appropriate</li> salvage inorganic material salvaged</li> repair gear, craft new gear, attack</li> </ul> </li> specimens organic bounty of the wildsea</li> heal traits, cook meals, attack</li> </ul> </li> whispers words that have power</li> discover secret information (speaking them under your breath), twist the narrative of the world (by speaking them aloud), force a change in the world (by shouting them)</li> </ul> </li> charts documents, maps, information</li> discover locations, record safe routes</li> </ul> </li> </ul> temporary tracks</h2> project tracks</li> tracks for temporary benefits</li> tracks for temporary injuries</li> </ul> benefits mark a box whenever you use it, once the track is full it's used up</li> </ul> injuries mark boxes with good nights rests, surgical care, and going to a med tent</li> </ul> combat</h2> golden rules no weapons needed, anything is a weapon if you try hard enough</li> no combat skills needed, be creative</li> focus is fluid, but tracked</li> you can do a lot more than just attack while you have focus</li> death is always an opt-in</li> combat doesnt always end in a defeated foe</li> </ul> combat mechanics damage taken and dealt out is represented by marking tracks and aspects a successful hit means dealing one mark of damage</li> </ul> </li> attacks can also have extra effects, like disabling aspects, leaving them vulnerable, etc.</li> 12 different damage types</li> positioning on the battlefield is important for determining cuts/advantage</li> characters always get a chance to react to attacks from enemies</li> </ul> ship</h2> Basics Ratings ship stats</li> roll dice equal to the number of unmarked boxes in the rating</li> </ul> Taking damage takes damage to the rating boxes</li> Could also damage a room/structure of the ship</li> Could also damage cargo</li> </ul> Journey mechanics Stations helm (required)</li> watch (required)</li> engine</li> maps</li> weather watch</li> </ul> Helm three options for journey progress</li> cut a path: decent speed, one box of progress</li> forge ahead: swift progress, two boxes of progress, no chance for the watch to spot anything</li> drop anchor: ship stops and everyone rests, undercrew takes over watch, time to work on projects/repairs</li> </ul> Watch roll a single d6</li> page 73 for the watch roll table results, potentially leading to an encounter</li> making a discovery consume a chart and a whisper to make a discovery</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Engine normal tending to the engine</li> throw extra fuel in to take advantage of the extra speed</li> cover up the engine to take advantage of the extra stealthiness</li> </ul> Cartigraphising creation of charts of where you're travelling through</li> mechanic: a track</li> </ul> Weather watching roll a 1d6 and use the table on page 75</li> </ul> character creation</h1> pick a bloodline, an origin, and a post</li> then follow the quickstart kit for each of the choices to end up with a full character! should have 3 edges, 15 skill ranks, 6 aspects, 6 resources, 3 drives, 3 mires</li> follow the rightmost section on each page + pick two aspects from each of bloodline, origin, and post</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Wildsea sparknotes: The narrative mechanics 2025-07-24T00:00:00+00:00 focus</h2> whoever gets focus in the scene is a more explicit mechanic in wildsea</li> ill keep track of whos got focus and make sure everyone gets their moments</li> kinda works like "turns"</li> </ul> tracks</h2> visual reminders of something that will be happening</li> get marked one by one as the thing gets closer to happening</li> </ul> scenes</h2> exploration think about what the characters can see beyond just eyesight for the ardent</li> think about what you can scavenge</li> resource rolls 6 = solid unmarred example of what youre looking for</li> 4/5 = negative tag</li> 1/2/3 = cant find or ruin it</li> twist = unique or positive tag</li> </ul> </li> locations to look for resources in wrecks and ruins</li> reefs (collections of junk and rusting hulks)</li> spits and settlements</li> corpses and remains</li> the waves themselves</li> </ul> </li> </ul> interaction information or favors typically requires an action roll</li> language skills can stand in for typical skills (at cut/reduced impact)</li> language skills provide cultural information</li> </ul> combat will be explained later montages</h2> for doing a sequence of actions quickly, splitting up the party, everyone getting a moment to do something</li> not exclusively for downtime scenes, though downtime is often in montages</li> </ul> Tasks the unit of measurement for parts of a montage</li> each montage is typically one task per person</li> generally: exploration, acquisition, recovery, creation</li> montage task examples: working on a project, tending to injuries, exploring, making a tool, picking fruit, getting some exercise, reading, stargazing, talking to crew, fixing the ship, cooking, hunting, meditating, theft</li> generally represented by a single roll, same as typical action rolls</li> </ul> Exploration fairly straightforward</li> </ul> Acquisition 6 means you get what you're looking for, 4/5 means it has a negative tag</li> </ul> Recovery 6 means recover two marks</li> 4/5 means recover one mark</li> homebrew: 1/2/3 means you recover zero (book says to take extra damage lmao)</li> </ul> Creation 6 means you get a 2 track temporary aspect</li> 4/5 means a 2 track temporary aspect with a downside</li> 1/2/3 means you get nothing</li> twist = unexpected benefit</li> </ul> Projects long term, tracked, progress made during montage tasks</li> ways to progress</li> simple time</li> making a roll (higher risk higher reward)</li> using resources</li> help from others</li> </ul> journeys</h2> starts with a destination or goal in mind</li> preparations: cargo, passengers, undercrew, a route, information</li> set off with a journey track (one track for progress, possibly others for risk, pathfinding, riot)</li> </ul> Wildsea sparknotes: The world 2025-07-24T00:00:00+00:00 core concepts</h2> treetops are a sea</li> land is scarce and valuable</li> plant growth is rampant</li> open flames are forbidden</li> crezzerin corrupts on contact</li> economy is barter based</li> its a weird weird world arconautics (unknown and uncanny, whispers, spirits)</li> </ul> </li> </ul> important terminology</h2> pre-verdant things from before the wildsea grew</li> prized for benefits they can offer (technology, material, etc.)</li> hard to obtain</li> </ul> </li> ironroot foundation of the wildsea, massive trees, mile high</li> </ul> </li> tallshank taller than the ironroots, spread up above the canopy</li> </ul> </li> spit landmass on the surface of the canopy</li> temporary in nature</li> </ul> </li> island not in danger of being swallowed by the sea</li> tips of mountains, monuments, or other large structures</li> heavily colonized, useful resource</li> </ul> </li> reef collection of junk on top/just below the waves</li> hotspots for salvage and wildlife</li> </ul> </li> rift hole in the sea that leads down to the roots</li> places of study and worship</li> </ul> </li> crezzerin chemical substance concentrated in leaves and tree sap</li> drives the wild growth of the wildsea plants and the rapid evolution of the animals</li> corrupts on contact, minds warp and forms mutate</li> </ul> </li> </ul> sea layers</h3> skies</li> thrash top layers of the ironroots</li> </ul> </li> tangle thicker branches below the thrash, where ships rest their hulls onto</li> </ul> </li> sink darker, more dangerous, deeper parts below the tangle</li> where all the dangerous stuff lives</li> where ships go to die</li> </ul> </li> drown the point of no return</li> branches thin out and light goes dark</li> </ul> </li> darkness-under-eaves the roots of the sea and the bones of the old world</li> the less said about this place, the better</li> </ul> </li> </ul> species</h2> core four species of the new world</h3> Ardent post-verdancy descendants of humans</li> </ul> </li> Ektus tall cactus people</li> </ul> </li> Gau fungal colonies become sentient</li> </ul> </li> Tzelicrae hive mind of thousands of spiders</li> inhabit clothes or armor like hermit crabs</li> </ul> </li> </ul> rising species</h3> Ironbound souls inhabiting iron and steel machines</li> </ul> </li> Ketra also descendants of humans</li> diverged by being trapped underground during the verdancy</li> tentacled bodies and self made skeletons</li> </ul> </li> Mothryn short lived, fragile moth creatures</li> </ul> </li> </ul> wildsailors</h2> set off onto the waves for various reasons to explore, to salvage, to hunt, to trade, to adventure, to escape</li> </ul> </li> equipment sporescarfs barrier against airborne spores</li> </ul> </li> rope and grapple</li> a blade</li> </ul> </li> draws freedom</li> knowledge</li> adventure</li> </ul> </li> drawbacks danger</li> </ul> </li> </ul> travel</h3> charts and maps are highly valued everything is constantly in flux</li> exchanging such information is highly respected</li> </ul> </li> wavewalking is highly dangerous predators, falling, and crezzerin are all risks</li> </ul> </li> </ul> ships</h3> large chainsaw driven steel machines that ride atop the tangle and cut into the thrash</li> </ul> dangers at sea</h3> crezzerin</li> spores some choking, infectious, or hallucinogenic</li> </ul> </li> the current season spring insects, summer storms, rot of autumn</li> winter is universally feared and stops everyone from travelling as the waves become brittle and prone to shattering</li> </ul> </li> flora and fauna insects, beasts, and birds</li> foxes and wolves</li> predatory plants</li> </ul> </li> cults</li> weather and waves</li> mires mental fatigue from being at sea</li> </ul> </li> fire fire spreads almost infinitely on the wildsea since fuel constantly regrows and is literally everywhere</li> extremely dangerous</li> </ul> </li> </ul> civilization</h2> established port towns on solid ground rare, large, full of people</li> </ul> </li> temporary spits on random pieces of ground that rise above the wildsea more common, temporary, cramped</li> </ul> </li> roving fleet colonies, mycosanctums, floating skyports, tallshank branch towns</li> </ul> ports and harbours</h3> markets barter</li> scratch is the term for the lowest form of barter, basically just random junk a handful of scrap for a drink</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> junctions places to sleep</li> </ul> </li> shipyards</li> non-essentials smokehouses since fires are dangerous, smoke-houses are stone buildings</li> </ul> </li> shadow-springs hot springs</li> </ul> </li> cartoika cartographer houses</li> </ul> </li> chop stations meat preparation grill-houses</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> </ul> food, drink, and cooking</h3> moving food is highly lucrative</li> cooking without fire is hard but there are various methods</li> fruits, nuts and berries are the core staples</li> vegetables are rare due to the lack of land to farm</li> meat from animals and insects are fairly common as well</li> fungi and grains for vegetarian protein</li> eggs are common</li> ale, wine, mead are common drinks</li> coffee and tea are possible, though difficult to heat up</li> rare delicacies are things like flame roasted meats, or a glass of pure water</li> </ul> culture</h2> lack of a defined culture across the different spits and ports</li> laws murder and fires are among the highest crimes</li> theft is looked down upon</li> scavenging and salvaging are protected activities</li> but otherwise its purely based on the peoples and their culture different species have wildly different laws and rules</li> </ul> </li> </ul> </li> vices smoking, drinks, mood altering drugs</li> </ul> </li> sports target practice, throwing insect nests, blindfolded sparring, races</li> </ul> </li> music a great spectacle that always collects a crowd</li> a wide variety of different instruments (pg 23)</li> </ul> </li> </ul> technology</h2> modern technology, yet reliant on old world staples like sharp blades and crossbows due to the lack of industry</li> everything is cobbled together out of driftwood and salvaged metal</li> supply chains dont exist</li> no fire, so no internal combustion or steam power or smelting</li> common technologies ship mounted chainsaws</li> chemical engines</li> salvage made clockworks</li> chains, ropes, pulleys</li> bone carved blades</li> crossbows/other string tension weapons</li> chemical propulsion firearms</li> </ul> </li> rare technology engines become much stranger, living hives or acid filled maws</li> hulls become more stable</li> weapons become more dangerous and complex</li> communication moves from firebug signals to short range radios and semaphore towers</li> </ul> </li> engineers are in high demand</li> pre-v technology sometimes emerges out of rootquakes, ripe for the salvage</li> </ul> spirituality</h2> most people are deeply spiritual and believe in the existence of a soul debate on what that actually entails</li> </ul> </li> whispers "words with souls"</li> words that carry power when spoken</li> </ul> </li> religion organized religion is rare</li> small groups isolated to single spits or islands are more common</li> </ul> </li> </ul> arconautics</h2> concentrated weirdness</li> some examples of how to gain power befriending a weird creature to gain its abilities</li> forging an uncanny material into a relic or tool</li> using alchemy to extract and ingest the essence of something strange</li> incorporating parts of the wilds into yourself</li> overcoming a weird injury that should have ended you</li> </ul> </li> must be trained after the potential is had</li> messy, dangerous, painful, unpredictable</li> arconauts are rare, most spits would have never seen one in action non-wildsailors find that there are easier ways to get "power"</li> </ul> </li> this is not magic everything can be explained, even if it's uncanny</li> its an art, a science, an exploration, but not magic</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Day 2: Reading up on unikernels 2025-07-14T00:00:00+00:00 First things first, https://github.com/rctcwyvrn/terrarium</a> is set up, yippee! Secondly, lets do some reading. On the reading list today are The unikernel wikipedia article</h1> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unikernel</a> Mostly some more background on what exactly a unikernel is, and it's benefits and disadvantages Mostly duplicated with notes from... Unikernels: Rise of the Virtual Library Operating System</h1> https://queue.acm.org/detail.cfm?id=2566628</a> A much more in-depth exploration into unikernels. Talks about the wins that a unikernel brings Fast boots</li> Predictable performance (low latency use cases)</li> Small binaries</li> Everything in one language means you don't need to learn both the language and the OS</li> </ul> And the drawbacks Running multiple applications is hard/impossible</li> Device drivers have to be rewritten</li> </ul> Hillarious quote: The fast-moving world of commodity PC hardware meant that, no matter how many graduate students were tasked to write drivers, any research libOS prototype was doomed to become obsolete in a few short years </blockquote> But VMs solve the second problem pretty handily, by providing a stable virtual device that you can write drivers for and never need to worry about! In MirageOS, rather than treating the database, web server, etc. as independent applications that must be connected by configuration files, they are treated as libraries within a single application, allowing the application developer to configure them using either simple library calls for dynamic parameters or metaprogramming tools for static parameters. This has the useful effect of making configuration decisions explicit and programmable in a host language rather than manipulating many ad-hoc text files and thus benefiting from static-analysis tools and the compiler's type checker. The result is a big reduction in the effort needed to configure complex multiservice application VMs. </blockquote> Explains exactly why I find the unikernel concept so facinating Other stuff I skimmed through</h1> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tR46qctHrCY</a> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj6pO8zXGNg</a> https://os.phil-opp.com/</a> looks very interesting https://github.com/StardustOS/stardust-oxide</a> and https://github.com/hermit-os/hermit-rs</a> as other rust unikernels Archive 2025-07-13T00:00:00+00:00 Exploring MirageOS 2025-07-13T00:00:00+00:00 Ongoing blog post for digging into MirageOS Devices</h1> Devices: https://github.com/mirage/mirage/tree/main/lib/devices</a> Functoria</h1> How MirageOS compiles the OCaml: https://github.com/mirage/functoria</a> Phases Configuration is separated into phases: </blockquote> Specialized DSL keys The specialized DSL's keys (along with functoria's keys) are resolved. Compilation and dynlink of the config file. Registering. When the register function is called, the list of jobs is recorded and immediately transformed into a graph. Switching keys and tree evaluation. The switching keys are the keys inside the [If]. Those keys are resolved and the graph is simplified. At this point, the actual modules used are fully known. Note: for the describe command, Only partial evaluation is done, which means decision nodes are resolved only if the value was given on the command line, disregarding default values. Full Key resolution. Once the actual modules are known, we can resolve all the keys and figure out libraries and packages. Dependency handling, configuration and code emission. Phases 1. to 4. are also applied for the clean command. </blockquote> paf</code></h1> https://github.com/dinosaure/paf-le-chien</a> I wonder if I can steal paf</code> as my http layer -> ie if the library can have it's entire backend swapped out for something else... It kinda looks like the answer to that is yes? Paf wants to provide an agnostic implementation of HTTP with the ability to launch a server or a client from an user-defined context: a Mimic.ctx. It does not exist one and unique way to use Paf because the context can be: a MirageOS a simple executable something else like a JavaScript script (with js_of_ocaml) </blockquote> </code></pre> Day 1: Scoping out the project 2025-07-13T00:00:00+00:00 New beginnings are always so exciting! What did I do today? Spend like three hours setting up mastodon and this blog properly Haha Very productive Anyway Terrarium</h1> Terrarium</a> is the working title for the project that I'd like to work on every day for the next year or so The gist is that I'd like to create a Hubris/MirageOS inspired unikernel compiler that can compile OCaml programs into bootable kernels This is extreme hubris What I envision</h1> Here's what I have in mind, using the example of a webserver You write a web server in OCaml</li> </ol> Using a copy of something like https://github.com/anuragsoni/shuttle_http</a> The http library calls into soil</code></li> </ol> soil</code> being the equivalent of core_unix</code> for terrarium, giving an interface for OS functionality Running example: our http library calls Soil.pipe</code> on a Soil.File_descriptor.t</code> soil</code> calls into libraries also written in OCaml which implement the OS</li> </ol> A Soil.File_descriptor.t</code> is just an OCaml datatype and provides functions for storing data to disk soil</code> implements storing data to disk by calling into OCaml driver libraries An OCaml driver library flushes the bytes to disk</li> </ol> I Have No Idea How Drivers Work :smile: But the idea is that it would be an async</code> based interface, meaning it would do async stuff to return a Deferred.t</code> in place of the blocking task of reading/writing bytes from/to disk Why do I think this could work?</h1> From my very naive understanding, OCaml makes for a decent OS runtime It's designed to compile to a single static binary</li> The garbage collector can clean up all the memory if everything is an OCaml object</li> The async</code> runtime can handle threading if the entire program is just one giant async scheduler + async jobs</li> </ul> What do I need?</h1> This is a classic situation of not knowing what I don't know Here is what I do know that I'll need Something to boot</h2> Bootloading is something I'm not at all familiar with, but the plan will be to write this in Rust (ala https://github.com/gamozolabs/chocolate_milk</a>) I expect to steal a lot from that project An OCaml compiler pipeline</h2> I'm not doing OCaml parsing and typechecking (been there, done that, it didn't end well - that's how this project died it's first death) so the plan will be to write a compiler pipeline starting from OCaml Lambda and compiling down to x86 Important reference: https://github.com/stedolan/malfunction</a> This will probably be structured somewhat like the UBC CPSC 411 compiler</a> since that's a compiler I've already implemented once before Another reference I'll be using is Compiling with Continuations (probably) Soil</h2> A library that implements core_unix</code>-like functionality by calling into... Driver libraries</h2> A set of driver libraries that can drive network IO, disk, and displays Steal ideas from</h1> The obvious two Hubris</a></li> </ol> Hubris uses IPC and tasks with one supervisor task to handle running things. I want to have the OCaml async runtime and the OCaml calling convention handle that for me MirageOS</a></li> </ol> MirageOS is honestly probably extremely similar to what I have in mind (possibly identical, I haven't actually dug that deep into it yet). Even if what I'm making is just MirageOS, I want to make it my own Milestones</h1> Bootloader</h2> Something that boots in qemu and writes "hi" to the display</li> </ol> Requirements: A bootloader (in rust and asm)</li> A display driver (in ocaml)</li> </ul> Compiler</h2> A runnable hello world in lambda-lite (a stripped down ocaml-lambda)</li> </ol> Requirements: A compiler from lambda-lite to x86 A runnable ocaml hello world</li> </ol> Requirements: A full fat ocaml-lambda compiler, hooked up to the ocaml frontend, running the ocaml runtime Compiling base</code> and async</code>: A runnable ocaml hello world under an async</code> Command.t</code></li> </ol> First boot test</h2> Something that boots in qemu and writes an ocaml string to the display</li> </ol> Requirements: Taping the ocaml compiler to the bootloader Building libraries</h2> Start writing soil</code> (implementing an interface around the display driver)</li> Write a keyboard driver (in ocaml) and its soil</code> interface</li> Write an echo</code> program which just takes keyboard input and writes it to display</li> </ol> Http server</h2> Write a network driver (in ocaml) and its soil</code> interface</li> Write a http/af backend using soil</code></li> Host a hello world blog post using terrarium</code></li> </ol> Todo tomorrow</h1> Dig into MirageOS</li> Re-listen to the Hubris Oxide & Friends podcast episode</li> Poke around chocolate-milk</code></li> Read https://www.sigarch.org/leave-your-os-at-home-the-rise-of-library-operating-systems/</a> and https://events19.linuxfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Library-OS-is-the-New-Container-Why-is-Library-OS-A-Better-Option-for-Compatibility-and-Sandboxing-Chia-Che-Tsai-UC-Berkeley.pdf</a></li> Poke around https://github.com/gramineproject/gramine</a></li> </ul> Things to think about</h1> Other library operating systems</li> Do I want to write this in rust instead?</li> Do I need to write any compiler components? Can I get around that entirely?</li> </ul> UTCTF Galois. Remember kids, never repeat a nonce! 2020-03-12T00:00:00+00:00 Code can be found here</a> As you probably read in the title, this is a writeup about a crypto challenge involving nonce repeition. Namely an AES-GCM challenge, where we are given an encrypted ciphertext and a encryption/decrpytion oracle, but no tag to go along with our ciphertext. GCM Mode</h2> What is GCM mode? Well as I learned last weekend, GCM (Galois counting mode) mode is a cool little cipher mode that generates 2 things at once using your symmetric cipher A ciphertext</li> A tag which can be used to verify both identity and integrity</li> </ol> The ciphertext is fairly straightforward, it's just the ciphertext that you would get from CTR mode, namely the plaintext XOR the keystream generated by encrypting a counter. The tag is a bit more complex, it's generated using the ciphertext and the encryption key as follows. (I'm going to ignore the auth-data, but it just adds more clutter and not much elses) Consider a ciphertext C 10 bytes long. Calculate the length v = bitlen(last block of C, split into 8 byte blocks), so in our case the last block is 2 bytes so the bitlen is 16</li> Calculate the following polynomial under GF(2^128), the Galois field with 128 elements. I'll explain in a bit more detail what that means later. \[ f(x) = C_1x^3 + C_2x^2 + vx + E_k(nonce)\] Where C_1 and C_2 are the two ciphertext blocks, with C_2 padded to 8 bytes and E_k represents encryption using the cipher and key</li> The tag T is then just f(H), where H is the encryption key and H = E_k(A string of 128 0's)</li> </ol> So how does one evaluate things in GF(2^128)? I have no fucking clue. Just kidding I know a little bit. Galois fields</h2> A Galois field or finite field is just that, a field (a set with addition and multiplication operators) with a finite number of elements. I honestly don't have the math chops to really give a good explanation, but what I do understand is that addition under this field is XOR, which will be important for the attack. Google a 3b1b video or smth. I might update this after I take my algerbra course next year. The attack</h2> So one look at the code and you'll see that the nonce and key are generated at the same time, and never changed. The attack we want to employ is nicknamed The forbidden attack</code>, probably because if you mess up your crypto this badly you deserve to be banished into the shadow realm. Here's the attack in a nutshell. Assume we've sent and collected 8 byte ciphertexts C_a and C_b and their corresponding tags T_a and T_b. Our tags will be generated using \[ f(x) = C_ax^2 + v_ax + E_k(nonce)\] So \[ T_a = f(H) = C_{a}H^2 + v_aH + E_k(nonce)\] Unfortunately, we don't know what H is, but what we can do is search for roots of this polynomial, so lets modify f. Let \[ f'(x) = C_ax^2 + v_ax + E_k(nonce) + T_a\] So now the root of f' will be our encryption key \[ f'(H) = C_aH^2 + v_aH + E_k(nonce) + T_a = T_a + T_a = 0\] Note: Why does T_a + T_a = 0, because (+) in the field is XOR as mentioned earlier The problem is that we don't know all of f', namely we don't know what E_k(nonce) is. If only it was constant and there was some way of elimiating it... Let \[ g'(x) = C_bx^2 + v_bx + E_k(nonce) + T_b\] \[ h(x) = g'(x) + f'(x)\] \[ h(x) = (C_a + C_b)x^2 + v_ax + v_bx + E_k(nonce) + E_k(nonce) + T_a + T_b\] \[ h(x) = (C_a + C_b)x^2 + (v_a + v_b)x + T_a + T_b\] Well that was easy! So the attack is then very straightforward Collect pairs of ciphertexts and their tags encrypted under the same nonce</li> Generate h(x) for each pair and find the root(s)</li> Decide that the root that appeared the most times must be the correct value of H</li> </ol> So now what do we do with the hash_key H? What we would love to do is generate a tag for the flag, but looking at the tag equation \[ T_{flag} = f_{flag}(H) = C_{flag}H^2 + v_{flag}H + E_k(nonce)\] We still don't know the value of the encrypted nonce. Now if only that nonce was constant and there was some way of eliminating it... Let g be the tag function for a known ciphertext/tag pair \[ g(x) + f_{flag}(x) = (C_a + C_{flag})x^2 + (v_a + v_{flag})x\] \[ g(H) + f_{flag}(H) = (C_a + C_{flag})H^2 + (v_a + v_{flag})H\] \[ T_{flag} = (C_a + C_{flag})H^2 + (v_a + v_{flag})H - T_a\] Well that was also easy wasn't it. utflag{6cm_f0rb1dd3n_4774ck_777}</code> Note: I used nonce-disrespect</code>'s recover and forge to actually recover H and generate the tag for the flag. Source</a> Other resources: Paper</a></li> Nonce disrespect presentation</a></li> </ul> BSides Ottawa crypto challenges writeup 2019-12-02T00:00:00+00:00 Code can be found here</a> These were by far the best cryptology challenges I've had the pleasure of doing in a CTF. They were fun, difficult, unique, and very rewarding. In hindsight, there really wasn't any close staring at the code for bugs or googling for similar problems in past CTFs for any of these challenges. Most of them were just good ol' math, and not extremely difficult math either. I'm rambling, but they were really really good challenges, and I had a ton of fun. So much fun that I accidently missed out on some talks I had wanted to attend. But hey I solved all the crypto and our team got 5th so that's something right? Anyway, on with the writeups Squared away</h2> Flag 1 (150 points)</h3> Definitely the easiest crypto challenge of the 4, but still a fairly high point value. The challenge is to decode a ciphertext for the Rabin cryptosystem</a> given a decryption oracle. The catch is that it won't let you submit the encrypted flag itself, but it'll happily decrypt everything else. The attack is then very straightforward, since Rabin is "just RSA with e=2" for the purposes of this challenge, we can apply the same kind of attack we would use for a similar problem in RSA, namely a blinding attack</a>. We can just send the ciphertext C multiplied by 4, which will decrypt to the plaintext (which is the flag) times 2. So just multiply the thing we get back by inverse(2) mod n and we get our flag. flag{mal13ab1litY_sucK5}</code> Flag 2 (200 points)</h3> This one was much tougher to crack since it had a major red herring. The challenge was to factor the modulus and the server ran it's own prime generation algorithm, which made it seem like that was the vulnerability was hiding. But nope, the vulnerability was actually Rabin's inherent weakness to chosen ciphertext attacks. Since I couldn't find any well documented guides on how to pull off this attack, I'll try to explain it in detail. How does Rabin work? Generate two primes p and q that are both 3 mod 4</li> Encrypt using pow(m,2,n)</li> Decrypt using some math magic to generate the 4 valid square roots of m in the modulo integer ring</li> Return the root that resembles the message</li> </ol> The "resembling the message" part is done by adding some redundancy to the message before encrypting Take the message you want to encrypt</li> Append on an copy of the last byte</li> Then encrypt it by doing pow(m,2,n)</li> When decrypting, return the root that has a duplicated last byte (after stripping off the redundancy)</li> </ol> Note: This is not the standard way to do redundancy, you'll see why in a second Why do we need to make sure that we return the correct root? Because if we don't and return all 4 roots, then anyone can factor the modulus. god im too lazy to relearn how to use latex Assume we have our first two roots, x and -x mod n x^2 = S + n*j And we can convince the server to return us the other two roots, h and -h mod n h^2 = S + n*k Then x^2 - h^2 = (j-k)*n (x+h)(x-h) = (j-k)*n And we know that n is the product of exactly 2 primes, so a simple gcd between x+h % n and n gives us one of our primes. So how do we trick the decryption oracle into giving us h? If we give it x^2 mod n where x is properly redundant, then we just get x back. If we give it x^2 mod n where x is not properly redundant, then we get usually get an error message because the server can't find a redundant root. But there's the trick, we only usually get an error message back. We sometimes choose an x that doesn't have the redundancy property, but x^2 mod n happens to have a root that does have the redundancy property, in which case the oracle happily gives us that root (with the redundant byte stripped off). This happens reasonably often because of how weak the redundancy property is, in standard operation the last 64 bits, or 8 bytes get duplicated, instead of just 1 byte. So all we have to do is send random x^2 mod n's until the server responds with a non-error. This means that either: We accidently hit an x that has the redundancy property and we get x back, in which case we just keep going</li> We hit an x^2 mod n that has a root h with the redundancy property, and the server returned us h with the redundant byte stripped off</li> </ol> In the second case all we need to do is to re-add the redundant byte and calculate the gcd to get our factors! Sorry, no flag because I forgot to save it... I figured out the last half of the solution in the last 15 minutes of the CTF. I got my first valid h about 5 before the end and submitted the flag as the organizers made their way to the front to close off the event. Talk about cutting it about as close as physically possible lol. Meme generator (200 points)</h2> Credits for the solve to Xander (I really hope I didn't remember/spell your name wrong...) This one was another one with red herrings. An RSA signing forgery challenge that doesn't involve Bleichenbacher's e=3 attack? Impossible!! So here's the challenge: We can submit left and right text to the meme generator, which gets added to a bash command to generate the meme.</li> This command gets signed and sent to the server</li> The server verifies the signature and runs the command if it is valid</li> The result of the command (which is usually the image bytes) gets base64'd and sent back to the webpage.</li> </ol> The details: e=65537</li> Self implemented PKCS1.5 padding</li> Signature check is done by calculating the signature from the message, and comparing to the one that was given. This cuts out the aforementioned Bleichenbacher attack since the entire signature is checked, and also cuts out any padding oracle attack since the padding validity is never checked on it's own</li> 2048 bit RSA</li> Prime generation from a crypto library</li> </ol> If you've looked at the challenge code yourself, you might be wondering why I bothered listing out all these small details and other attacks when there's obviously something weird in the padding function. def _hash(message): return hashlib.sha256(message).digest()[0:6] </code></pre> The hash is only the first 6 bytes! We can just manipulate the hash of the command with our inputs until we hit a collision between the command's hash and the hash of, lets say, ls | xargs cat</code>. One slight problem, brute forcing 6 bytes is still on the order of 2^48, much too high for pedestrian hardware. So thinking this was a dead end, I moved on to try and find vulnerabilities elsewhere, leading to the list details that I had up there and eventually to me just giving up. However one of my teammates figured out the correct approach, the birthday attack. The birthday attack is just a cryptographic attack using the birthday paradox as it's basis. Google "Birthday paradox" if you don't know what it is, there's hundreds of people who have done a better job explaining it than I could (also I'm lazy). But how do we apply it to colliding hashes? Much like how the chance of finding a birthday pair is surprisingly high given a small n, we can make the probability of a collision between two groups of hashes surprisingly high given a small set of hashes. Here's how: Generate a big list of hashes (ideally 2^24 but we managed with a much smaller list) that you want to find a collision against. In our case we used ls | xargs cat; echo <random ascii letters></code></li> Start generating hashes for values that you can control, in our case this would be hashes that we could get out of valid inputs to the meme generator.</li> Continue until you find a collision between the hashes from 1 and a hash from 2.</li> </ol> But wait, how is that any faster? Think about each hash that you generate in the second step. Each one gets compared against 2^24 hashes, meaning on average you only need to generate 2^24 hashes in the second step to find a collision (2^48 total comparisons). So we expect to only generate 2 * 2^24 hashes, and since creating a hash is a lot more time consuming than just comparing two hashes, our much lower # of hashes makes the collision finding much much faster. So now all that's left is to find collisions for the commands we want to execute and voila! Flag! flag{48_b1ts_sH0u1D_b3_en0ugH_f0R_4ny0n3}</code> Old school (400 points and a prize for first solve)</h2> The one that most people reading this writeup are actually interested in. Some context, this challenge was the only challenge worth this amount, I think the next highest was 300? Even so there weren't very many above or at 200 at all, most challenges were in the 50-150 point range. And to top it off, the first solver would be awarded a mysterious prize, which ended up being a Hak5 WiFi Pineapple nano</a>! Now I'm telling you this because I want to show off how cool I am for being the first solve and being only one of two teams that ended up solving this challenge, but really me winning the prize was me getting lucky. They actually doubled the point value and announced the prize on the morning of the second day, and lucky me decided to work on this challenge for most of the first day and had gotten the flag right after the event had stopped on the first day, so I got to walk in on the second day and collect my 400 points and my prize! The challenge itself was actually pretty clear in terms of what we had break and how. We're given a decryption oracle that runs NDS, New Data Seal. Our job is to decrypt the given ciphertext. Like Squared Away 1 , the oracle does check if we try to submit a block that matches the ciphertext but this time we can't do any blinding tricks. So what is the algorithm we're dealing with here? New Data Seal</a> is a Feistel cipher</a> based symmetric encryption algorithm that was developed at IBM at around the same time as DES</a>. The short Wikipedia article actually gives us only bit of intel that we need to get started, NDS is vulnerable to a type of attack called a slide attack</a> (NDS was actually the cipher that this attack was first demonstrated with!) . Slide attacks???</h3> What is a slide attack</a>? I barely understand it myself since I didn't bother trying to find a textbook with a proper explanation. I can try to explain the high level idea though. Most modern symmetric ciphers (eg AES and DES) are based on rounds of substitutions and permutations</a>. Each "round" of the cipher usually consists of something like Adding the key to the ciphertext (eg using XOR)</li> Substituting</li> Permutating</li> </ol> For example in AES each round a key gets mixed in, some bytes are substituted using an s-box, the "rows" are shifted, and then the "columns" are mixed together. The goal is to mix the key into each round such that it's difficult to figure out where bytes of the plaintext and bytes of the key end up in the final ciphertext. This is made especially difficult when the # of rounds is high, so even if you can figure out some properties after one round, after 16 rounds all traces of them are (hopefully</a>) gone. So what is a slide attack? A slide attack accomplishes the goal of not having to worry about the number of rounds, and instead focus on brute forcing out what happens during one round, or more specifically one key cycle. After like 3 paragraphs, here's the one line answer to what a slide attack is: Let F be one or multiple rounds of a block cipher where after F rounds the key that gets "mixed" in is the same as the one in the first round. For the sake of simplicity (and since NDS has a cycle count of 1 anyway), we're going to assume F represents one round of the 16 round cipher. So we can represent the encryption function E as just F(F(...F(plaintext)...)), as 16 individual rounds. From this representation we see that F(E(ptxt)) is actually equal to E(F(ptxt)). Slide attacks are attacks abusing this property of block ciphers to completely ignore the problem with the number of rounds. Since people at the time believed that more rounds would solve all of their problems (cough cough triple DES), this type of attack was (probably? I have no idea but it seems like it was) very important. The actual attack on NDS</h3> Theory out of the way, what's the attack? NDS is a Feistel cipher as mentioned before, which means in each round you Split the block in half</li> The new left block is the old right block</li> The new right block is = old_left XOR F(old_right, key)</li> </ol> Where F is that round function I mentioned before. What is F in NDS? NDS's round function F: Takes the first bit of each of the bytes in the 8 byte input (NDS has a 16 byte block size, so old_right is 8 bytes)</li> Converts it to a number i \in [0:255] and take the ith byte of the key (NDS has a massive 256 byte key)</li> Uses that byte of the key in some complex permutations and stuff that you don't need to worry about</li> </ol> How do we use the slide attack property to recover the secret key? The idea is that we can guess what a byte of the secret key is, and know if we were right or not by looking at what the decryption returns. Send the server the message M to get E(M)</li> Guess that the secret byte that get's used in the first round is b</li> Calculate F(M) using that b</li> Send F(M) to the server to get E(F(M))</li> Compare E(M) and E(F(M))</li> </ol> We know that if we guessed b correctly, then F will correctly simulate the first round of the cipher, which means F(E(M)) will be E(F(M)). But to calculate F(E(M)) we would need another F function and another key byte guess... BUT we have a Feistel cipher, and we know that only half of the block actually uses the key. This means we can check if F(E(M)) == E(F(M)) while only having to guess one byte of the key at a time! Guess a key byte and use it for calculating F(M)</li> If it was correct then we should see that E(M) is one round behind E(F(M)))</li> In the context of a Feistel cipher, one round behind means that the right block of E(M) is equal to the left block of E(F(M))</li> </ol> So all we need to do is to do that for each guess b until we hit one that has that right block left block match, and then do that for every single one of the 256 key bytes and we have our entire secret key! flag{n3w_d4ta_s3al_is_old_sk00l}</code> Note: We want to control which byte of the key gets used in the first round so we need to choose our message carefully. If we want to get the 14th byte of the key, then we want the first bits of the 8 bytes on the right to be 00001110, so we send a message of <whatever 8 bytes you want> || \x00\x00\x00\x00\x80\x80\x80\x00</code> This guarantees that the first round of NDS will use the 14th key byte, so once we find our slide pair (? not sure if that's a slide pair but w/e) we know that we just found the 14th key byte. Thanks to Julie for finding some random university notes</a> that I was able to slowly figure out the attack from. (ctrl+f "new data seal" to find the section) I just randomly found this presentation</a> that I wish I had found during the CTF, but oh well. Gonna read it later, seems like a much better general explanation of slide attacks. Hopefully it doesn't show that I have no idea what I'm talking about. Anyway that's it. Try the old school if you have time, it's a good exercise I think. (Or do cryptopals</a>!) factorpy, taking a break for now 2019-07-26T00:00:00+00:00 Taking a break</h3> factorpy</a> is in a decent place right now, if I could just get the list of things I want to get done working. But my motivation to work on the project has dropped down to basically nothing so I'm just going to leave it for now, maybe I'll actually finish it in the future. Probably not Turns out my idea isn't new</h3> After working out my initial idea for factorpy I spent a long time looking to see what programming paradigm it fell into, and I ended up deciding that it was just too stupid to have ever been thought of before. But I was wrong, totally wrong. Turns out that factorpy falls into the programming paradigm called dataflow programming</a>. I realized this as I was watching a computerphile bonus video where they ask about favorite programming languages, and one guy said LabView. When he described it I thought, huh that sounds alot like factorpy. Turns it straight up is factorpy. Turns out lots of dataflow programming languages exist. It also turns out that dataflow programming languages have many uses and had lots of research put into it in the 1980's. One big feature is that they easily translate to visual programming, which is good for those who don't know how to code. It is also very useful in certain workflows, such as in machine learning. Turns out that tensorflow</a>, a very popular machine learning package for python, is based on dataflow programming (tensor flow). Who would've thought my dumb idea was actually not that dumb after all. After looking around I didn't find any dataflow programming languages that were nearly as clear and easy to read as factorpy so maybe my language still has a niche to fill. Gives me a bit of motivation to keep working on it. For the time being I'm just gonna work on other stuff (how has no one written an interpreter for Snowflake</a> yet?) and maybe spend some time poking around other dataflow languages and see if they are compiled and if so, how. Cryptopals sets 2,3,4 writeups 2019-07-18T00:00:00+00:00 Set 2</h1> Challenge 9: PKCS#7 padding</h2> Fairly straightforward. Helpful tip: bytes([number]) will make bytes like b'\number' for the padding Challenge 10: CBC mode</h2> AES is how the actual encryption/decrpytion happens ECB is the function from set 1 that takes 16 bytes and a key to encode/decode CBC then extends that to arbitrary length as long as its multiples of 16 bytes long Honestly the hardest part was understanding what the challenge was even asking for Take the file</li> Decode into bytes</li> Split into blocks of size 16</li> Take the first block and decode it with AES with the key</li> XOR that with the IV, append it to the return</li> Repeat except XOR the each decoded block with the previous block, not decoded, also append it to the return</li> </ol> play that funky music Challenge 11: Oracle</h2> This one was fairly straightforward, write the oracle as they describe and use the same ECB detector from earlier challenges Challenge 12: One byte at a time (easy)</h2> This one looks straightforward at first, and it kind of is. Getting the first byte is easy but the harder part is getting your code to automate the process for going through the rest of it General description of my code: Start with sending 15 bytes of A's</li> Get a byte of the secret by sending 15 A's and a guess</li> Send 14 A's</li> Get the next byte of the secret by sending 14 A's + the byte of the secret you got earlier + a guess</li> Repeat until you get a full 16 bytes of the secret</li> Loop back to sending 15 bytes of A's</li> Get the next byte by sending 15 A's + 16 bytes of secret + a guess</li> Remember to compare against the second block now</li> </ol> So by pure luck I managed to get this all packaged nicely into two for loops, good luck! Challenge 13: ECB Cut and paste</h2> The title is a pretty big hint, the idea is that you want to copy over some ciphertext of what you want and paste it in So Make a bogus account that you're going to edit admin into, make sure that the role part is in its own block</li> Make a second account with admin in it's name where the word "admin" is at the beginning of a block</li> Cut the block from the second ciphertext and paste it into the second</li> ???</li> Profit!</li> </ol> Challenge 14: Byte at a time (harder)</h2> I got stuck on this one for awhile because I wasn't sure how difficult the challenge was supposed to be. Is the prefix length random for each time you call the oracle?</li> Are the prefix bytes random for each time you call the oracle?</li> </ol> I wrote my solution assuming no to both of those. The only real change from challenge 12 is that you need to find the prefix length first and change your first block accordingly To find the prefix length just send A's of increasing length, eventually the first block will go from prefix + A's + first byte of secret to prefix + A's And then after that the first block will stay constant, so just look for when the first block starts to be the same as the last and you get your prefix length Ideas for the harder version: If prefix length and value was random each time the problem is that you need a method of determining prefix length given any ciphertext If only the length was random then maybe if you could manage to get the prefix, maybe something like sending 20 A's and always looking at the first block and then just copy pasting that onto future blocks? Challenge 15: Padding verifier+stripper</h2> Easy peasy? Challenge 16: CBC bitflipping</h2> Imagine ciphertext with blocks A,B,C... Remember that CBC decrypts block B by putting it through AES decryption, lets say decrypt(B) = x, and then xors it with the previous ciphertext A So if we have a block of encrypted "A"s in B then we just need to modify the block A so that when it gets xor'd with x it becomes ";admin=true;" x XOR A = "AAAAAAA" </code></pre> We can change reality</del> A to be whatever we want since we have access to the ciphertext, snaps fingers Now A is replaced with A xor ";admin=true;" xor "AAAAAAA" So when CBC decrypts it the first block becomes jarbled, but when it does the second block x xor A xor ";admin=true;" xor "AAAAAAA" = "AAAAAA" xor "AAAAAA xor ";admin=true;" = ";admin=true;" </code></pre> And we're in! Set 3</h1> Challenge 17: Padding oracle attack</h2> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Padding_oracle_attack</a> The idea is that since the server/function you're attacking will tell you if padding is valid, try random things until you end up with a last byte of \0x01, which will return as proper padding Ciphertext blocks = c1 c2 So you can mess with the ciphertext however you want, completely rewrite c1 Let c1 = 15 * "A" + a random int i Now trace the CBC decryption process, c2 -> intermediate 2 using AES Then intermediate 2 xor c1 = plaintext block The idea is that you can now just try random ints i until the plaintext block ends in \0x01, and the oracle will tell you because it'll be the only attempt that results in valid padding So now you know i XOR last byte of the intermediate = \0x01, so last byte of the intermdiate = \0x01 XOR i, and you just stole a byte of unencrypted intermediate To get the plaintext you just xor it with the original ciphertext as part of the normal CBC proccess Much like earlier challenges, this attack is not theoretically difficult but it is very hard to get working correctly in actuality. Some tips: Print statements everywhere</li> Start with just the loop for finding one byte, then make it work for 16 bytes, then make it work for all blocks</li> The very first block of the ciphertext is tricky, you can either mess with the IV or make a reordered ciphertext like I did</li> Like the hint says, the fact that the actual plaintext is padded is actually completely irrelevant. Make sure you understand why this is before moving on, it's an important conceptual link.</li> </ol> Pitfalls: Make sure that you are generating the correct bytes in c1 for the bytes that you already know the intermediate values of</li> Make sure your verify+strip function from set 2 is bugless, it should accept a block that is all padding but reject a block with no padding</li> A general coding tip but you should try to keep your eventual goal in mind as you build up the function</li> You decrypt the bytes in reverse order, so make sure you account for that</li> At the very end remember to XOR the intermediates with the IV + cipher_text</li> </ol> Challenge 18: CTR Mode</h2> The wikipedia article for CTR mode gives a good explanation, and overall CTR mode is very simple, just don't be dumb like me and get your key and block reversed CTR</a> Also remember to use little endian versions of the nonce and counter: Endianness</a> , if you don't know it basically means the bytes are stored in reverse order of what we expect; least significant bytes first. Challenge 19/20: Breaking a constant nonce CTR</h2> I'm not sure what they wanted for challenge 19, I just wrote the code for what I thought they wanted me to do and ended up doing challenge 20... I went straight for the way we broke repeating key XOR in set 1, where you guess all possible bytes it could be and generate a score from the resulting XOR's Also this is the first challenge so far where the first time I ran the code it worked! Congrats to me!!! Challenge 21: Implementing some PRNG</h2> I didn't like this challenge at all to be honest, I understand wanting us to learn how the twister worked but just copying down some psuedocode doesn't really do that. I just traced the algorithm a few times and then copied the code from someone's solutions Challenge 22: Break time seeding PRNG</h2> Fairly straightforward, just try all the seeds near the current time and you'll find one that matches Challenge 23: Untemper and clone MT</h2> This one was not coding difficult, but was a bit mathematically tricky to understand. Looking at the last tempering, y =x xor (x>> 18) we can get the general pattern for how we want to solve these. y gets shifted right by 18, so the largest 18 bits of y must come directly from x, then the smaller bits of y come from x xor x >> 18. We can then recover x one bit at a time because x_n = y_n xor x_(n-18) n=18... And it turns out this approach works for the other type of shift and also the ones with & so yay The cloning part is simple, just make a constructor that takes a MT state array instead of a seed Challenge 24: Write the MT stream cipher and break it</h2> Writing the cipher: straightforward Breaking it: Not obvious but it turns out that 2^16 keys isn't that many keys, and testing them is very quick. So you can literally just test all the keys Very unclimactic.... You can modify the function to look for whatever you want, I made it look for things that looked like english sentences. Set 4</h1> Challenge 25: Break read/write AES CTR</h2> Tldr; don't let people mess with ciphertexts in any way So we can change the plaintext to say whatever we want, so why not make it all 0's? If it's all 0's then the ciphertext will just be the keystream, and with the keystream we can just xor it with the original ciphertext Challenge 26: CTR bitflipping</h2> The function will remove all ;'s and ='s so we need to trick it into encrypting something that has the admin token, which is very simple because CTR just uses XOR let x = admintoken y = AAAAAAAAAA Send the function x XOR y, which will just be random garbled text</li> It'll encrypt it and send back x XOR y XOR stream</li> Take the ciphertext and XOR it with y again to get x XOR stream</li> Send back x XOR stream to the decoder, which will happily decode it back to x</li> Profit!</li> </ol> Challenge 27: Steal the key from IV=Key CBC</h2> Why would anyone do this...but I bet the cryptopals team have seen this enough which is why it's here but still. The instructions actually give a very detailed explanation for the attack, nothing much that I really want to add. Go back to the wikipedia article if you've forgotten exactly how CBC works. Make sure you understand why the attack works instead of just copying the instructions! Challenge 28: Implement a SHA-1 MAC</h2> The implementation I used: link</a> For the fellow crypto noob, MAC stands for Message Authentication Code. The idea is that the hashing function (sha-1) takes the message+key and generates a hash. The important part of this hash is that small modifications to the resulting hash do not correspond in any way to small changes to the plaintext that was sent, so no bitflipping attacks or anything like that. So in an actual setting: Alice and Bob share a key</li> Alice tells Bob she is sending message X</li> Alice sends Bob sha-1(key+x)</li> Bob recieves the hash and compares it with his own sha-1(key+x), and if they match then he authenticates her</li> </ol> I'm guessing the messages x would all be something like "auth=____" with user/admin/whatever and Bob would just try them all until one worked, and then give out the proper authority. So to cheat this we need to be able to send fake hashes without knowing the key, which seems impossible at first beause a small change in input results in a completely different hash output. SHA stands for secure hash algorithm, so it's probably safe right? Challenge 29: Break SHA-1 Keyed MAC</h2> Oh... "Secret prefix SHA-1 MACs are trivially breakable" I sort of fumbled my way though this one, and the instructions are super not helpful Useful information: SHA-1 works kinda like the twister from earlier, it has an internal state which it uses to generate it's result. So if we know the state we can generate more, which is why we need to do the same thing as the fake_twister where we could plug in the entire state array and use that as a clone, except this time we use our clone to generate a longer hash which includes our secret sauce</li> </ol> Here's how SHA works (kinda) Take an input and turn it into bits</li> Append a 1</li> Append 0's until the length is 448</li> The length of the message is converted into 64 bits and added to make a mod 512 == 0 bit message</li> Each 512 bit chunk is then put through the hashing function with an internal state, the state updating for each block</li> At the very end it returns the state variables concatenated together</li> </ol> So since each 512 bit chunk is done seperately, if we can make a sha-1 clone that has the correct state of just finishing the last block of the original message, we can continue on and hash whatever we want So the plan is Get state from hash, which coresponds to hashing key+message+padding</li> Create a fake sha-1 with that state</li> Ask the fake sha-1 to hash a ;admin=true; token</li> The result turns out to be the same as if you asked it to hash key+message+padding+token, which is exactly what we wanted</li> </ol> I was confused for a while about why we needed to go through the hassle of generating the padding, it's so that we can check to make sure that the hash is what we wanted, and for literally no other reason. We can generate the fake key+message+padding+token but if we wanted to make sure its right we need to actually hash key+message+padding+token Challenge 30: Break MD4 Keyed MAC</h2> Almost identical to challenge 29, but the padding for MD4 uses a little endian representation of the msg length, not big endian like SHA-1 Challenge 31: Artificial timing leak HMAC-SHA1</h2> So the main hint for this challenge comes from the aptly named insecure_compare function. How can we exploit the fact that it compares one byte at a time and delays? The idea is that we can just try all the possible first bytes, and for one of them the insecure_compare will find one correct byte and delay once, and for the rest it won't delay at all. The plan: Guess a byte</li> Make known_signature + guess</li> Pad it out to 40 bytes</li> Send it and record the time taken</li> Floor time_taken / delay to get the number of successful compares that insecure_compare did</li> If that's greater than what we already have then add it on to known and loop</li> </ol> This one takes forever to run on the default 50ms delay though, my solution worked until 20ms delays so I would try running that first Challenge 32: Less artificial timing leak</h2> How to make the attack more consistent? Replace step 5 because the delays are too small to really be consistent, instead just make a list of all the times and take whatever guess caused the longest time. Also running each guess 3 times and taking the average probably helps. My solution worked for 5ms delays but not really for anything less. Maybe taking the 10 longest times and running them all 10 times each, then taking the longest time out of that to be the best? factorpy, what is it? 2019-07-18T00:00:00+00:00 What is factorpy?</h2> Factorpy</a> is an interpreted language with a unique syntax and python interoperability. An example of factorpy code: factory factorial(){ let x = in x -> sub1() -> factorial() -> *() x -> *() -> out } </code></pre> Factorpy code defines what goes into a function and where it's output should go. So in this example the programmer wants the input to the factorial() factory to be used twice, once as an input to the sub1() factory, which sends it's output to a new factorial() factory which sends it's output to the multiplication function. This looks (and to be honest is) stupid and complex. Why?</h2> Factorpy was made with 0 goals in mind, but as I wrote it I thought of what it may be used for, and the main one was to help new programmers. Factorpy solves one and only one of the problems some newcomers to coding may have, the control flow. We as programmers intuitively understand that code is run one command at a time, but to a newcomer this may be unintuitive. The solution is to have code run concurrently, much like a real world assembly line. This is all of course an excuse for me to mess around with writing a programming language. I think it's quite cool but I don't want to bother trying to justify it's existence. It's a fun side project and should be treated as such. More esolang than innovative new programming paradigm. Other important details about factorpy</h2> You can import python functions and (in the future) just write straight python to define factories in factorpy files</li> As mentioned earlier, the code runs concurrent by default, ie every function tries to run and will simply wait if there is no input.</li> The current interpreter is a mess and should be used with caution</li> </ol> Who?</h2> Factorpy is a personal project of mine, it's current state is a giant mess of spaghetti python code and terrible hacks. But it kinda works! Note that in the example above there is no base case, that would be because I haven't figured out how to do that just yet. Note #2, the above code does not run on the current compiler, as it does not support recursion yet. A brief introduction to modern cryptography 2019-07-13T00:00:00+00:00 Cryptography has always been about one goal: Making a system for communicating between two parties securely. As the internet has grown and hackers have gotten smarter, the systems to keep secrets have gotten more and more complex to combat them. Here is a basic rundown of the foundational concepts in cryptography in terms of the problem they aim to solve. This outlines (sort of) how cryptography was developed, New technique/idea/system</li> Problems with the new system</li> New techniques/ideas/systems to solve the new problems</li> Repeat</li> </ol> Problem: If someone gets ahold of my message then they can read its contents Solution: Encryption. Encryption is the idea that the message can be "locked" in such a way that anyone who reads it without the key can't determine the original message. There are two ways to do encryption, one that works as you would expect and one that seems to work by mathematical magic. Symmetric key ciphers</h2> The seemingly obvious way first: Symmetric key ciphers. You and your partner have an identical key, you lock the message and send it to them, which they can then unlock. Anyone without the key has no way of opening the message because they don't have the key. Examples of this type of cipher include AES-256 and RC4. But this introduces a new problem: Problem: How do you get you and your partner to have the same key? Solution: Key exchanges. Public key exchange</h2> The core idea of key exchange protocols is that both parties mix together their secret keys with some public value, and exchange the results. Then you mix your secret with what your partner sent you (their secret mixed with some public value) and they do the same, leaving you both with both secrets mixed with the public value. The mathematical trick is that the mixing is irreversible, if someone were to steal the secret mixed with public value, they would be unable to extract the secret out of it. The common metaphor is mixing two colours together, it's very difficult to extract out what the two original colours were without just brute force. Now everything should be fine right? Problem: How do you know that the person you're talking to is your partner? How do you know that the message hasn't been tampered with? If you're having trouble imagining how this could possibly happen, imagine the same public key exchange, but with someone in the middle pretending to be your partner while your real partner is wondering why you haven't sent them anything. You and the middle-man end up establishing a key and then you end up sending messages to them that they can unlock with the key you just established with them. Solution:Remember how I mentioned there were two ways of doing encryption? The solution to this problem is the other form of encryption, public key based encryption. Public key encryption</h2> Instead of explaining the math, here is how it works in practice. Imagine a wizard gave you two magic keys that had a simple property, whatever you locked with one key can only be unlocked by the other key. You could then make duplicates of one of the keys (lets call it the public key) and give it to all of your friends, and keep the other one hidden away (called the private key). If friend A wants to send you a message they can lock it with the public key you gave them. The message is then safe from everyone but you, because only you have the the private key which is required to unlock it. Now to solve the problem of man-in-the-middle attacks on key exchanges you can just slightly modify the procedure. Mix your secret with the public value</li> Lock it with your private key</li> Send it to your partner</li> Your partner can then try to unlock it with the public key you gave them</li> If it unlocks properly then your partner knows the message was from you, because only you have that private key</li> Continue as normal</li> </ol> This procedure is called "signing". The magical keys come from the magical land of mathematics, and range from points on curves to matrices to prime numbers. The most famous of them all is RSA. I am hesitant to even mention RSA because despite its fame and success during it's time, it is now extremely dangerous to actually implement</a>. The one you should use is Elliptical Curve Cryptography. So everything should be fine now right? Problem: This one is kinda complicated. The obvious problem is that most public key encryption is slow. The other problem is that RSA keys are not ephemeral, ie randomly generated. Rather public/private keys are stored for potentially months at a time. This means that if someone steals your private key, they can use it for a long time to lots of bad things. Solution: Use public key encryption to initially get a randomly generated shared secret secured between the parties, and then use MACs to guarentee sender identity and message integrity afterwards. Message authentication codes (MACs)</h2> The goal is to attach something to each message that an attacker cannot replicate, so you know to not accept any messages that does not have the correct tag. The tag needs to do two things, it needs to be unique for each message and contain information that only your partner would know (some predetermined secret). The tag also needs to be made in such a way so that an attacker can't stop a message and pull out the secret from it. Method 1: Use a cipher. The basic idea is that you can just lock the message and send both the message and it's locked version. When your partner receives it they can just unlock and see if it matches the other message. (It's a bit more complicated than that though) Method 2: Use a cryptographic hash function. Hashing functions</h2> Cryptographic hash functions are functions that take any message of any length and convert it to a fixed length, say 16 bytes, of data. They also have the unique property that if the original message is even slightly different, the result will be completely different. This means that the only way to get the original message from the resulting 16 bytes is to test all possible messages until you get one that hashes to the desired result. Now to make a MAC from this you can mix the message with the secret and then hash it. Then when your partner receives it they can mix the message with the secret in the same way and check that the hash is correct. If an attacker wants to change the message or pretend to be you, then they need to have the secret. That should be the basic rundown for the core concepts of cryptography. Here is everything we talked about summed up in the standard way connections are secured over the internet, TLS. A client wants to talk to a server securely The client generates a random number, and the public value mixed with that random number (Diffie-Hellman key exchange)</li> The client encrypts this with the server's public key (So the client knows only the server could decrypt it)</li> The server does the same steps for the key exchange</li> Both parties calculate a shared secret, which was just randomly generated (Ephemeral keys)</li> Both parties then use that key to encrypt everything they send between each other (AES encryption)</li> They also include a MAC that guarentees the message's integrity and the sender's identity (HMAC)</li> </ol> Important thing not mentioned: Certificates and certificate authorities, look them up if you're curious, it's basically a third party that vouches for the server. To look further: Wikipedia</li> Computerphile videos detailing Diffie-hellman key exchanges and man in the middle attacks</li> cryptopals</a> for a whirlwind tour of how to break cryptography. Note: side effects include a sense of dread when realizing most security code is written poorly and even small mistakes lead to broken systems.</li> </ul> How does Hakyll work? 2019-07-11T00:00:00+00:00 How does Hakyll work? A quick rundown from someone completely new to both web design and haskell. After you create and build the project you have the following: site.hs</li> a folder of templates</li> a folder of css</li> a folder of markdown posts</li> </ul> Here's how hakyll generates each page of the website (I think, I'm still figuring it out) The index: Apply the proper templates to make index.html have the list of posts</li> Take that index.html and make it $content$ (lmao I just noticed that it becomes inline LaTeX, $x+y=1$)</li> Take the default.html and replace the instances of $content$ on the template with index.html</li> Export that as index.html</li> </ol> The posts and stuff: Take the post's markdown data</li> Pull out the metadata, called the 'context'</li> Apply whatever templates you want to it, using the metadata if you want</li> </ol> Here's how I made the favorite section on the index: Add a favorite tag to the metadata of the post I want to favorite</li> Make a new template called favorite-list</li> Use the hakyll DSL syntax to make the template do the same thing as post-list but only if the favorite tag is present</li> Add to index.html a partial that uses favorite-list</li> </ol> Using pandocCompilerWith to make stuff like laTeX \[ \ln x = \int_{-\infty}^x \frac 1 y \, dy . \] I followed this: http://travis.athougies.net/posts/2013-08-13-using-math-on-your-hakyll-blog.html</a> The idea is that you just need to set the proper extensions and options for pandoc's writing. Note You need to make sure the math.jax script is https or else github pages (smartly) refuses to load it How to add a block of text to every post of a certain type: Generate the html file for the stuff you want to add, for me this was abit.html, which is an about paragraph</li> Add a tag to the metadata for your post's markdown</li> Edit the post.html template to check for the tag</li> Make the template load that html file as a partial if the tag is present</li> </ol> main :: IO () main = hakyll $ do match "images/*" $ do route idRoute </code></pre> Cryptopals Set 1 writeup 2019-07-11T00:00:00+00:00 Code can be found here</a> Hi, a simple writeup for the cryptopals set 1 challenges for the crypto noob from a crypto noob. There are plenty of other tutorials, so look for a better one if this one makes no sense This is gonna mostly be a tutorial for how to do this byte stuff in python, which is really unintuitive to me anyway NOTE: Some of the most trouble I had in these challenges was getting the data to the right types, and it involved lots and lots of stackoverflow and following other guides, remember there's no shame in doing that and don't feel bad when you see your 10th TypeError in a row Challenge 1: Convert hex to base64</h2> For this challenge you just need to know how to do this stuff in python, I used the codecs library Decode: Some encoded format like hex or base64 or ascii --> bytearray Encode: bytearray --> Some encoded format like hex or base64 or ascii So following the hint you convert like this: hex -> bytes -> base64 Here's some examples for how it works def hex_to_bytes(hex_in): return codecs.decode(hex_in, 'hex') def base64_to_bytes(hex_in): return codecs.decode(hex_in, 'utf-8') def bytes_to_hex(byte_in): return codecs.encode(byte_in,'hex').decode() </code></pre> Challenge 2: Fixed XOR</h2> For this one you want to use python's ^ operator, which acts on two bytes and returns the logical XOR So the steps are Convert both hex strings to bytes</li> Create a new bytearray for the output</li> Loop on the bytearrays for the two input strings</li> Append the result of ^ to the output</li> Encode the output bytes back to hex (im too lazy to check if i actually have to do this)</li> </ol> Challenge 3 Single-byte XOR cipher</h2> I see why these are in order now... Theoretically it's not hard, the problem for me was getting the stupid python syntax correct... Here's the framework Convert to bytes as usual</li> Loop from 0 to 255 to loop over all the possible single chars</li> Do a single-byte xor on each of those, here's code from the tutorial I found</li> </ol> def single_char_xor(in_raw, char_val): output_bytes = b'' for byte in in_raw: output_bytes+=bytes([byte ^ char_val]) return output_bytes </code></pre> Source: https://laconicwolf.com/2018/05/29/cryptopals-challenge-3-single-byte-xor-cipher-in-python/ For all the other python things, follow along with laconicwolf and google. I'll lay out the rest of the framework, I would recomend just trying it from here and referring back here when you get stuck Calculate a "english_score", using something like this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letter_frequency to determine if something is a phrase or not</li> Create a dictionary of score/bytearray pairs and sort them to find which bytearray has the best score</li> </ol> Since the best score = most like an english phrase, the key that makes the best english phrase is (probably) the best key. So thats it! Challenge 4 Detecting single-byte XOR cipher</h2> It's challenge 3 but literally just more file = open("data.txt")</li> Loop through the file line by line by using python magic, for line in file: detect_single_char_xor(line), where that function is your code from Challenge 3</li> Do the same sorting proccess as challenge 3 to again which determine which bytearray has the best score</li> </ol> Now the party is really going! Aside 1: Converting plaintext strings and chars to bytes</h2> Declare an empty list, I called mine temp</li> Append [ord(char)] for each char in the plaintext to temp</li> my_bytes = bytes(temp)</li> </ol> ord converts a char to it's byte value, so we just make a bytearray of the bytes and we have the string in it's bytes for us to mess around with! Aside 2: Having an empty bytearray to start appending bytes to</h2> Literally just output_bytes = b''</li> </ol> What the hell python, how is this legal. You can redo the code from aside 1 with this new information btw Challenge 5: Repeating-key XOR</h2> Mostly a combination of what we've seen already, I would reccomend making sure you can do this on your own before reading any guides, since it should be mostly copy paste from challenges 3 and 4 Take the key and plaintext</li> Convert the plaintext into bytes</li> Loop over the bytes and append on bytes([ord(key[count]) ^ byte]) where count is incremented and modded over the length of the keystring</li> Return and you're done!</li> </ol> Challenge 6: Break repeating-key XOR</h1> The big bad! Part 1: Hamming distance function List of mistakes I made along the way You want to compare bits, not bytes, so convert the byte (which is really just an int) into a string of bits (Stackoverflow it, no shame in doing so)</li> The bits may not have the same length, so you need to add the distance between their lengths to the dist</li> Make sure you are indexing the string in the right direction</li> Make sure not to index off the end of the bit string</li> </ol> Part 2: Rest of the fucking owl</h2> Honestly I don't know how my code managed to be bug free, but it somehow was... Here's the functions I used: hdist(bytes1,bytes2), hamming distance function</li> take_block(in_bytes, a, b), returns the bytes from a to b</li> blockify(in_bytes, block_size), converts the bytes into a list of block_size sized bytes</li> transpose(blocks), takes the list from blockify and transposes it as detailed in the challenge (step 6)</li> break_repeating_key_xor(enc_bytes, guess_len), the big boi</li> </ol> hdist was explained in part 1 and the other functions are fairly self explanatory except for 5. Here's what break_repeating_key_xor() did: Loop over keysizes from 2 to guess_len</li> Break the entire... As I was writing this I realized that I just rewrote the code for blockify(), basically line for line...</li> (revised) Call blockify to create the list of blocks</li> Use some nice python magic to make a list of all the dists for all the combinations of two blocks</li> Sum it up and normalize it by the length of the list and the key_size</li> Add it into the list of potential key_sizes</li> (out of the key_size loop now) Sort the list</li> Blockify by the optimal key_size</li> Transpose them</li> Call break_single_byte_xor() from challenge 3 to get a single-byte key</li> Put em all together, use chr() to convert them back to ascii and you get your final key!</li> </ol> Key = {Terminator X : Bring the noise} My code is available, but I would really not recommend comparing your answer to them as I am fairly inexperienced in writing good python code, I write just barely good enough python code. There's defintely one or two off by one bugs in my code too. Challenge 7 AES in ECB mode</h2> I'm stupid and didn't read the instructions, do this in code because you'll need it alot later. I used pycrpyto Challenge 8 Detecting AES in ECB mode</h2> The main part of the challenge is figuring out how to actually detect ECB encryption, and the hint isn't super helpful. The idea is that if there is a duplicate 16 byte plaintext in the original message, then it will also be duplicated in the ECB. But why we can assume that there is duplicated plaintext is beyond me... Here's what I followed: https://crypto.stackexchange.com/questions/20941/why-shouldnt-i-use-ecb-encryption and https://obrien.io/writeups/crypto/2018/02/01/cryptopals-set-1-writeup/ to check my answers Anyway you want to do the type wrangling you're probably used to now Open the file</li> lines = f.readlines()</li> for line in lines</li> unhexlify(line.strip()), the strip() is important! Don't be dumb like me and forget it</li> Append those onto a new list enc[]</li> Loop through enc and call is_ecb() on them until it finds something</li> </ol> is_ecb() is easy once you understand how to actually detect ecb Find the # of bytes in in_bytes</li> Find the # of bytes in in_bytes without duplicates</li> If they're the same length then it's not ECB, but if the second is smaller then it's probably ECB encoded</li> </ol> The answer doesn't seem to be something that's "obviously correct" like in the earlier challenges, but I'm reasonable sure my code is correct. And that concludes Set 1! Pretty fun but also defintely frustrating at times when you get nothing but TypeErrors for 20 minutes straight trying to convert the input to what you want. Set 2 coming soon tmtm Google CTF 2019 Crypto challenges writeup 2019-07-05T00:00:00+00:00 Code can be found here</a> Quantum Key Distribution</h2> Two of the three crypto challenges this CTF were kinda different from the standard, they both gave very detailed descriptions of the challenge but used very odd/unknown systems. This challenge basically boiled down to "can you understand quantum cryptography?" So let's get into it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BB84</a> BB84 has the following steps: Alice generates random 512 bit numbers a and b</li> Alice sends the qubits, with the ith qubit being the encoding of the ith bit of a under the basis determined by the ith bit of b</li> Bob recieves said qubits and measures each qubit under a random basis</li> Alice and Bob exchange the list of bases that they used</li> They discard any bits where they used different bases and take the remaining bits as the shared key</li> They can then do some other thing to account for possible mistakes/disruptions but that doesn't apply here</li> </ol> Now lets compare that to the instructions given by the challenge, we see that the steps are kinda out of order. We send Bob (the satellite) the basis and the qubits at the same time and it responds with it's basis and an "announcement". If we computute the shared secret then we see that it's not the same as the announcement but does have the same bit length. Hmmmmm. The page is vague with it's language and it's description of the announcement, using the words "shared secret" and "key" and "encrypted secret" kinda randomly. Let's think about this from a meta perspective then. The qubits and the basis that we send the server are randomly generated, so the shared secret is random, but we know that the challenge is to find a hex key that decrypts the AES-CBC encrypted flag. Also we see that the announcement that we get back is different every time. Hmmmmmmm. So we can guess that the "announcement" we get back is the key we want mixed together with the shared secret. We can generate the shared seceret ourselves since the satellite returns the basis it used, but how did they combine the key with the shared secret? We see that they're the same bit length so why not try XOR? Run it a few times and we see that the result of announcement XOR shared_secret is constant! We have our key! CTF{you_performed_a_quantum_key_exchange_with_a_satellite} Reversing Cellular Automata</h2> The second of the two weird systems. This one is very straightforward though, "just" reverse a step in the cellular automata. Here is the rule in question.</a> It generates the nth bit by looking at the left (n-1), center (n), and right (n+1) bits. And rule 126 was chosen because of how it generates that bit. If LCR are all 0's or all 1's then the nth bit is 0, otherwise it's 1. Naive attempt #1: Well we can just make a list of lists, where the nth entry in the big list is a list of all possible triplets centered at the nth bit, then zip them all together. If the resulting bit is 0 then the possible triplets are 0,0,0 and 1,1,1 etc. Run it and what happens? Python spits out a MemoryError... Let's just do a quick calculation to see how many elements are in that big list 3027636133969523175486328123886577647616 Oh... Naive attempt #2: Ok lets try incorporating the previous bit into the calculation. But then we run into a problem. If the output bit was "1" and the last bit was "0", that leaves us with three possible choices, the triplet could be 010, 001, or 011. We can try to keep track of all of these but we can only start excluding them once we finish a full loop around, and even so we have so many elements in the list that python chugs and itertools can't make the combinations for us. This approach doesn't seem like a good idea, let's try something else. Less naive attempt #3: Let's look at the patterns generated from rule 126 https://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=rule+126+random+initial+conditions Huh, we see lots of upsidedown triangles. If we consider the rule itself it makes sense. Groups of bits tend to "move" towards each other since something like 100 will result in 110 potentially. Also lines of 111111 become 1000001 which then begin to move towards each other, forming the upsidedown triangles we see. So using what we know of the patterns can we look at the pattern from 66de3c1bf87fdfcf and backtrack? Assume that each sequence of 0's was generated by a line ofe 1's and seperated 1's are part of an upsidedown triangle? The answer is no. It doesn't work. The assumptions end up creating a pattern that isn't even a valid previous state. So at this point I had been at it for a few hours so I went for a walk and immediately figured it out. It was so obvious. Finally the successful attempt, attempt #4: Brute force. We can just brute force previous states and keep the ones that step into the obtained step. The key itself is 64 bits long, so brute force on the entire key is impossible. But cellular automata are not hashing functions. Normally a hash function cannot be realistically brute forced because a 1 bit change in the input results in a completely different hash. But with the cellular automata a 1 bit change on one side of the input only affects a small local area, the 3 neighbouring bits that will use it in it's calculation. This means we can split the key into 6 10ish bit long segments with some overlap, apply the automata to all the numbers between 0 and 2^10^-1 and keep track of all the states that match our desired segment, and then merge the patterns together. This takes time 6 * 2^10^ instead of 2^64^! One important part to consider is that when stepping this automata we need to not consider the outermost bits, because we don't want to find solutions where the wrap around neighbours are impactful since the substrings are gonna be concatenated together later. Did that sentence make sense? Probably not. Try it for yourself and you'll see what I mean. So use python's itertools to generate the list of all the combinations of the solutions we found for each segment, merge the segments together, and validate them by checking that the next state for them is 66de3c1bf87fdfcf. Now we have a list of around 10,000 potential keys, which is actually reasonable. I wrote a short bash script and looped through until I found a key that didn't result in a bad decrypt, however the encryption scheme doesn't actually check the integrity of the entire message, it only checks that the padding is ok before deciding that the decrpytion worked, which just made things a bit more complicated, but eventually the script finds the flag! CTF{reversing_cellular_automatas_can_be_done_bit_by_bit} PS: Guessing from the flag I don't think I did this challenge in the intended way, but whatever! Flag is flag! Reality</h2> A more classic kind of CTF crypto problem, just a confusing hint and a port to netcat to. Let's break down the information we have. Connecting to the port gives us: An encrypted flag</li> Three "coefficients" that are pairs of real numbers with 500 decimal places of precision, the first is small and the second is around 10^40^</li> A message: "You need 5 coefficients to decrypt the flag, here's 3"</li> </ol> Huh, weird. Let's look closely at the challenge, the name is "reality" and the description mentions someone called "Shamir". Who is Shamir? This of course refers to Adi Shamir</a> one of the creators of RSA (He's the S in RSA). But we have a bunch of real numbers, while RSA uses exclusively integer rings. Hm, let's keep looking. Googling his name we find something called Shamir's Secret Sharing</a>, which is a secret sharing scheme where everyone is given a coefficient and n-people need to be present to generate the secret. This works by using the fact that you need k points to uniquely define a k-1th order polynomial (if you're not sure why this is true, consider taking k derivatives of a k-1th order polynomial and trying to work backwards using integration), and if you have less than k points you have an infinite number of possible k-1th order polynomials that cross those points. So seems to be the challenge, we have 3 coefficients, now we just need the last two. But how? We have literally an infinite number of possible polynomials that could all be the secret. As usual with these CTF problems one must look and see what is different from the usual, and use that to guide the way. The obvious weird thing is the massive amount of precision with the numbers that we are given and the title "Reality". Hmm, reality, real numbers? Maybe the precision is somehow making the secret sharing system insecure? The system usually works by giving each member a pair of an integer n and the coefficient for x^n^ so the system we have here is definitely different. I didn't have a clue where to go from there, but resident genius Robert Xiao</a> had an idea immediately. Can we make this into a lattice problem? More specifically a closest vector problem where the solution is the desired coefficients? This might work because the massive amount of decimal precision! The problem we're interested for this challenge is called the closest vector problem (CVP). It boils down to this: Given a matrix A and a vector v, what vector x, with the constraint that x is made up of integers, results in the Ax that is closest to v and what is that "closest vector" vector Ax? We want our closest vector problem to solve for the integer coefficients that make up the polynomial. Here's our equations, we know that it's in this form because the challenge said we needed 5 coefficients to decode the flag. \begin{equation} y_1 = c_0 + c_1 x_1 + c_2 x_1^2 + c_3 x_1^3 + c_4 x_1^4 \\ y_2 = c_0 + c_1 x_2 + c_2 x_2^2 + c_3 x_2^3 + c_4 x_2^4 \\ y_3 = c_0 + c_1 x_3 + c_2 x_3^2 + c_3 x_3^3 + c_4 x_3^4 \\ \end{equation} Now into a matrix, \begin{equation} A= \begin{bmatrix} 1 & x_1 & x_1^2 & x_1^3 & x_1^4 \\ 1 & x_2 & x_2^2 & x_2^3 & x_2^4 \\ 1 & x_3 & x_3^2 & x_3^3 & x_3^4 \\ 1 & 0 & 0 & 0 & 0 \\ \end{bmatrix} \end{equation} The goal vector, \begin{equation} v= \begin{bmatrix} y_1 \\ y_2 \\ y_3 \\ c_0 \\ \end{bmatrix} \end{equation} Remember CVP finds integer valued x such that $Ax=v$. So given this we expect that the CVP will find \begin{equation} x= \begin{bmatrix} c_0 \\ c_1 \\ c_2 \\ c_3 \\ c_4 \\ \end{bmatrix} \end{equation} and return us a vector that is close to (and hopefully close enough so that c0 will be valid) \begin{equation} res= \begin{bmatrix} y_1 \\ y_2 \\ y_3 \\ c_0 \\ \end{bmatrix} \end{equation} which we can extract the secret, c0, out from. The problem is that we don't know what c0 is, so we can't give use the goal vector as written. The solution I ended up using was to guess and make it insignificant, ie multiply everything in the matrix and the y's by a large scaling factor so that the algorithm "doesn't care as much" about the difference between our guessed c0 and what we want it to return, the actual c0. Another solution could be to invert the matrix and multiply in the [y1,y2,y3] vector but I only just thought of that. So that's the general idea, I ended up adding a few more rows onto the matrix to get the CVP function from fpyll</a> to work, but eventually I got there. So now we have a massive int, c0. How to decrypt the flag? This was basically just trial and error, I eventually noticed that it was about right to be converted into 16 bytes, which is the key length that is required for the encryption scheme that they used in the earlier challenges (AES-CBC). And it worked! AES-CBC with the key being c0 and IV being just b'\x00's resulted in our flag! CTF{h0w-r3al-is-y0ur-Re4l-4Real}

Failing for the first time

My favorite movies (Favorites: 1)

Spoiler warning</h2> Heavy spoilers, absolutely do not read that section before watching the movie</p> Project Hail Mary</li> </ul> Minor spoilers, mostly of themes and ideas in the movies, fine to read before watching</p>

Tier 2: I love these movies (also unordered)</h1> My next 5 favorites are movies I love love love but not on the same level as the top 5.</p> The top 5 stand head and shoulders above the rest, but that doesn't mean I don't love these movies as well!</p>

Kara no Kyoukai (2007-2013)</h2> Yes, I will combine 7 films into one entry because fuck you that's why.</p> Anyway</p> The animation. Just watch this</p>

The Night Is Short, Walk On Girl (2017)</h2> Let's talk another anime movie, this time by the legendary Yuasa.</p>

Mirrored: A transition timeline (Trans: 5)

Music for headmates: 1

How to do less (someone please tell me)

My thoughts on regrets

Bravery (Project Hail Mary: 2)

Looking for a home, making a home, yearning for a home

Forgiveness

I will be dependent on meds and support for the rest of my life

Medications</h1> I will be taking psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.</em></p>

Death by a thousand cuts: My current experience of OCD

If I die of depression, read this post

Hope and the determination to save yourself (and the world) (Project Hail Mary: 1)

Sayuri: Thoughts on my favorite songs

Her and I</h1> I like to believe that Sayuri and I had the same motivations for making the things that we did.</p>

Mikazuki</a></h1> </iframe> </div> Lyrics and translation</a></em></p> As I am right now, I’m so useless and hopeless...</p> </blockquote> I felt this way for a very long time as well...</p> Nonetheless, I want someone to find me</p> </blockquote>

Repetition legitimizes

On writing and why I write

Fire: Our experience of Bipolar hypomania

An analysis of my past self</h2> Looking back on this now I'm able to see so much that my past self just blew straight past.</p> That my past me just wrote down blindly without thinking.</p> That my past self wouldn't realize until months afterwards.</p> Here are some of those things:</p>

No heroes, no saviors

Misgendering, ignorance, and disrespect (Trans: 4)

Unsafe, perpetually (Trans: 3 | Trauma: 1)

Reasons</h1> Why do I feel like this?</p>

Trauma cuddles (Trans: 2)

I have always been trans (Trans: 1)

girl in red - girls</h3>

Meditation, mindfulness, and the Brain Zoo

Tier 2: I love these movies (also unordered)</h1>
My next 5 favorites are movies I love love love but not on the same level as the top 5.</p>
The top 5 stand head and shoulders above the rest, but that doesn't mean I don't love these movies as well!</p>

Reasons</h1>
Why do I feel like this?</p>